Joke of the day thread
09-08-2010, 07:33 AM
#47
Rennlist Member
Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."
"And?" Bill asked.
"Well, she said, 'Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds on it'."
"So what did you end up getting her?" asked Bill.
"I bought her a deck of cards!"
"And?" Bill asked.
"Well, she said, 'Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds on it'."
"So what did you end up getting her?" asked Bill.
"I bought her a deck of cards!"
09-09-2010, 08:48 AM
#48
Advanced
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: ancaster, ontario
Posts: 77
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Best Pub/Bar in The World
Three guys sitting in a pub....
The first says: "Jesus, this is a nice pub, but where I come from, there's a better one. At Flahertys, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and Flaherty himself will buy your third drink!"
The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."
Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"
Three guys sitting in a pub....
The first says: "Jesus, this is a nice pub, but where I come from, there's a better one. At Flahertys, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and Flaherty himself will buy your third drink!"
The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."
Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"
09-10-2010, 11:27 AM
#50
Rennlist Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 2,457
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'Get the f*#k away from me!!! You're bad luck! '
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'Get the f*#k away from me!!! You're bad luck! '
09-11-2010, 05:47 PM
#51
Advanced
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: ancaster, ontario
Posts: 77
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
For old men....
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have a friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said. "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly."
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have a friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said. "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly."
09-12-2010, 04:51 PM
#52
Instructor
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 121
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f#^@ your brains out, and suck your **** dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f#^@ your brains out, and suck your **** dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.
Last edited by arcteryxbird; 09-12-2010 at 05:09 PM.
09-13-2010, 08:13 PM
#53
Advanced
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: ancaster, ontario
Posts: 77
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Letter from Mom....
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it.. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it.. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
09-13-2010, 10:59 PM
#55
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?''
Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'The cop looked the bike
over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!
'The young girl looked up at the cop and said 'Nice horse you've got
there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered 'Yes, he sure
did!'The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;....The dick goes underneath the horse, not on
top'!!
Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?''
Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'The cop looked the bike
over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!
'The young girl looked up at the cop and said 'Nice horse you've got
there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered 'Yes, he sure
did!'The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;....The dick goes underneath the horse, not on
top'!!
09-20-2010, 02:26 PM
#56
Rennlist Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 2,457
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
09-20-2010, 02:26 PM
#57
Rennlist Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 2,457
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
09-20-2010, 02:42 PM
#58
Burning Brakes
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: erin, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,240
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
forget phoning a friend, just poll the audience!!!
09-20-2010, 10:02 PM
#60
Advanced
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: ancaster, ontario
Posts: 77
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and didn’t invite people he didn’t like to his BBQ’s and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and wore whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and didn’t invite people he didn’t like to his BBQ’s and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and wore whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end