Funnies, not for the ladies.
05-17-2003, 03:07 PM
#1
Instructor
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Northbrook, IL (originally Scotland)
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Funnies, not for the ladies.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
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Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
05-17-2003, 03:29 PM
#2
Nerd Herder
Rennlist Member
Rennlist Member
all the quotes that can lead to eventual divorce.
Thank for sharing.. I have done and said a few of those myself- draw your own conclusion..
Thank for sharing.. I have done and said a few of those myself- draw your own conclusion..
05-17-2003, 04:27 PM
#4
Nordschleife Master
<img src="http://members.rennlist.com/luke/imac.bmp" alt=" - " />
figured this would be 'appropriate' here. I dont beleive any of it IMHO, but it's funny and it iritates "her"
figured this would be 'appropriate' here. I dont beleive any of it IMHO, but it's funny and it iritates "her"
05-17-2003, 07:46 PM
#7
Official Bay Area Patriot
Fuse 24 Assassin
Rennlist Member
Fuse 24 Assassin
Rennlist Member
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who knows, what the hell is she doin outta the kitchen!?
I think I'm a get put in the doghouse for this one...
<img border="0" alt="[burnout]" title="" src="graemlins/burnout.gif" />
Who knows, what the hell is she doin outta the kitchen!?
I think I'm a get put in the doghouse for this one...
<img border="0" alt="[burnout]" title="" src="graemlins/burnout.gif" />
Trending Topics
05-17-2003, 10:15 PM
#8
Nordschleife Master
Along the same lines:
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: because it's worth it!!!
I encourage Michelle and Julie to find the anti-men jokes and post them here in rebuttal! Those ones are pretty funny too!
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: because it's worth it!!!
I encourage Michelle and Julie to find the anti-men jokes and post them here in rebuttal! Those ones are pretty funny too!
05-18-2003, 02:21 AM
#9
Race Car
This one is for my ex.
Why do doctors slap a newborn baby in the butt?
To knock the dicks out of the stupid ones. <img border="0" alt="[thumbsup]" title="" src="graemlins/bigok.gif" />
Why do doctors slap a newborn baby in the butt?
To knock the dicks out of the stupid ones. <img border="0" alt="[thumbsup]" title="" src="graemlins/bigok.gif" />
05-18-2003, 03:55 AM
#10
Nordschleife Master
God created man because she was only joking!
- Julie
- Julie
05-18-2003, 06:40 PM
#12
Nordschleife Master
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana,Tahoma,Helvetica">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana,Tahoma,Helvetica">Originally posted by Devia:
<strong>God created man because she was only joking!
- Julie</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana,Tahoma,Helvetica"><img border="0" alt="[offtopic]" title="" src="graemlins/offtopic.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[icon501]" title="" src="graemlins/icon501.gif" />
<strong>God created man because she was only joking!
- Julie</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana,Tahoma,Helvetica"><img border="0" alt="[offtopic]" title="" src="graemlins/offtopic.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[icon501]" title="" src="graemlins/icon501.gif" />
05-18-2003, 07:37 PM
#13
Nordschleife Master
Geez, Luke, you men can dish it out but NOT TAKE IT!? What does that say about men?
You guys post inflammatory jokes, I take it in good stride, but then you cry Off Topic when I post a joke back!?
You know what I say to all the fan boys at the Comic Book conventions that **** me off?
BITE ME, FANBOY! Get a life!
- Julie
You guys post inflammatory jokes, I take it in good stride, but then you cry Off Topic when I post a joke back!?
You know what I say to all the fan boys at the Comic Book conventions that **** me off?
BITE ME, FANBOY! Get a life!
- Julie
05-18-2003, 07:54 PM
#15
Nordschleife Master
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana,Tahoma,Helvetica">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana,Tahoma,Helvetica">Originally posted by Devia:
<strong>God created man because she was only joking!
- Julie</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana,Tahoma,Helvetica">uhh...I don't get it...maybe its the testosterone blocking the brain again?
Explain please
<strong>God created man because she was only joking!
- Julie</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana,Tahoma,Helvetica">uhh...I don't get it...maybe its the testosterone blocking the brain again?
Explain please