Joke of the day thread
12-01-2011, 04:55 PM
#167
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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
To escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job,
The assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
Mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and
Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
To escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job,
The assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
Mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
12-02-2011, 09:11 AM
#169
What yer call a guy with a 1967 c2 on his head..........Jack !
What yer call a guy with a seagull on his head.............Cliff
What yer call a guy with a rabbit up his bum..............Warren
What yer call a guy floatin way out to sea...........Bob
What yer call a guy who's been dug up after 27yrs.......Pete
What yer call a gal with a shingle on her head.......Ruth
What yer call a gal with one leg shorter that the other......Ilean
What yer call a gal between tow paines of glass "Pati" O Door
What yer call a guy with a seagull on his head.............Cliff
What yer call a guy with a rabbit up his bum..............Warren
What yer call a guy floatin way out to sea...........Bob
What yer call a guy who's been dug up after 27yrs.......Pete
What yer call a gal with a shingle on her head.......Ruth
What yer call a gal with one leg shorter that the other......Ilean
What yer call a gal between tow paines of glass "Pati" O Door
12-02-2011, 09:39 AM
#170
What's the difference between **** sex and a refrigerator?
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The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!
Bammmmm!
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The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!
Bammmmm!
12-02-2011, 05:25 PM
#172
12-03-2011, 10:03 PM
#174
Rennlist Member
A man walking down the street sees an odd funeral procession. A large hearse followed by another large hearse followed by a man walking a dog followed by 200 men walking in single file.
The man approaches the man walking the dog and says he is very curious about the procession and asks what happened.
The man with the dog says that the first hearse contains the remains of his poor dead wife. He says that she got real mad at him one night after a night of serious drinking on his part and tried to slap him. The man,s dog, seeing this, attacked and killed his wife.
What about the 2nd hearse the man asks. Well, my mother in law saw what happened and attacked me. The dog killed her too.
The man says that's absolutely terrible.
After a moment's thought, the man says " would you mind if I borrowed the dog?"
the man with the dog looks at him andc says " Get in line"
The man approaches the man walking the dog and says he is very curious about the procession and asks what happened.
The man with the dog says that the first hearse contains the remains of his poor dead wife. He says that she got real mad at him one night after a night of serious drinking on his part and tried to slap him. The man,s dog, seeing this, attacked and killed his wife.
What about the 2nd hearse the man asks. Well, my mother in law saw what happened and attacked me. The dog killed her too.
The man says that's absolutely terrible.
After a moment's thought, the man says " would you mind if I borrowed the dog?"
the man with the dog looks at him andc says " Get in line"
01-19-2012, 07:54 PM
#175
Team Owner
A guys who's wife has been missing for a week hears a knock at the door..its the police ..
after coming in they say " sir .. with your wife being gone for a week now, we think its time you should prepare for the worst ..
The man responds ..
" I guess this means i have to go to Goodwill and buy all her clothes back !
after coming in they say " sir .. with your wife being gone for a week now, we think its time you should prepare for the worst ..
The man responds ..
" I guess this means i have to go to Goodwill and buy all her clothes back !
01-20-2012, 01:41 PM
#176
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01-20-2012, 06:25 PM
#177
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Kingston Ontario Canada
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old ****
A 95 yr old man and a 93 yr old lady want to get a divorce.
They`re Lawyer ask`s why ? You have been together for so long, why now ?
We were waiting for the kid`s to die.
After reviewing the X- Rays the Doctor comes in to tell his patient that he needs an expensive hip replacement.
Sir, I have looked at your X-Rays and it`s not good.We need to go in.
How much for the procedure Doc ?
Ah, around 20 K.
Geez, I don`t have the money to pay for that.
How much to touch up the X-Ray ?
A horse walks into a bar and the Bartender ask`s " Hey Buddy, why the long face ? "
They`re Lawyer ask`s why ? You have been together for so long, why now ?
We were waiting for the kid`s to die.
After reviewing the X- Rays the Doctor comes in to tell his patient that he needs an expensive hip replacement.
Sir, I have looked at your X-Rays and it`s not good.We need to go in.
How much for the procedure Doc ?
Ah, around 20 K.
Geez, I don`t have the money to pay for that.
How much to touch up the X-Ray ?
A horse walks into a bar and the Bartender ask`s " Hey Buddy, why the long face ? "
Last edited by Xpit77; 01-20-2012 at 06:56 PM. Reason: ooops
01-20-2012, 07:39 PM
#178
Three Wheelin'
OH NO!!!
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in!!!
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in!!!
01-20-2012, 07:44 PM
#179
Three Wheelin'
That was good!
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with.'
an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with.'
