An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..
On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

 

this is the best

 

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.

 

Ahahaha awesome (above)... but you forgot the part where the government takes half of the $100, and then takes 13% of the remaining $50 when it gets spent, making the $100 essentially worth $43.50.

 

seen that before .. the look she gives him before he enters the doghouse is classic

 

Read above: $100 BILL! As in CASH.

 

So what your are saying is that everybody goes to jail for income tax evasion except the prostitute?? So, basically in the end, everybody gets f****ed...

 

^ something like that

 

I took the shell off my pet snail to make him go faster, but if anything he's more sluggish.

 

Joke off day goes to the UCR guys posting on here...

 

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky ***** and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

"Hello."
"Mrs Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs Sanders, this is Saint Agnes Laboratory. Your husband's biopsy results got acidently mixed up with a biopsy from another Mr Sanders. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not good."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"I recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't f@(k him.

 

I didn't realise my girlfriend could do such a brilliant Darth Vader impression.

Although, I don't recall Darth Vader ever saying "Please... give me back... my inhaler.""

 

Love is like a good card game,
All you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
After awhile your wishing for a club and a spade.

 

Too good to not pass around again....



Garfield on the oil crisis

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in Canada .

Well, there's a very simple answer,
Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for this is purely geographical.

Our Oil is located in:

ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND

Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA

Any Questions ???
NO ?... Didn't think so.