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07-18-2007, 04:08 PM
#32
Nordschleife Master
"I have placed calls, and I am just waiting for the information" - Dilbert
07-18-2007, 04:39 PM
#33
Rennlist Member
I LIKE MONKEYS
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.
I like monkeys
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.
I like monkeys
07-18-2007, 04:58 PM
#36
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You must have gotten your monkeys on that clearance sale. They've been clearing them out of Madagascar like crazy. When I got my 200 I was pretty stoked, then I found out they all had the Croogaboo virus from the country of Ooblagong. Its fatal, but only if eaten which bummed me out because I was fixing to have monkeyloaf, with some mashed monkey, and mixed spleens. After I read the notice sent out by the prime chancellor of Gwabagazang I ended up posting my monkeys on Craigslist. Listed them As-Is got a few offers around $125 for the set of 200. Finally sold them to some guy who mumbled something about owning a few McDonalds franchises but I didn't bother inquiring further.
I then went back to the pet store and informed them that they were selling defective monkeys, they told me that they knew of the problem, and that was why they were on clearance. I argued the fact that they shouldn't be selling known defecting merchandise because it wasn't up to FDA standards to do so. They gave me one live OEM replacement monkey so I wouldn't spread the word. After awhile I noticed that all of the girls I met liked my monkey so I named it Jules. The novelty of monkey ownership soon wore off however so I handed Jules a bushel of bananas, a knapsack, a couple of dollars, and a small bike, and sent him on his way.
After this, I have reached the conclusion that the 5 cent special on Giraffes and Zebra's probably would have been much more worth it.
I then went back to the pet store and informed them that they were selling defective monkeys, they told me that they knew of the problem, and that was why they were on clearance. I argued the fact that they shouldn't be selling known defecting merchandise because it wasn't up to FDA standards to do so. They gave me one live OEM replacement monkey so I wouldn't spread the word. After awhile I noticed that all of the girls I met liked my monkey so I named it Jules. The novelty of monkey ownership soon wore off however so I handed Jules a bushel of bananas, a knapsack, a couple of dollars, and a small bike, and sent him on his way.
After this, I have reached the conclusion that the 5 cent special on Giraffes and Zebra's probably would have been much more worth it.
07-18-2007, 05:19 PM
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07-18-2007, 05:52 PM
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