Joke of the day thread
08-24-2010, 11:29 PM
#16
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Location: Markham,Ontario
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LMAO!!
08-24-2010, 11:46 PM
#17
Rennlist Member
OK, Chris, confession jokes...
A priest is taking confessions. An old man hobbles in to tell him that last night, he spend the entire night enjoying all that two gorgeous 18-year-old twins could offer.
The priest asked when he had last been to confession.
"Oh, I have never been to confession, Father. I'm Jewish."
"So why are you telling me this, now?"
'I'm telling everybody!"
A priest is taking confessions. An old man hobbles in to tell him that last night, he spend the entire night enjoying all that two gorgeous 18-year-old twins could offer.
The priest asked when he had last been to confession.
"Oh, I have never been to confession, Father. I'm Jewish."
"So why are you telling me this, now?"
'I'm telling everybody!"
08-25-2010, 10:41 AM
#20
Rennlist Member
A farmer owns a very active rooster. On Monday the rooster f##ks every cow on the farm. Next day, he f##ks every hog on the farm. On Wed, he f##ks every sheep on the farm. On Thur, he has his way with the Farmer's dogs and cats. On Friday, the farmer walks out and sees the rooster in the barn yard flat on his back with his eyes closed. The farmer walks closer and notices a vulture hovering. Farmer says "Well, he finally f##ked himself to death. Roooster opens his eyes and says " Sshhh. He was just about to land".
08-25-2010, 11:02 AM
#22
Rennlist Member
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
"with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .......
"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
"with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .......
"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"
08-25-2010, 11:48 PM
#25
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Toronto, Canada
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Mental patients
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
08-27-2010, 11:47 AM
#26
Rennlist Member
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s--t inside!"
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s--t inside!"
08-27-2010, 01:07 PM
#27
Rennlist Member
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
08-27-2010, 03:54 PM
#28
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their new 911 Cabriolet with a coat hanger.
The first blonde turned to her friend and said "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
The friend quickly replied "well you better hurry, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"
The first blonde turned to her friend and said "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"
The friend quickly replied "well you better hurry, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"
08-27-2010, 11:49 PM
#29
Team Owner
a new immigrant to Canada is so pleased to be in the country he runs up to the first person he sees and says thank you Canadian i am so glad to be here
The person responds I am not Canadian I am South African .. the man appologizes
he runs up to the next man and says thank you Canadian I am so glad to be here
. The man responds i am a Tamil from Shri Lanka .. the man again appologizes and runs up to a lady .
Oh thank you Canadian I am so hapy to be here ! I am from Afghanistan she replies .... " where the F;;K are all the Canadians the man asks !!!!
she responds ... it's Wednesday .. they are probably at work ...
The person responds I am not Canadian I am South African .. the man appologizes
he runs up to the next man and says thank you Canadian I am so glad to be here
. The man responds i am a Tamil from Shri Lanka .. the man again appologizes and runs up to a lady .
Oh thank you Canadian I am so hapy to be here ! I am from Afghanistan she replies .... " where the F;;K are all the Canadians the man asks !!!!
she responds ... it's Wednesday .. they are probably at work ...
08-30-2010, 08:59 AM
#30
a new immigrant to Canada is so pleased to be in the country he runs up to the first person he sees and says thank you Canadian i am so glad to be here
The person responds I am not Canadian I am South African .. the man appologizes
he runs up to the next man and says thank you Canadian I am so glad to be here
. The man responds i am a Tamil from Shri Lanka .. the man again appologizes and runs up to a lady .
Oh thank you Canadian I am so hapy to be here ! I am from Afghanistan she replies .... " where the F;;K are all the Canadians the man asks !!!!
she responds ... it's Wednesday .. they are probably at work ...
The person responds I am not Canadian I am South African .. the man appologizes
he runs up to the next man and says thank you Canadian I am so glad to be here
. The man responds i am a Tamil from Shri Lanka .. the man again appologizes and runs up to a lady .
Oh thank you Canadian I am so hapy to be here ! I am from Afghanistan she replies .... " where the F;;K are all the Canadians the man asks !!!!
she responds ... it's Wednesday .. they are probably at work ...
