deep_uv

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

mglobe

A rabbi and a priest are on a long plane ride together. They get to talking, & the priest asks the rabbi: "Rabbi, I know you have strict dietary laws, but I was wondering, have you ever had a moment of weakness and tried pork?" The Rabbi says, "Why yes one time I did, and I have to say it was pretty good."

The Rabbi turns to the priest and asks "Father, I know you've taken a vow of celibacy, but have you ever given in to the pleasures of the flesh?" The priest pauses, and says "Well I'm afraid there was that one time with my secretary years ago."

The Rabbi looks at the priest, and says: "It's a lot better than pork, isn't it?"

deep_uv

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."

paradisenb

1975 vs 2005


1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair


1975: KEG
2005: EKG


1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux


1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm


1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage


1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM


1975: Going to a new, hip joint
2005: Receiving a new hip joint


1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney Stones


1975: Being called into the principal's office
2005: Calling the principal's office


1975: Screw the system
2005: Upgrade the system


1975: Disco
2005: Costco


1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1975: Passing the drivers' test
2005: Passing the vision test


1975: Whatever
2005: Depends


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering machine.


They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...

Rick

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old Bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raise his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

FotoVeloce

I best Christopher Walken voice:


"What is brown and sticky?"








A stick.



Happy New Year!

Veloce Raptor

LOLOLOL! That is awesome!!!!!

kurt M

What’s the difference between a group of clever, crafty Pigmies and a bunch of hookers when the cops show up at the corner? Can’t say about the hookers but the Pigmies are some cunning runts.

Larry Herman

Here Kurt, I have another one that you can psuedo copy...

What's the difference between a proud Rooster and a corrupt Lawyer?
.
.
.
The Rooster clucks defiance!

Veloce Raptor

At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of
Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled
a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete
head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson. Peter Long, Johnson's
Brands Marketing Manager said, "We have studied the market and determined
that Harley, while highly successful, has
narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers." Long
added, "We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target dead
center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no
other motorcycle has been able to accomplish."

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson
Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only
promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley
buyers are really after."

At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners
agree. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big
Johnson," said one Harley owner. "But I see now that riding a Harley is no
replacement for having a Big Johnson."

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of
Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle
related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big
Johnson," said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't
have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having
one."

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley
owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a
Harley if you have a Big Johnson," he said. "And I can't imagine someone
who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I
think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big
Johnson, but you are not likely to have both."

"Given the choice," said Long, "I think most guys will opt for the Big
Johnson."

Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey
of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential
motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their
partner spending $20,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they
would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a
Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent.

One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying,
"There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 20 grand on another one of those
Harleys, but 20 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that's something we
could both enjoy, and it's something he really needs."

Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being
established, said her motto is simple. "I service what we sell."

Big Johnson Motorcycles will be traded on the New York stock exchange
under the abbreviation PNSNV.

TR6

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. So she demands "Well, what do have to say for yourself?!?"

Finally, she hears Bill's voice whisper "Who is this?''

Larry Herman

Bill's Da Man! He'll hit anything!

Bull

With anything!

kurt M

I had not heard that one yet. OK on that note,. Whats is the difference between a hooker and a rooster? A rooster says "**** a doodle do!" and a hooker says "Any **** will do."

Veloce Raptor

Greg...HAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!