Joke of the day thread
02-01-2011, 08:03 AM
#121
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I went out with some friends last night and really tied one on.
I got really plastered.
So in respect of our drink driving laws, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus and arrived home safe and warm...which is surprising because I had never driven one before.
I got really plastered.
So in respect of our drink driving laws, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus and arrived home safe and warm...which is surprising because I had never driven one before.
02-01-2011, 10:54 AM
#123
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Now thats funny. So, hypotheticaly speaking, if Toyota, Honda, Subaru are "Rice Burners", Ferrari, Alfa, Maserati are "Pasta Makers", then what do you call Renault, Volvo, Hyunday, Land Rover, Vauxhall, VW, Chevy and most interestingly - Lada? Actually never mind. This post can start a WWIII.
P.S. I am not racist, I hate everybody equally. (meant as a joke)
P.S. I am not racist, I hate everybody equally. (meant as a joke)
02-01-2011, 01:32 PM
#125
The Old Sailor & the Working Girl
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?’ he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?’ he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.
02-02-2011, 10:32 PM
#126
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I went out with some friends last night and really tied one on.
I got really plastered.
So in respect of our drink driving laws, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus and arrived home safe and warm...which is surprising because I had never driven one before.
I got really plastered.
So in respect of our drink driving laws, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus and arrived home safe and warm...which is surprising because I had never driven one before.
this was funny,
BTW, anyone got pics of Ronan driving a bus?
02-06-2011, 01:18 PM
#127
Rennlist Member
Yesterday I was at my local pet store buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 20 lbs before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 20 lbs before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit me.
02-08-2011, 03:57 PM
#128
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Man of the house
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The ****in' funeral director would be my first guess."
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The ****in' funeral director would be my first guess."
02-10-2011, 12:59 AM
#131
Drifting
Little *****
At the bar, Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily. “What’s up Dave”, asked the bartender.
“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”
“It’s my four year old son,” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? My lad’s just the same – forget about it, it
happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.
“I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard
has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.
“It’s not,” said the man. "The little ***** stuck a pin in all my condoms.”
“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”
“It’s my four year old son,” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? My lad’s just the same – forget about it, it
happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.
“I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard
has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.
“It’s not,” said the man. "The little ***** stuck a pin in all my condoms.”
Last edited by Mark Lue; 02-10-2011 at 01:01 AM. Reason: typo
02-10-2011, 04:44 PM
#132
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I have kleptomania.
When it gets bad,
I take something for it.
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
Dyslexics have more nuf.
Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his bus.
When it gets bad,
I take something for it.
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
Dyslexics have more nuf.
Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his bus.
02-13-2011, 11:27 PM
#134
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For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.. His father
said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000
and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The
next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Johnny told
him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you
were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming
too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000
mortgage and no F.....G* bike!*
said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000
and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The
next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Johnny told
him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you
were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming
too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000
mortgage and no F.....G* bike!*
02-14-2011, 10:47 PM
#135
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Her diary; his diary
HER DIARY
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do..
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
P-car wouldn't start; can't figure it out. At least I got laid.
HER DIARY
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do..
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
P-car wouldn't start; can't figure it out. At least I got laid.