A Poem:
10-27-2003, 04:12 PM
#16
Thinking outside da' bun...
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Originally posted by Peckster
Well, except for Tifosiman. Not sure what that is.
What do they think of you now?
Well, except for Tifosiman. Not sure what that is.
What do they think of you now?
I wrote things like:
"To the girl sitting two seats to the left of me, Ive got something I'd like to give you."
"Does anyone honestly think we're having fun. Of all the things I could be doing at 855 in the morning, somehow sitting among 28 other sprinkler dorks and learning the past participle on the overhead projector is not at the top of my list."
"It's not cheating if you dont get caught."
"How come you never hear a girl say something like, 'Stacy, Im going to have to excuse myself for a minute, I need to take a gigantic dump in the West unit crappers.' I dont think women ever go #2. Ever. Have you ever seen a woman excuse herself to do so. Yes they go the bathroom, but its to freshen up or 'I hafta pee'. I think Im on to something here. Lets discuss."
"Why is it that we must be indoctrinated with the fallic belief that Robert Frost and Ernest Hemingway were great writers. I write 'It rained' and I get points deducted on a paper but when Hemingway writes it, he's a brilliant savant. In the words of Ernest Hemingway, 'this blows.'"
"When you are going through your purse before class Im counting all your birth control pills and quite frankly, theres a number of you in here having far too much fun to be getting As all the time on mere studying alone. Im just saying."
"I wish I was home-schooled."
"Why is virginity like a balloon? One ***** and they're both gone. Any questions."
Of course, at the end of the year a lot of my stuff was pinpointed to me so I had to own up to it. I used a few pen names like "Roger Kockov" and "The Ghost of Kenny G". It was incredible fun though and if I was a teacher its the first thing Id have in my classroom to spawn creativity. There were some days we were laughing so hard we about peed our pants because people would pin the joke on others yet you never knew who it was writing it.
10-27-2003, 07:09 PM
#18
Drifting
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This is the one I was talking about:
"...So then I said 'And that's what happens then you try to make a pig fly to win a bet.'"
"Now that's what I call ironic."
"Indeed, indeed, I was thinking the same thing at the time."
That first voice up there is me, the second, that would be my good friend Umm...well, come to think of it I can't remember his name, so we'll just call him Bob. See, when Bob and I were having that conversation about..well...I forget what it was about now, but we had noooooo idea what we were in for later that day.
We were walking down the sidewalk in what I like to think is a nice suburb of some town in Iowa, I forget it's name. Bet you didn't think Iowa actually had suburbs and side walks did you? Well, you're right. They don't. But it's nice to think that. We were actually walking on the shoulder of the highway between my house and the enarest gas station, about twenty miles away. Needless to say, we never let gas get below an eighth of a tank...except for that day, which tells any sensible reader the reason for our trek.
We were only about two miles from the end of my drive way, and we had suddenly seemed to run out of things to talk about. Being Iowa, and the middle of Nowhere. YEAH! That's the name of the town! I remember now! Yeah, and in the middle of Nowhere there's not exactly a lot to look at. You have corn...and then you have more corn and that's really about it. So we were walking and not talking and I really couldn't think of much to say. Then we saw it. A big giant caterpillar walking accross the road. It was stepping all over a car that seemed to be abandond, so I kicked it off and picked up the car and put it in my pocket.
"It's about time!" I told Bob.
"What? Are we there yet? I don't see a gas station."
"No, stupid, I found that matchbox car I lost like ten years ago in preschool. How did it get all the way out here I wonder."
"Uhhhh, you never went to preschool."
I cut him a cold glare, and gave him a hard smack on the shoulder.
"You aren't funny, you know!"
"Yes I am."
He laughed and grinned widely at me, practically inviting me to knock out some of those teeth staring me in the face. Good thing I've never RSVP'ed to anything in my life, or Bob might be missing a few amberly golds. We continued walking in relative silence, except for the few birds chirpping. Wait...no...the chirping birds come later, I forgot, we're still in Iowa, there are no birds in Iowa, only corn. We walked along kicking some stones down the road. The hardest part about writing a story, I mean, walking along is trying to figure out what to say. So we said nothing. Three hundred fifty-eight thousand seven hundred seventeen times in a row if I remember correctly. By the time we got to the gas station, we were parched.
"What did you boys do that made you so darn thirsty?" Asked the gas station attendant.
Bob and I both looked at each other, grinned, and said, "Oh, nothin'."
We got a few drinks and snacks, and sat at a table in the station for a while, resting before the trek back, when suddenly a flying saucer landed at the right next to the window of the station. I walked outside to see where it came from and there was apparently a quite vexxed alien shouting what I can only guess were obsenities in a strange language. The man accompanying him looked like he was from the government. He was dressed in all black and wore sungl***es. Upon closer inspection I noticed that the alien had been driving a Chinaware truck and that must be where the flying saucer came from.
"Can you clean that up for me?" The government man asked motioning toward the shattered dish.
Bob shrugged and picked up the peices of plaster and threw them into a nearby garbage bin. The goverment man then proceded to handcuff the alien and shove him into the back of his car, which was black and read, "Department of Immigration." When Bob was finished we began our long walk back home, after getting the gas, of course.
"That was kind of odd." I remarked to Bob about the occurence at the station.
"What was?"
"Well, the fact that an illegal alien would get all the way to Iowa before he got caught. Not only that, but why would he come to Iowa of all places!?"
"I dunno... Hey! What's wrong with Iowa?! I was born here you know! Are you insulting Iowa? I'mma hafta beat you if ya are!" He glared at me meanly.
I looked at him like a cow looks at an oncoming train.
"I was born her too, stupid, and yes I am insulting Iowa. I mean, just look around its all flat! I've never seen a bird or fish in my entire life, I don't even know if they really exist."
"Well...yeah."
"Yeah!" I said back.
Not having anything else to say we both just walked along back the way we had come, again in silence.
I was probably looking down as we approached it, but suddenly I heard Bob exclaim "WHAT IN THE HECK IS THAT?!"
I snapped up and looked around and saw what it was he was talking about.
"Wuh...wuh...Why is the corn purple, Dave?" Oh yeah, that's his name, Dave, not Bob, stupid, forgetful me.
"I don't know but I'm more than a little freaked out now."
"Welp, you know, there's only one thing we can do now."
"And what's that?" He mumbled.
"Taste it, of course." I said as I walked over to the side of the road.
"WAIT!" He exclaimed. "You shouldn't eat that corn! For one thing it's...purple, and for another it's not yours!"
"Look, Dave, really, I think the owner has bigger problems to worry about than some kid like me eatinng one ear of his corn."
With that, I tore off an ear and took a bite out of it.
"Hmm... It tastes kind of...purple."
Just after finishing my words I felt someone tap my shoulder and a chill went down my spine. I slapped the hand away and threw a fist full of corn into the face of the person behind me.
"Don't you EVER put ice down my back again! Wait, ice? Where did you get ice, Dave?"
I finally looked at the face I had intruded with my fist and corn and it was unlike any other I had seen. It had three eyes, one of which seemed to have fallen from its perch, it had funny-looking green hair, white skin and a big mouth, with some of the strangest clothes I have seen anyone wear. I jumped back about ten feet and grabbed up a corn-stalk ready to defend myself from the attacks of this strange creature. The white-skinned thing staggered back from my punch rubbing his nose. Not willing to wait for the thing to recover, I leapt at it, corn-stalk in hand, and brought it down on his back. Now let me tell you, if you ever get to pick your weapon in a fight, never choose a corn-stalk. The things are flimsy as paper. It bent over his back and did little more than probably make him mad, as the corn ears were the only thing to hit with any real force, and after the initial strike they had fallen away from the stalk. Nevertheless, undaunted I struck out with a flurry of blows until I was grabbed from behind by a man in a red suit.
"Hold on there, kid. Settle down and stop beating up Binzo!" He said, wresting my weapon from my grasp.
"What? you know this-this-this-this THING?!" I said perplexedly.
The man laughed. "Of course I know him. He is our lead clown! He got out of out the truck over there to ask you kids for directions to the fair grounds. We were supposed to do a circus..." He pause to think. "I think it was about nine and a half years ago, but we got lost and never found the fair grounds."
"Uh, that's nice, sir. Can you let go of me now?" I asked as politely as I could, eyes still fixed on what he called "Binzo."
"Oh of course, of course," he said releasing me.
"Thank you, now, to get to the fair grounds, it's really simple. We don't have any."
"Ahhhhh. That would do it I suppose. Well, thank you son, the show must go on you know!" With that, he laughed and took "Binzo" by the arm and left.
"That has got to be the freakiest thing I have ever seen." Bob- I mean Dave muttered to me.
"No kidding, the jerks didn't even ask if we wanted a ride."
"Well, you DID beat up their clown."
"Oh come on, you saw the way he looked! You honestly beleive that...thing...was a clown?"
"You can't tell me you didn't hear the big 'honk' when you bashed in his nose."
"Well...ummm...ermmm...it was an alien scream of terror...Yeah...that's it."
"Sure. Whatever. Hey why is it dark all of a sudden?"
"I dunno, I noticed it was dark when I looked up at the purple corn just before I punched that...'clown.'" That last word I said with the utmost sarcasm.
"Gee, I sure am getting sleepy."
"Wait, hold on, this can't be happening. This isn't rea-" and with that I fell on the side of the road in a deep sleep.
I awoke the next...day? I think. In a forrest. NOW I heard the birds singing and in front of me was that "Binzo" creature, while Dave was still out of it on my left. "Binzo" didn't seem to take notice of my awake status so I quietly picked up a sick and snuck up behind him. Poised to strike I cried out "BINZO!" The thing turned around and I again punched it in the face, then I proceeded to beat it with my stick until satisfied that it would not be getting up any time soon. All the ruccas slowly aroused Dave from his slumber and when he fully regained consiousness he just looked at me and shook his head.
"Now what did you do that for?!" he said with a look of frustration.
"Well...it...I...Ermm... YEAH!" I stood there like I'd actually given a reason and waited for a reply.
We stood there for what must have been minutes, just looking at one another, waiting for the other to speak.
"So," I finally said, "what now?"
"Well, I don't know. Where are we?"
"You are on a planet called Buhlooshnima XIII." Said a strange voice from behind.
"Uhh, XIII? I'm illiterate, so you'll have to spell that out." I said.
"Thirteen, ok THIRTEEN!" said Dave obviously mad.
"So sue me if I don't understand roman numerals, mister ticked-off." I snapped back.
"Both of you shut up!" said the voice, "I'm the important one here. Not you, me. Why don't you ask why you've been brought here, or what I want, or how you get home?"
"Well, duh," I said in the most "duh" voice I could muster. "because you are not so important, Mr. Me Me."
"Why, I never!" Said the voice, and with that I awoke to cold water being splashed on my face.
"I'm up, I'm up! Send me back in coach, I can take 'em!"
"What are you talking about?" Dave said to me.
"Erm...I...You...Never mind. Hey Dave, where did you get that water?"
"From that well over there."
"What well, there's no well on the way back ho-" I looked where he was pointing and there was indeed a well. "I always knew farmer Ted was a fast worker, but man, he really ought to slow down or he'll burn out. Uhh...Which way is home again?"
"I think it's this way." He said pointing down the road.
"Ok," I said, picking up the gas can. "Let's go, we don't have all day. Remember, the circus is in town!"
Hahahaha thanks tifo!!
"...So then I said 'And that's what happens then you try to make a pig fly to win a bet.'"
"Now that's what I call ironic."
"Indeed, indeed, I was thinking the same thing at the time."
That first voice up there is me, the second, that would be my good friend Umm...well, come to think of it I can't remember his name, so we'll just call him Bob. See, when Bob and I were having that conversation about..well...I forget what it was about now, but we had noooooo idea what we were in for later that day.
We were walking down the sidewalk in what I like to think is a nice suburb of some town in Iowa, I forget it's name. Bet you didn't think Iowa actually had suburbs and side walks did you? Well, you're right. They don't. But it's nice to think that. We were actually walking on the shoulder of the highway between my house and the enarest gas station, about twenty miles away. Needless to say, we never let gas get below an eighth of a tank...except for that day, which tells any sensible reader the reason for our trek.
We were only about two miles from the end of my drive way, and we had suddenly seemed to run out of things to talk about. Being Iowa, and the middle of Nowhere. YEAH! That's the name of the town! I remember now! Yeah, and in the middle of Nowhere there's not exactly a lot to look at. You have corn...and then you have more corn and that's really about it. So we were walking and not talking and I really couldn't think of much to say. Then we saw it. A big giant caterpillar walking accross the road. It was stepping all over a car that seemed to be abandond, so I kicked it off and picked up the car and put it in my pocket.
"It's about time!" I told Bob.
"What? Are we there yet? I don't see a gas station."
"No, stupid, I found that matchbox car I lost like ten years ago in preschool. How did it get all the way out here I wonder."
"Uhhhh, you never went to preschool."
I cut him a cold glare, and gave him a hard smack on the shoulder.
"You aren't funny, you know!"
"Yes I am."
He laughed and grinned widely at me, practically inviting me to knock out some of those teeth staring me in the face. Good thing I've never RSVP'ed to anything in my life, or Bob might be missing a few amberly golds. We continued walking in relative silence, except for the few birds chirpping. Wait...no...the chirping birds come later, I forgot, we're still in Iowa, there are no birds in Iowa, only corn. We walked along kicking some stones down the road. The hardest part about writing a story, I mean, walking along is trying to figure out what to say. So we said nothing. Three hundred fifty-eight thousand seven hundred seventeen times in a row if I remember correctly. By the time we got to the gas station, we were parched.
"What did you boys do that made you so darn thirsty?" Asked the gas station attendant.
Bob and I both looked at each other, grinned, and said, "Oh, nothin'."
We got a few drinks and snacks, and sat at a table in the station for a while, resting before the trek back, when suddenly a flying saucer landed at the right next to the window of the station. I walked outside to see where it came from and there was apparently a quite vexxed alien shouting what I can only guess were obsenities in a strange language. The man accompanying him looked like he was from the government. He was dressed in all black and wore sungl***es. Upon closer inspection I noticed that the alien had been driving a Chinaware truck and that must be where the flying saucer came from.
"Can you clean that up for me?" The government man asked motioning toward the shattered dish.
Bob shrugged and picked up the peices of plaster and threw them into a nearby garbage bin. The goverment man then proceded to handcuff the alien and shove him into the back of his car, which was black and read, "Department of Immigration." When Bob was finished we began our long walk back home, after getting the gas, of course.
"That was kind of odd." I remarked to Bob about the occurence at the station.
"What was?"
"Well, the fact that an illegal alien would get all the way to Iowa before he got caught. Not only that, but why would he come to Iowa of all places!?"
"I dunno... Hey! What's wrong with Iowa?! I was born here you know! Are you insulting Iowa? I'mma hafta beat you if ya are!" He glared at me meanly.
I looked at him like a cow looks at an oncoming train.
"I was born her too, stupid, and yes I am insulting Iowa. I mean, just look around its all flat! I've never seen a bird or fish in my entire life, I don't even know if they really exist."
"Well...yeah."
"Yeah!" I said back.
Not having anything else to say we both just walked along back the way we had come, again in silence.
I was probably looking down as we approached it, but suddenly I heard Bob exclaim "WHAT IN THE HECK IS THAT?!"
I snapped up and looked around and saw what it was he was talking about.
"Wuh...wuh...Why is the corn purple, Dave?" Oh yeah, that's his name, Dave, not Bob, stupid, forgetful me.
"I don't know but I'm more than a little freaked out now."
"Welp, you know, there's only one thing we can do now."
"And what's that?" He mumbled.
"Taste it, of course." I said as I walked over to the side of the road.
"WAIT!" He exclaimed. "You shouldn't eat that corn! For one thing it's...purple, and for another it's not yours!"
"Look, Dave, really, I think the owner has bigger problems to worry about than some kid like me eatinng one ear of his corn."
With that, I tore off an ear and took a bite out of it.
"Hmm... It tastes kind of...purple."
Just after finishing my words I felt someone tap my shoulder and a chill went down my spine. I slapped the hand away and threw a fist full of corn into the face of the person behind me.
"Don't you EVER put ice down my back again! Wait, ice? Where did you get ice, Dave?"
I finally looked at the face I had intruded with my fist and corn and it was unlike any other I had seen. It had three eyes, one of which seemed to have fallen from its perch, it had funny-looking green hair, white skin and a big mouth, with some of the strangest clothes I have seen anyone wear. I jumped back about ten feet and grabbed up a corn-stalk ready to defend myself from the attacks of this strange creature. The white-skinned thing staggered back from my punch rubbing his nose. Not willing to wait for the thing to recover, I leapt at it, corn-stalk in hand, and brought it down on his back. Now let me tell you, if you ever get to pick your weapon in a fight, never choose a corn-stalk. The things are flimsy as paper. It bent over his back and did little more than probably make him mad, as the corn ears were the only thing to hit with any real force, and after the initial strike they had fallen away from the stalk. Nevertheless, undaunted I struck out with a flurry of blows until I was grabbed from behind by a man in a red suit.
"Hold on there, kid. Settle down and stop beating up Binzo!" He said, wresting my weapon from my grasp.
"What? you know this-this-this-this THING?!" I said perplexedly.
The man laughed. "Of course I know him. He is our lead clown! He got out of out the truck over there to ask you kids for directions to the fair grounds. We were supposed to do a circus..." He pause to think. "I think it was about nine and a half years ago, but we got lost and never found the fair grounds."
"Uh, that's nice, sir. Can you let go of me now?" I asked as politely as I could, eyes still fixed on what he called "Binzo."
"Oh of course, of course," he said releasing me.
"Thank you, now, to get to the fair grounds, it's really simple. We don't have any."
"Ahhhhh. That would do it I suppose. Well, thank you son, the show must go on you know!" With that, he laughed and took "Binzo" by the arm and left.
"That has got to be the freakiest thing I have ever seen." Bob- I mean Dave muttered to me.
"No kidding, the jerks didn't even ask if we wanted a ride."
"Well, you DID beat up their clown."
"Oh come on, you saw the way he looked! You honestly beleive that...thing...was a clown?"
"You can't tell me you didn't hear the big 'honk' when you bashed in his nose."
"Well...ummm...ermmm...it was an alien scream of terror...Yeah...that's it."
"Sure. Whatever. Hey why is it dark all of a sudden?"
"I dunno, I noticed it was dark when I looked up at the purple corn just before I punched that...'clown.'" That last word I said with the utmost sarcasm.
"Gee, I sure am getting sleepy."
"Wait, hold on, this can't be happening. This isn't rea-" and with that I fell on the side of the road in a deep sleep.
I awoke the next...day? I think. In a forrest. NOW I heard the birds singing and in front of me was that "Binzo" creature, while Dave was still out of it on my left. "Binzo" didn't seem to take notice of my awake status so I quietly picked up a sick and snuck up behind him. Poised to strike I cried out "BINZO!" The thing turned around and I again punched it in the face, then I proceeded to beat it with my stick until satisfied that it would not be getting up any time soon. All the ruccas slowly aroused Dave from his slumber and when he fully regained consiousness he just looked at me and shook his head.
"Now what did you do that for?!" he said with a look of frustration.
"Well...it...I...Ermm... YEAH!" I stood there like I'd actually given a reason and waited for a reply.
We stood there for what must have been minutes, just looking at one another, waiting for the other to speak.
"So," I finally said, "what now?"
"Well, I don't know. Where are we?"
"You are on a planet called Buhlooshnima XIII." Said a strange voice from behind.
"Uhh, XIII? I'm illiterate, so you'll have to spell that out." I said.
"Thirteen, ok THIRTEEN!" said Dave obviously mad.
"So sue me if I don't understand roman numerals, mister ticked-off." I snapped back.
"Both of you shut up!" said the voice, "I'm the important one here. Not you, me. Why don't you ask why you've been brought here, or what I want, or how you get home?"
"Well, duh," I said in the most "duh" voice I could muster. "because you are not so important, Mr. Me Me."
"Why, I never!" Said the voice, and with that I awoke to cold water being splashed on my face.
"I'm up, I'm up! Send me back in coach, I can take 'em!"
"What are you talking about?" Dave said to me.
"Erm...I...You...Never mind. Hey Dave, where did you get that water?"
"From that well over there."
"What well, there's no well on the way back ho-" I looked where he was pointing and there was indeed a well. "I always knew farmer Ted was a fast worker, but man, he really ought to slow down or he'll burn out. Uhh...Which way is home again?"
"I think it's this way." He said pointing down the road.
"Ok," I said, picking up the gas can. "Let's go, we don't have all day. Remember, the circus is in town!"
Hahahaha thanks tifo!!
