Long Post, Joke: You know you are a racer when:
01-17-2002, 01:22 AM
#1
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Long Post, Joke: You know you are a racer when:
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A RACER WHEN:
-- You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
-- You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars (seats).
-- You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
-- You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.
-- You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to "racing depth".
-- When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
-- When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the track'.
-- You change engine oil every other week.
-- You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.
-- You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
-- Your racing budget is one of the big three - mortgage, car payments/maintenance, dating.
-- Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.
-- You walk "proper lines" through the grocery store.
-- You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
-- You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.
-- You bought a race car before buying a house.
-- You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
-- You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!
-- You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage
and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on
the street or in the front yard.
-- The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of
importance):
1) 8-car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28'
enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Conveniently close to a hazardous waste disposal site.
6) Deaf neighbors.
7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.
8) Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the
property somewhere or hookups for the motorhome.
-- You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires
that could have been purchased.
-- You know well that orthodontic work is the equivalent of three sets
of tires.
-- You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift
and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back
from the machine shop.
-- You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.
-- Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new mink."
-- Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
-- You have enough spare parts to build another car.
-- More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by
name when you call.
-- You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
-- You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Racers,start
your engines!"
-- If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on
weekends.
-- You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.
-- Your Christmas list begins with "another set of Toyo RA1's" and aluminum rods (and your 'significant other' knows what these are).
-- After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next
question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"
-- You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.
-- Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and
racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book
Carroll Smith has ever written and 400 car magazines, none
of which have centerfolds.
-- People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.
-- People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you're the one stuck in the mud
at ButtonBog last weekend!"
-- Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
-- Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair
skills. Air tools optional.
-- Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.
-- Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".
-- You plan your wedding around the race schedule.
-- You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar
every other week or so.
-- You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in,
but can't remember your phone number.
-- Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some
time with you.
-- You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't
stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
-- A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic
or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
-- You give out Automotive Engineering's number when a friend asks for
the best hardware store.
-- You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.
-- You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school.
-- You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars
coming out.
-- Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the turn.
-- You always do a toe & heel downshift while your passenger gives you a
real funny look.
-- You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you
are the best.
-- You can't stand understeer.
-- You always want to change something in your street car to make it
handle better.
-- You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
-- You hate long distance drives to visit relatives, or to go on
vacation, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
-- You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
-- You've ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her van.
-- You save broken car parts as "mementos".
-- Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as
you apexed the on-ramps perfectly.
-- You've found your lawn mower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't care for alcohol).
-- The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car
you have been within 50 yards of.
-- The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under
his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust system.
-- The local police and state Highway Patrol have a picture of your car
taped to their dashboard.
-- You spend more time polishing your exhaust tips every day than you do bathing.
-- Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have qualifying times.
-- You would choose a roll bar over air conditioning if it were an option.
-- You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the
emergency brake to kick the back end out.
-- White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.
-- You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev
limiter "a fun limiter."
-- You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.
-- Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.
-- When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "Prepared to Win."
-- When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
-- You have racing shops programmed on your speed dialer.
-- You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
-- You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower
and want to improve them.
-- You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting
on wearing your full face helmet while driving.
-- You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute,
including your alternate routes, and practice hitting them every day.
-- You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.
-- You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a
little too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.
-- You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.
-- You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview afterwards.
-- After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she
answers: "Why... is there a race there?"
This all came from Austim Motorsport Racing list..thanks..
-- You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
-- You take your helmet along when you go to buy new eyeglasses or check out cars (seats).
-- You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
-- You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.
-- You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to "racing depth".
-- When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
-- When you hear 'overcooked it', instead of food you think 'off the track'.
-- You change engine oil every other week.
-- You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning in.
-- You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
-- Your racing budget is one of the big three - mortgage, car payments/maintenance, dating.
-- Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.
-- You walk "proper lines" through the grocery store.
-- You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
-- You buy new parts because you don't know where you put the spares.
-- You bought a race car before buying a house.
-- You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
-- You're looking for a tow vehicle and still haven't bought furniture!
-- You find that you need a new house because you've outgrown your garage
and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on
the street or in the front yard.
-- The requirements you give your real estate agent are (in order of
importance):
1) 8-car climate controlled garage with an attached shop.
2) Outside parking for 6 cars, a motorhome, a crew cab dualie, a 28'
enclosed trailer and a 34' 5th wheel.
3) 3 phase 220V outlets in the garage for your welder.
4) A grease pit.
5) Conveniently close to a hazardous waste disposal site.
6) Deaf neighbors.
7) Across the street from a paint and body shop.
8) Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the
property somewhere or hookups for the motorhome.
-- You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of race tires
that could have been purchased.
-- You know well that orthodontic work is the equivalent of three sets
of tires.
-- You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift
and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back
from the machine shop.
-- You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.
-- Your wife says, "If you buy another set of tires, I'm getting a new mink."
-- Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
-- You have enough spare parts to build another car.
-- More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by
name when you call.
-- You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
-- You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Racers,start
your engines!"
-- If you can't remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on
weekends.
-- You're registered for wedding gifts at Pegasus and Racer Wholesale.
-- Your Christmas list begins with "another set of Toyo RA1's" and aluminum rods (and your 'significant other' knows what these are).
-- After your answer to "What did you do this weekend?" the next
question is always: "And you do this for fun? Right?"
-- You have a separate drawer for 'garage clothes'.
-- Your reading material in your bathroom consists of auto parts and
racing supply catalogs, several books written by famous drivers, every book
Carroll Smith has ever written and 400 car magazines, none
of which have centerfolds.
-- People know you by your class letter, car number, and car color.
-- People know you by your "off"s". "Oh, you're the one stuck in the mud
at ButtonBog last weekend!"
-- Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
-- Your criteria for selecting a significant other include auto repair
skills. Air tools optional.
-- Your friends don't recognize you without a helmet and driver's suit.
-- Your family remembers your hair color as "grease".
-- You plan your wedding around the race schedule.
-- You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar
every other week or so.
-- You remember the dates and details of every race you've ever been in,
but can't remember your phone number.
-- Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some
time with you.
-- You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't
stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
-- A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic
or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
-- You give out Automotive Engineering's number when a friend asks for
the best hardware store.
-- You look at the fire hydrant at that corner and see an apex marker.
-- You enjoy driving in the rain on the way to work or school.
-- You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars
coming out.
-- Everywhere you go, you try to find the fastest line through the turn.
-- You always do a toe & heel downshift while your passenger gives you a
real funny look.
-- You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you
are the best.
-- You can't stand understeer.
-- You always want to change something in your street car to make it
handle better.
-- You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
-- You hate long distance drives to visit relatives, or to go on
vacation, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
-- You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
-- You've ever tried to convince your wife you needed that flow bench to fix the air filter on her van.
-- You save broken car parts as "mementos".
-- Your last several freeway forays included just brushing the curbs as
you apexed the on-ramps perfectly.
-- You've found your lawn mower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn't care for alcohol).
-- The local tire shop won't honor the tread life warranty on any car
you have been within 50 yards of.
-- The shop manager at your local car dealer mutters "dear Lord" under
his breath after he sees the size of your exhaust system.
-- The local police and state Highway Patrol have a picture of your car
taped to their dashboard.
-- You spend more time polishing your exhaust tips every day than you do bathing.
-- Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have qualifying times.
-- You would choose a roll bar over air conditioning if it were an option.
-- You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots and using the
emergency brake to kick the back end out.
-- White smoke coming out from under your tires is a common sight.
-- You consider the redline a "conservative suggestion" and the rev
limiter "a fun limiter."
-- You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.
-- Your idea of a good time is sitting around figuring out gear ratios and the ideal final drive ratio for given situations.
-- When someone refers to "The Good Book", you think of "Prepared to Win."
-- When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
-- You have racing shops programmed on your speed dialer.
-- You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
-- You know the 1/4 mile times and skid pad numbers of your riding mower
and want to improve them.
-- You've embarrassed your significant other at least once by insisting
on wearing your full face helmet while driving.
-- You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute,
including your alternate routes, and practice hitting them every day.
-- You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.
-- You regularly live test your rev limiter on that straight that's a
little too long for 2nd but not worth going into 3rd for.
-- You've started looking for sponsors for your daily commute.
-- You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview afterwards.
-- After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she
answers: "Why... is there a race there?"
This all came from Austim Motorsport Racing list..thanks..
01-17-2002, 11:26 AM
#4
Deer Slayer
Lifetime Rennlist
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My favorite Porsche related joke is (don't know where I read it):
"You keep running red lights because they appear green because of Doppler shift."
heh heh heh
Thaddeus
"You keep running red lights because they appear green because of Doppler shift."
heh heh heh
Thaddeus
01-17-2002, 12:03 PM
#5
Race Car
That list is hilarious, I found SO many of those to be true! Thaddeus also had an amusing joke to add, I like it...very creative! I'd like to add one to Dan's list thought...scariest part is that I do it!
--When you're casually walking through the house or through hallways you take racing lines all the time [sweeping wide, then hitting the apex at the corner and easing back out]...not only that, but you hit your damn shoulder on corners half the time!
LOL! -Trevor
I'd like to add one to Dan's list thought...scariest part is that I do it!--When you're casually walking through the house or through hallways you take racing lines all the time [sweeping wide, then hitting the apex at the corner and easing back out]...not only that, but you hit your damn shoulder on corners half the time!
LOL! -Trevor
01-17-2002, 12:03 PM
#6
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Red light has a wavelength ~620 nm, green ~510. We're going to use the Lorentz Doppler equation to correct for relatavistic effects, so: f = (1 - v^2/c^2)^.5 / (1 - v/c) * f0, f = (3e8/5.1e-7) = 5.88e14 Hz, f0 = (3e8/6.2e-7) = 4.84e14 Hz.
So v = 57666206 m/s, 128995631 mph or about 20% of lightspeed. That is one MEAN p-car
.
--
Semper Fi
Cpl SH Won
Wpns Co, 2nd Bn, 24th Marines
So v = 57666206 m/s, 128995631 mph or about 20% of lightspeed. That is one MEAN p-car
.--
Semper Fi
Cpl SH Won
Wpns Co, 2nd Bn, 24th Marines
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01-17-2002, 01:34 PM
#8
Three Wheelin'
Join Date: May 2001
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Actually, the only two vanity tags I've ever considered for the 968 were "DOPPLER" or "REDSHIFT." But I figured that they'd go over the head of 90+% of the motoring public, so...why bother? Maybe next year... 
And thanks, Dan P, for an excellent early AM laugh...
Jim, time to Doppler on out of here....
And thanks, Dan P, for an excellent early AM laugh...
Jim, time to Doppler on out of here....
01-17-2002, 01:43 PM
#9
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Jim wrote, "Actually, the only two vanity tags I've ever considered for the 968 were "DOPPLER" or "REDSHIFT." But I figured that they'd go over the head of 90+% of the motoring public, so...why bother?"
I think the best plates are the ones you have to think about. Go for it.
I think the best plates are the ones you have to think about. Go for it.
01-17-2002, 07:55 PM
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Another quote for Porsches:
'You mention to your significant other on how good the car feels, before your credit card has gone cold from paying $1000 to replace a part you didn't know existed before it broke'
or
'You consider buying your significant other an Autothority chip for her 2 door hatch shopping car for her birthday, because you think she actually gives a damn about the extra 5kw her car will improve.'
Sam.
'You mention to your significant other on how good the car feels, before your credit card has gone cold from paying $1000 to replace a part you didn't know existed before it broke'
or
'You consider buying your significant other an Autothority chip for her 2 door hatch shopping car for her birthday, because you think she actually gives a damn about the extra 5kw her car will improve.'
Sam.
01-17-2002, 08:11 PM
#11
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Speaking of "RED SHIFT"...
I think I posted this a while back but for those of you who haven't had a chance, this is a poem my brother wrote a few years back.
Red Shift
by Gordon Olde (my bro)
(After William Shakespeare's Sonnet)
Our eyes first met while she hovered on stage
In red lingerie, a bright dancing flame.
Potent, yet peaceful she smoked in a rage.
I'd have asked, but her backside showed her name.
She's never been cheap and so feels no shame;
Presuming her worth for she looked the part,
I paid the grand sum and slipped Lust the blame.
Once charmed, both up and away did we dart,
Alone inside her--her inside my heart.
Sweet leathery softness slid home with me,
Now seconds after the parties we start
I've passed the Limit in just over three.
So wax her gently and pardon the slow
Who eat dust from her, my Porsche Turbo.
I think I posted this a while back but for those of you who haven't had a chance, this is a poem my brother wrote a few years back.
Red Shift
by Gordon Olde (my bro)
(After William Shakespeare's Sonnet)
Our eyes first met while she hovered on stage
In red lingerie, a bright dancing flame.
Potent, yet peaceful she smoked in a rage.
I'd have asked, but her backside showed her name.
She's never been cheap and so feels no shame;
Presuming her worth for she looked the part,
I paid the grand sum and slipped Lust the blame.
Once charmed, both up and away did we dart,
Alone inside her--her inside my heart.
Sweet leathery softness slid home with me,
Now seconds after the parties we start
I've passed the Limit in just over three.
So wax her gently and pardon the slow
Who eat dust from her, my Porsche Turbo.
01-17-2002, 10:15 PM
#13
Race Car
Red Shift
by Gordon Olde (my bro)
(After William Shakespeare's Sonnet)
by Gordon Olde (my bro)
(After William Shakespeare's Sonnet)
-Trevor