Joke of the day thread
08-22-2010, 09:00 PM
#1
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Joke of the day thread
I'll start:
Little 5 year old girl spent the day "helping" the construction guys at the next door house. At dinner table the mother asks the girl: "So Honey, are you going back there tomorrow?". The girl replies: "That depends if those a**holes from Home Depot deliver the f$%&ing drywall."
Little 5 year old girl spent the day "helping" the construction guys at the next door house. At dinner table the mother asks the girl: "So Honey, are you going back there tomorrow?". The girl replies: "That depends if those a**holes from Home Depot deliver the f$%&ing drywall."
08-22-2010, 10:36 PM
#2
Rennlist Member
A ventriloquist visits a farm. The farmer asks him:"what's a ventriloquist?". The ventriloquist replies "I make animals talk, for instance, look at this chicken: are you happy to live on the farm?". The chicken replies "yeah, it's alright, if only the farmer could stop stealing my eggs...". The farmer is astonished. Then the ventriloquist points at the cow and asks the cow "are you happy to live on the farm?". The cow replies "yeah it's alright, if only the farmer could stop touching my **** and taking all my milk...". The farmer is even more astonished. Then the ventriloquist points at the goat and asks "Are you happy to live on the farm?", then the farmer cuts in and says "don't believe what she says, she is a lyer..." 
/////
08-23-2010, 01:52 PM
#6
Drifting
A middle age couple from Ontario are on their way down to Miami for a short holiday. Just outside of Daytona the husband, going a little over the speed limit notices in his mirror that there is a State Trooper behind him with his lights on.
Husband: ‘Damn…’
Wife: ‘WHATS THAT DEAR’? (Hard of hearing and shouting)
Husband: DAMN I SAID, I HAVE A COP BEHIND ME WHO WANTS ME TO PULL OVER.”.
Wife: “WHAT”?
Husband: “A COP WANTS ME TO STOP”.
Wife: “OH…”
State Trooper: Goin a little quick there Sir weren’t yeah’?
Wife: “WHAT, WHATS HE SAYING DEAR’?
Husband: “HE SAYS I WAS SPEEDING DEAR”
State Trooper: I clocked you at 70mph Sir.
Wife: “WHAT’? WHATS HE SAYING NOW’??
Husband: ‘HE SAYS I WAS DOING 70 MPH PER HOUR DEAR’.
State Trooper: Noticed your plate. You all from Ontario huh?
Wife: ‘WHAT, WHATS HE SAYING NOW”?
Husband: ‘The OFFICER SAYS HE SEES WE'RE FROM ONTARIO DEAR’.
State Trooper: Been up your way one time.
Wife: “WHAT, WHATS HE SAYING AGAIN’?
Husband: “THE OFFICERS SAYS HE’S BEEN TO ONTARIO.
State Trooper: Met a gal there on vacation, (now whispering) but darn it all, got the worst oral sex I’ve ever had.
Wife: ‘WHAT, WHATS HE SAYING NOW HONEY’?
Husband: “HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU DEAR.”
Husband: ‘Damn…’
Wife: ‘WHATS THAT DEAR’? (Hard of hearing and shouting)
Husband: DAMN I SAID, I HAVE A COP BEHIND ME WHO WANTS ME TO PULL OVER.”.
Wife: “WHAT”?
Husband: “A COP WANTS ME TO STOP”.
Wife: “OH…”
State Trooper: Goin a little quick there Sir weren’t yeah’?
Wife: “WHAT, WHATS HE SAYING DEAR’?
Husband: “HE SAYS I WAS SPEEDING DEAR”
State Trooper: I clocked you at 70mph Sir.
Wife: “WHAT’? WHATS HE SAYING NOW’??
Husband: ‘HE SAYS I WAS DOING 70 MPH PER HOUR DEAR’.
State Trooper: Noticed your plate. You all from Ontario huh?
Wife: ‘WHAT, WHATS HE SAYING NOW”?
Husband: ‘The OFFICER SAYS HE SEES WE'RE FROM ONTARIO DEAR’.
State Trooper: Been up your way one time.
Wife: “WHAT, WHATS HE SAYING AGAIN’?
Husband: “THE OFFICERS SAYS HE’S BEEN TO ONTARIO.
State Trooper: Met a gal there on vacation, (now whispering) but darn it all, got the worst oral sex I’ve ever had.
Wife: ‘WHAT, WHATS HE SAYING NOW HONEY’?
Husband: “HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU DEAR.”
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08-23-2010, 02:47 PM
#8
Burning Brakes
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My neighbors, the two cute, young lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said: "I wanna watch !"
I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Timex! It was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me, when I said: "I wanna watch !"
08-23-2010, 03:11 PM
#9
Race Car
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
08-24-2010, 08:50 AM
#12
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
This thread is a great way to start a morning! Sorry, I don't have a joke to contribute yet...
08-24-2010, 10:30 AM
#13
Race Car
There's a young man at the seminary studying to become a priest. He's in the confessional with one of the older priests one day, just listening in to see how it's done.
A man enters the other side of the confessional booth and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I committed theft". The priest says "say 10 hail mary's and pray every day and your sins will be forgiven, my son". The man leaves, satisfied.
A few minutes later a woman comes in and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery". The priest says "say 30 hail marys and pray every day and your sins will be forgiven." The woman leaves, praying silently.
Suddenly, the priest looks at the student and says "I really have to go to the bathroom. Can you please take the next person who comes in?" The student says "but father, I have no idea what to say to these people!" The priest hands him a sheet of paper and says "here's a list of all the common sins. Just find the sin and read them the appropriate punishment, and they'll be happy". The student is nervous, but agrees to try.
Soon a man comes in and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed fellatio". The student scans the list for fellatio, but can't find it. He's getting very nervous as he scans the list a second and third time, still unable to find it. He asks the man to sit tight and dashes out of the confessional. He grabs the first person he sees, a young alter boy, and shakes him by the shoulders, saying "hey kid! Hey kid! What does the priest give you for fellatio?"
The young boy looks up at the student and in a slow, quiet voice says "chocolate bar".
A man enters the other side of the confessional booth and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I committed theft". The priest says "say 10 hail mary's and pray every day and your sins will be forgiven, my son". The man leaves, satisfied.
A few minutes later a woman comes in and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery". The priest says "say 30 hail marys and pray every day and your sins will be forgiven." The woman leaves, praying silently.
Suddenly, the priest looks at the student and says "I really have to go to the bathroom. Can you please take the next person who comes in?" The student says "but father, I have no idea what to say to these people!" The priest hands him a sheet of paper and says "here's a list of all the common sins. Just find the sin and read them the appropriate punishment, and they'll be happy". The student is nervous, but agrees to try.
Soon a man comes in and says "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed fellatio". The student scans the list for fellatio, but can't find it. He's getting very nervous as he scans the list a second and third time, still unable to find it. He asks the man to sit tight and dashes out of the confessional. He grabs the first person he sees, a young alter boy, and shakes him by the shoulders, saying "hey kid! Hey kid! What does the priest give you for fellatio?"
The young boy looks up at the student and in a slow, quiet voice says "chocolate bar".
08-24-2010, 04:25 PM
#14
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A gas station owner in ARKANSAS was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up..'
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Bubba replied, 'No it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.
So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up..'
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Bubba replied, 'No it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.
08-24-2010, 04:26 PM
#15
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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
rubbing his ********* -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why
do you love doing that?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
rubbing his ********* -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why
do you love doing that?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."