Joke of the day thread
02-23-2011, 09:30 AM
#137
Rennlist Member
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years ago.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow
of the oppressive Taliban regime the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom
that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman said, "Land Mines."
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow
of the oppressive Taliban regime the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom
that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman said, "Land Mines."
02-24-2011, 07:53 AM
#138
Rennlist Member
Apple have today announced the development of a microchip that will be fitted into a womans breast and be able to play music.
The I-Tit will retail at $399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always complaining that men just stare at their ***** and never listen to them.
The I-Tit will retail at $399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always complaining that men just stare at their ***** and never listen to them.
02-24-2011, 09:05 AM
#139
Pocket Sand
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"I was glancing thru the couse selection book at university and saw Women's Studies but not men's studies. I paused breifly to reflect upon how sexist that was, then realized that we do have Men's studies...it's called History."
02-28-2011, 03:52 PM
#140
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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
03-08-2011, 10:17 AM
#142
Rennlist Member
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way
up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear
end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken
glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he
didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing,
he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to
bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you
go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way
up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear
end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken
glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he
didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing,
he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to
bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you
go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
03-09-2011, 12:02 PM
#144
Rennlist Member
People keep telling me "You can take a horse to water but you can't make a horse drink."
You should have seen the smug grin on my face when I found a big enough blender.
You should have seen the smug grin on my face when I found a big enough blender.
03-12-2011, 09:17 PM
#146
Race Director
St Patrick's Funny
An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church ..
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. ‘Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but calmly replied, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..
An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church ..
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. ‘Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but calmly replied, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..
03-18-2011, 04:27 PM
#148
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A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse"
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse"
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
03-22-2011, 12:37 PM
#149
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A Ukrainian walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Kiev on business for two weeks
and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor at the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the
loan; so the Ukrainian handed over the keys to a Carrera GT. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Ukrainian produced the title for the car, and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized
for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Ukrainian for using a $450,000 Porsche as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Porsche into the bank's underground
garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Ukrainian returned and repaid the $5,000 and interest
of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Ukrainian replied, "Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks
for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
He told the loan officer that he was going to Kiev on business for two weeks
and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor at the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the
loan; so the Ukrainian handed over the keys to a Carrera GT. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Ukrainian produced the title for the car, and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized
for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Ukrainian for using a $450,000 Porsche as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Porsche into the bank's underground
garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Ukrainian returned and repaid the $5,000 and interest
of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Ukrainian replied, "Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks
for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
03-22-2011, 02:36 PM
#150
A Ukrainian walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Kiev on business for two weeks
and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor at the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the
loan; so the Ukrainian handed over the keys to a Carrera GT. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Ukrainian produced the title for the car, and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized
for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Ukrainian for using a $450,000 Porsche as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Porsche into the bank's underground
garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Ukrainian returned and repaid the $5,000 and interest
of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Ukrainian replied, "Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks
for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
He told the loan officer that he was going to Kiev on business for two weeks
and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor at the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the
loan; so the Ukrainian handed over the keys to a Carrera GT. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Ukrainian produced the title for the car, and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized
for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Ukrainian for using a $450,000 Porsche as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then drove the Porsche into the bank's underground
garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Ukrainian returned and repaid the $5,000 and interest
of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Ukrainian replied, "Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks
for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Let me guess... you tried this didn't you?!