Carrera51

"Sustaining an erection for more than 4 hours is not a normal occurence. If this condition occurs, contact your physician immediately."

Cialis commercial

Jeremy you are killing me.

Jeremy Himsel

Sure do!

Mongo

When Animals Attack....



Andy

Jeremy Himsel

When Democrats Attack...........

Mongo

Andy

Jeremy Himsel

Humm???? In that case.........

Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."
The boss says, "What's that?"
Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her privates."
The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."
They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her."
The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her ****."
Charlie says, "Her ****? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

Mongo

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Andy

Jeremy Himsel

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your *****?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

Mongo

HOW TO GET BACK AT A CHEATING GIRLFRIEND

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Andy

Jeremy Himsel

Andy you forgot to mention what the first time was like for that couple so I will.....John D come on and delete this thread.....

A man is getting ready to have sex with his new high-school sweetheart for the first time. He tries to push it in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it."
She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier."
He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier.
"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?"
"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the scabs..."


Sorry guys.

Mongo

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.

The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"

The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"

Andy

Carrera51

Bubba up to his old tricks.

Jeremy Himsel

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits
in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all
these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up
her dress, squats down, picking the dough up with her ******. "Practice
this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be
satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practised and practised until her wedding night. While her
anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy
negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the
dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough.

Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of
gas, which made a thunderous growling sound.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong honey?" she asked.

He replied, "****, woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing
barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat
at it!"

Chris_924s

what kind of meat does the father eat on Sunday. Nun.

oh well... :ROLLEYES:

jonnybgood

Just to prove I do have a sense of humor:

Why don't women have any brains?

Because God could not find a ***** to put it in!

Sexist? yes, but it cuts both ways.