993Maineiac

Seems real to me-where's the joke?

pmgoodwin

LIFE LESSON
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in -law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car!!

Bull

TR6

An oldy but goody....

DreamCarrera

A clueless blonde driving her new Porsche 911 Cabriolet cuts off an insane man behind the wheel of a jacked-up old pickup truck. Incensed the man forces the blond to pull over and forces her out of the car.

He draws a circle in the dirt and tells her to stand within that circle and under no circumstances to leave the circle. The lunatic then gets a hammer from his truck and proceeds to bang on the cars lovely bodywork with the hammer. When he turns around he finds the blond laughing hysterically. This only serves to enrage the man even further. He then takes out his pocketknife and slashes the cars leather seats.

To his surprise, when he turns around he finds the blond laughing even harder. Now in a complete rage, the man asks the woman “Why are you laughing?”

The blond responds in her usual air-headed voice “I’m laughing because every time you turn around I step out of the circle”.

993Maineiac

Ray & Bubba (Texas mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches, 'and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

TR6

^^^ Must be aggies....

993Maineiac

Without a doubt-Hook Em

Veloce Raptor

Sensitivity Test:

1. In the company of females, intercourse should
be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first
time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual
relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen
floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out
about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you
have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five
pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying at the end of a relationship?:
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the
beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you
**********:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can
cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first
place.

Evaluating Results:

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man? Get some of Jim Hake's "Man Pills"

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA' MAN!

993Maineiac

^^^^Awesome-could not stop laughing

993Maineiac

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Mike in Chi

(Psst... Maineiac, see the joke posted yesterday that starts the Holiday Joke thread)

RDL

A Mexican, an Arab, and VR are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice. The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either. VR, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

Veloce Raptor

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^

RDL

Glad you liked it. I wasn't sure if the 45 would be your weapon of choice.