Joke of the day thread
03-22-2011, 05:43 PM
#151
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Toronto, Canada
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03-23-2011, 12:15 PM
#153
Rennlist Member
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
"But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
"Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
"But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
"Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
03-27-2011, 02:29 PM
#155
Home Depot has a new colour paint called "Maple Leaf Blue".
You look at it, look at your house, look back at it, look back at your house, and say to yourself, "maybe next year"
You look at it, look at your house, look back at it, look back at your house, and say to yourself, "maybe next year"
03-28-2011, 02:47 PM
#156
Rennlist Member
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
03-30-2011, 10:52 AM
#157
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Ottawa. Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold-up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Michael Ignatieff, Dalton McGuinty, Jack Layton, Gilles Duceppe, and Prime Minister Harper. They are asking for a ten million dollar ransom....otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a litre!"
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold-up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Michael Ignatieff, Dalton McGuinty, Jack Layton, Gilles Duceppe, and Prime Minister Harper. They are asking for a ten million dollar ransom....otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a litre!"
07-11-2011, 11:35 AM
#158
Rennlist Member
I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head.
Life was tough in the Gateau
---------------------------------------------
"I was in the park the other day watching an old man feeding the birds...
and after a while I thought to myself 'I wonder how long he's been dead?'"
----------------------------------------------
Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to
show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close
to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the
police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a
chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically:
'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long
it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head
in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he
says. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you don't
notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was
torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Banker looks down in horror.
'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
Life was tough in the Gateau
---------------------------------------------
"I was in the park the other day watching an old man feeding the birds...
and after a while I thought to myself 'I wonder how long he's been dead?'"
----------------------------------------------
Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to
show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close
to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the
police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a
chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically:
'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long
it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'
After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head
in disgust.
'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he
says. 'You're so focused on your possessions that you don't
notice anything else in your life.'
'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.
The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was
torn off when the truck hit you.'
The Banker looks down in horror.
'F***ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...
07-11-2011, 09:51 PM
#159
Rennlist Member
scam targeting older men
SCAM TARGETING OLDER MEN...........
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look.) When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th & 17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look.) When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Aug. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Sept. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th & 17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
07-20-2011, 12:54 PM
#160
Nordschleife Master
Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: Just to let you know, things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back please.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: Just to let you know, things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back please.
07-22-2011, 04:13 PM
#161
Nordschleife Master
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with.'
an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with.'
09-12-2011, 01:08 PM
#162
Rennlist Member
I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "Oh yes you do ."
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "Oh yes you do ."
09-12-2011, 01:09 PM
#163
Rennlist Member
At the traffic warden's funeral the coffin was being lowered into the grave when a voice was heard from inside the coffin. "I'm not dead, I'm not dead". To which the vicar replied "sorry the paperworks already been done, you @%!!*
09-30-2011, 12:21 PM
#165
Rennlist Member
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"