Riiiiiiiiiiight?!?

 

Hi All

So to catch up.

Carrera Mike, welcome to the team. Just be careful not to incur the ire of our Mother Superior. As for your team role, I think you've earned "The Lost Teammate" (Does that sound good to you Joanne?)

Fred If you have Steve's support, you're in. Even if you have set a new low for a bar, I'm sure that's how you got Steve's vote. I've found he's in favor of anything with a bar. Also I'm very impressed that you are regularly the first in a line of 27 porsches, and willing to sacrifice yourself for the citation-free safety of your bretheren.

Colm -- Excellent logic. Did you ever read 'Catch 22'? And don't you have a Cayenne? So Toby will have to come up with another way in, other than the first or token Pepper in HWFMR.

Toby Normally you'd qualify for membership due to the two p-car rule. But I'm worried that one of them is a 930 -- a very fast car. Can you drive that Turbo without extracting anywhere near it's potential? And as John requested, you have to post why you are even slower than he is.

 

Maybe I could get promoted to the "Team Bureaucrat"

 

Why Am I Slower Than John D?
A Research Paper (shameless, gratituitous application for HWFMR)

A wonderful question you ask. Why would I be slower than John D. Why, even with his rotors frozen, he will always be leading me as I have more mass to drag around than that little thing he calls a car. In fact, I'd be going so slow that John would have to PUSH me! (be careful of those bumper heights though...... I would hate to have my exhaust tips damaged) Besides, it's obvious that many of you HWFMR team members have been to the track and perhaps have even attempted to go (sorta) fast. You think anybody will let ME come out and play? NOOOOOOOOO. So, I get relegated to sitting on the sidelines merely wishing I could plow though those orange cones or turn into a corner so hard that I roll over onto some poor unsuspecting corner worker! (at 15 MPH)

Beside all of these challenges, I'm still having trouble figuring out all of the technological geegaws/gadgets on this car. I spend most of my time behind the wheel reading the manual on how to turn on the radio or figure out how to display my gas mileage on the info screen......... of course this is all done while driving down MY HALF of the middle of the road with my right knee. And somebody PLEASE tell me where the damn gear shift is. The woman who sold me this thing (does that count? I bought mine from someone other than a guy!) told me I could shift right off the steering wheel, but every time I press one of those silver button thingies one of two things happens - the radio gets louder or the engine suddenly goes real fast, the car lurches forward real hard and I damn near find myself out on the hood one more time. Is that what a Triptronic is? And what the HELL is this e-Gas thing? Everybody knows that mixin' GAS with electricity causes a "far" (see attached image from the "Texas Dictionary of the English Language - Volume One" for the proper way to pronounce this word)



So, given my overweight steed that needs to be pushed because it's so slow, I hereby petition for an apprentice membership in HWFMR. I would gladly adopt the designation "Token Cayenne Bystander - HWFM Racing". Or, since Colm has already claimed "Ceramic Technologist", could I request "Teflon Technologist - HWFM Racing"?

Anxiously Seeking Membership in Dallas,
Toby

 

Mike, OK, so I have a 930 sitting in the garage. I do live in DALLAS you know! Just because I HAVE the car doesn't mean I can DRIVE it! Sheesh! You guys are pretty demanding.

Besides, the Turbo is my wife's car. The license plate frame on my Cayenne says "My other car is an E320".

NOT

 

Privileged & Confidential: For Addressee Only
Mike
This guy's not just another Texan with a gun. He's got a neat truck with a decent cab and a good heater. With the potential Angolan problem and a Chicago winter, that combination could prove useful for the Big Turtle (i.e., you). I suggest you approve Toby's membership. Besides, I don't want to read any more about his gas problem. It's a bit more personal than we need on a public forum.


Hey you, ... you're not Mike, so why are you reading his mail?

 

I agree with our legal councel. I think Toby can be in charge of the team's towing services with the Cayenne and all, getting the team members out of the kitty litter when we spin and finally hit the apex

 

Woooohoooo!!!!
I promise I'll behave whenever Mother Superior is around

 

Speaking of the Angolan issue, I can relate a few more reasons why I can be a member in questionable standing for the HWFM team.

You may remember a few months ago when Steve (O.F.E.) was looking for a new ride for his bride. I offered to check out a Lexus for him here in Dallas. I did so and hit upon a strange confluence of events that would only finally make sense last night! You'll never believe it, but the guy offering the car Steve was considering was MR. AND MRS. KOMAKI'S SON - EekAMouse. And making it even crazier, I found (what I now know to be) John D.'s billions of millions in the trunk of the car (note to John D. - I still have the address if you're interested).

So........ I found one of Mike in Chi's long lost countrymen, while checking out a car for O.F.E. and in the process found John D.'s billions of millions!! How's that for a HWFMR tri-fecta?

 

Hey Toby, until the Big T approves you, it's best to dial back the creative humor or you might ****** defeat from the jaws of victory. One of the Bylaws is that we must always try to make the BT feel that he's the funniest team member.

 

Mike in Chi....

Every team has a member that is perpetually 'lost' so we should have one too. At Reiser-Callas I had two that were always lost. Never could find them when I needed them. Maybe they just liked being punished
Carrera Mike..... Do you like to be punished??

Since I'm on a roll right now I also think we should let Toby Join the team. We really could use an Official Tow truck and his Cayenne would be perfect. He even has off road experience already. I have a Cayenne too, but I'm way too busy trying to keep this ever growing team in line to be towing too. You know, Toby would be one busy man at the track. With all those fast bad assed 930's breathing down our necks I'm sure there will be a few HWFM teamates needing to be pulled out of the gravel run-offs!

Gotta Run, Robert is mixin' up still another batch of Moonshine. Seems he's upset that I've upstaged him. I want to make sure he doesn't dip into it himself this early in the morning....

JoAnne
'04 Cayenne S

OFFICIAL MOTHER SUPERIOR OF THE 'HWFM' RACE TEAM

 

I have to add a serious note to Toby's application. He's the guy that volunteered to go look at a Lexus that I was interested in. He went out of his way to meet a sleezy doofus, and look over a car that had been in an accident and poorly repaired. He saved me from a really bad deal. If I had any votes (and somehow, that honor has not been bestowed upon me, your MOST SENIOR HWFMRT member!!!), I would cast them all and often for Toby. Plus, he writes some very funny stuff.

To add a sense of closure, I ended up getting my wife a brand new, 2004 Lexus LS, and surprised her with the car, all in an unsuccessful attempt to get laid.

 

Post by Dan: "Hey Toby, until the Big T approves you, it's best to dial back the creative humor or you might ****** defeat from the jaws of victory. One of the Bylaws is that we must always try to make the BT feel that he's the funniest team member."

Toby Given the sincerity of your application, make that applications, and the resounding endorsements of Steve, JoAnne and Dan, you're in. You are our official Team Tow Service. Welcome. (Important BT Directive: If you come across Dan in one of his frequent off-course excursions, leave him stuck in the kitty litter.)

 

Awright! I'm in!!!

My firewall guys kept calling me every hour or so today asking if I had any clue why our proxy servers were hitting this one site so hard. I asked 'em what site were they talking about, and they said "...some renn something or other." I have been giving them the BLANK STARE all day long, while I hit hit the Refresh icon ONE MORE TIME.

MAN! You guys really make folks sweat don't you! I know, I know....... it's hot in Angola so I guess those of us who are silly enough to apply should expect some (pretend) heat from El Heffe.

Got it! And I already have the plastic rope that I can tie off on the Cayenne's bumper (it going to be HELL threading that frayed nylon through the hole I have to drill in the bumper cover) to pull you guys out when you get into trouble.

Man, the wife's gonna wonder what the world happened today!

 

Toby

We're proud to have you.

If you feel you must pull Dan out of the kitty litter, since he is after all a team mate, just loop that plastic rope around his spoiler. I'm sure it is strong enough to take the load.