Let's start 2008 with a REALLY crappy joke
01-09-2008, 10:32 PM
#46
OK..my five year old told me this joke. The ONLY place I can repeat it...is in this thread. It made him laugh so hard, I thought he was going to fall down.
Ready?
5 year old - Daddy, what is one plus one?
Daddy - ???? ahh, two.
5 year old - No......eleven
followed by uncontrolled laughter.
go figure?
But if it makes you laugh...it must be funny?
(Does anyone get it....other than my 5 year old?????)
Ready?
5 year old - Daddy, what is one plus one?
Daddy - ???? ahh, two.
5 year old - No......eleven
followed by uncontrolled laughter.
go figure?
But if it makes you laugh...it must be funny?
(Does anyone get it....other than my 5 year old?????)
ROFLMMFAO!!!!!!!!
01-09-2008, 10:47 PM
#48
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Thread Starter
that's gold, Jerry....GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111
01-11-2008, 09:48 PM
#51
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked 'What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked 'What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."
01-11-2008, 10:15 PM
#52
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Thread Starter
^^^^ ROTFLMAO ^^^^
01-12-2008, 02:18 AM
#53
Formula One Spin Doctor
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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets," and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Fick , that's worse than yuh driving
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked 'What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked 'What's the matter old
man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."
LMAO, give the man da trophy
01-12-2008, 11:41 AM
#54
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Did anybody see that thing on the news last night about that 13-year old kid from Chicago who downed the whole bottle of his uncle's Viagra stash?
He's still in the hospital....
...with second degree burns on both palms.
He's still in the hospital....
...with second degree burns on both palms.
01-12-2008, 04:02 PM
#56
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01-12-2008, 04:10 PM
#57
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Wait . . . I changed my mind . . . I like Rick's joke better now. You still get the silver medal, Dave. 
01-12-2008, 04:16 PM
#58
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This was told to me by a sweet little old lady at church back in 1988:
Husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, something's wrong with the car -- it won't start. Can you fix it?"
The husband looks at his wife and says, "Who do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?"
So the wife just shrugs it off and goes about here business. The next day when the husband comes home, the wife says to him, "Honey, the washing machine is broken. Can you take a look at it?"
To which the husband replies, "Who do I look like, Mr. Maytag?" So again the wife shrugs it off and goes about her chores. The next day the husband comes home and sees that the car has been moved, so he knows it has been repaired. He also sees that the clothes are on the line, so figures the washer has been fixed. He asks his wife in astonishment, "Honey? Did you fix the car and washer all by yourself?"
To which the wife answered, "Well, you know that nice young bachelor who just moved in next door? He said that he'd fix both the washer and the car for either sex or cookies."
The husband angrily replied, "Well, what did you tell him?!?"
The wife answered, "Well I looked him dead square in the eyes and told him, 'Who do I look like? Betty Crocker?!?'"
Husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, something's wrong with the car -- it won't start. Can you fix it?"
The husband looks at his wife and says, "Who do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?"
So the wife just shrugs it off and goes about here business. The next day when the husband comes home, the wife says to him, "Honey, the washing machine is broken. Can you take a look at it?"
To which the husband replies, "Who do I look like, Mr. Maytag?" So again the wife shrugs it off and goes about her chores. The next day the husband comes home and sees that the car has been moved, so he knows it has been repaired. He also sees that the clothes are on the line, so figures the washer has been fixed. He asks his wife in astonishment, "Honey? Did you fix the car and washer all by yourself?"
To which the wife answered, "Well, you know that nice young bachelor who just moved in next door? He said that he'd fix both the washer and the car for either sex or cookies."
The husband angrily replied, "Well, what did you tell him?!?"
The wife answered, "Well I looked him dead square in the eyes and told him, 'Who do I look like? Betty Crocker?!?'"
01-12-2008, 04:19 PM
#59
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A male friend of mine just sent this one to me . . .
It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
