Joke of the day thread
11-10-2010, 05:18 PM
#91
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Pants and Panties
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your smart-*** attitude, you never will.'
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your smart-*** attitude, you never will.'
11-11-2010, 03:14 PM
#92
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This is alarming
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men gradually turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing is considered necessary!!
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men gradually turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing is considered necessary!!
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
11-15-2010, 02:30 PM
#93
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Location: Grimsby, Ontario
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A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.
It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the F@#k do you think?"
It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the F@#k do you think?"
Last edited by Steve Martin; 11-16-2010 at 05:58 PM.
11-16-2010, 10:10 AM
#94
Rennlist Member
Children's Books You'll Never See.
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer - Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"
"How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer - Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"
"How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"You Were an Accident"
11-21-2010, 03:21 PM
#95
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: on the waterfront, Kobe, Japan
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of an older porsche, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his new turbo when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I'm finished, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks like over a million when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while the engine is running.."
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his new turbo when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I'm finished, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks like over a million when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while the engine is running.."
11-23-2010, 11:08 AM
#96
Rennlist Member
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it would be nice to help him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."
11-23-2010, 11:09 AM
#97
Rennlist Member
Taking Flight
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the
privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will
detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap
about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of a long and
expensive trial.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly
thereafter, an announcement: "Attention standby passengers - we now have a
seat available on flight 6709. Shalom!"
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the
privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will
detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap
about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of a long and
expensive trial.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly
thereafter, an announcement: "Attention standby passengers - we now have a
seat available on flight 6709. Shalom!"
11-27-2010, 05:38 PM
#98
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's *** and say, 'How about a *******?' .. and she's always sound asleep."
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's *** and say, 'How about a *******?' .. and she's always sound asleep."
11-28-2010, 01:01 PM
#100
12-01-2010, 05:57 PM
#103
Rennlist Member
Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
12-02-2010, 08:16 AM
#104
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What To Do When It Snows In Newfoundland...
One winter morning a husband and wife in Cornerbrook were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
One winter morning a husband and wife in Cornerbrook were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
12-23-2010, 12:26 PM
#105
Rennlist Member
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out
of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and
'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning."
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out
of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and
'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning."