duncan1437

I got a new stick deodorant today.


The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.


I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

Ronan

The pope got shot whilst on his visit to the UK and is rushed to hospital.On the way to the operating theatre he whispers to the nurse
"Am i in heaven"
"No,we're just taking a short cut through the childrens ward" replies the nurse

StanThePorscheFan

Ronan

a few:

I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia on the last question last night.


The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair"?


Apparently, the answer is Fiji.


I went for an audition the other day to play the Invisible Man.

The director told me he couldn't really see me in the role, so I got it.


Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Attention Siamese Triplets! Don't pay for expensive surgery and do the job yourselves. Cut out the middle man!


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke..
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination, I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Ronan

A girl came skipping home from school one day...

"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!

Very good, said her Mother.

Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mummy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!

"Very Good," said her Mother.

Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?

"Yes it's because your blonde!

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24 years old."

StanThePorscheFan

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's *****.

Ronan

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Well officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. "
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don"t be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you"re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you"re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON"T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma"am?"
"Only when he"s been drinking, officer."

porsche0nut

Stan and Ronan just made my morning with the above 2 posts!

Ronan

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

raspberryroadster

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSE8b93agNM

500

It was the last day for a class of young women graduating from a Catholic school staffed entirely by nuns. The mother superior assembled the graduating class into the main hall with their teachers and announced: "We are so delighted to see you finishing your schooling and heading off into the world. We would love to hear what your plans are. Rachel, tell us what you plan."

Rachel replies: "I plan to go to medical school and become a doctor and then go to a poor nation and help sick and injured people who can't afford treatment." The mother superior smiles and says: "Wonderful dear, that is truly work inspired by God. Now Jessica, how about you?"

Jessica says: "I plan to meet an honest, hard-working man, marry him and then raise children in the teachings of Christ." The mother superior beams and says: "No finer mission exists than that! And Samantha, what are your aspirations?"

Samantha states: "I want to be a prostitute!"

With shock and alarm in her voice, the mother superior replies: "Mother of God!! Child, what did you say?!?!?"

Samantha repeats: "I said I want to be a prostitute."

And then the mother superior says, with palapable relief: "Ah, heavens, I thought for a moment that you said you wanted to be a Protestant!"

Ronan

A viking returns from a perilous voyage, and on his return is suprised to see his name has been removed from the town register.

He tells his wife, who frogmarches him down to the town hall to complain to the mayor.

The mayor sees his mistake,looks embarrased, and declares " I'm very sorry, I must have taken Leif off my census ".

raspberryroadster

Why I'm divorced.........

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, She barely said good morning, Let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you, But the kids...They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low And somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, My secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, And by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, When Jane knocked on my door And said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, And it is your Birthday, What do you say we go out to lunch, Just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go Where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro With a private table. We had two martinis each And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom For just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, After a couple of minutes, She came out Carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, My kids, and dozens of my friends And co-workers, All singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Ronan

The Top 50:
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
49. A seal walks into a club...
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
40. 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '
39. 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
37.' I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"'

Tommy Cooper's surreal non-sequiturs still raise a laugh today
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
35. 'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '
31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
29. 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" '
28. 'A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." '
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
25. 'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".'
24. 'A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" '
23. 'A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" '
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
21. 'A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" '
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
19. 'I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".'

18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
17. 'When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. 'There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" '
14. 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '
13. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
11. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '
THE TOP 10
10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"'
4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'
2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a ****zu.'
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...#ixzz130PfdJz2

StanThePorscheFan

http://link.brightcove.com/services/...tid=3130509001