I know Porsches are supposed to be great cars and a lot of fun to drive but the below have to be some of the dumbest set of design decisions I have ever seen on any car, German, American or Japanese. I've owned every major German brand and experienced ups/downs of many design decisions, but I have never seen a combination like this - the below design decisions takes the cake on DUMB:

- battery on my very low mileage 997.1 dies (even though I had a battery tender on it two days before and it showed fully charged). No clue why/how, only recent work done in last few weeks was preventative IMS replacement the week before, and I probably drove around 100 miles since then and started the car maybe 8 - 10 times since then. I put the car in my storage garage yesterday (again after having it on battery tender the day before which showed it was fully charged), and tried to take it out today and have no clue how/why battery died, nothing was left on in the car and I did not have it locked so alarm was not on. I'll assume its just a worn out battery that can't hold a charge, even though I started it each week in winter storage and it was fine and it was started the day before.

- I go to take the car out of my storage garage and here is where the raw stupidity of some Porsche engineers starts to rear its head:

1. DUMB DESIGN IDEA #1: Battery is dead so I can't open the hood to jump it - so their genius design ensures the one time you most need to access the front trunk - to jump the car or replace the battery - you are locked out from doing so. I know this is well known, but - How dumb is that? Yes I know about popping the fuse box to put jumper cable on the prescribed place in the fuse box and putting the other cable on door hinge, but for some unexplained reason that will not work right now (and yes I know you are supposed to use the car key to try to pop the hood once you have the "fuse box" jumper thing hooked up and charging). Net - it didn't work so the hood is still locked so I can't jump the car and the "release the hood using the fuse box jumper access and car key release for hood" is not working - therefore I can not access the battery.

2. DUMB DESIGN IDEA #2: When you put the keys in the ignition of a dead battery 997.1, the car locks/holds the key in the ignition and will not let you pull the key out if battery is dead. I've read that this is for "security reasons". How dumb is that design? For years no one ever did something this dumb - but the genius Porsche engineers made the decision this was a good idea. Millions of cars produced and no one ever had to design this "feature" in, that basically constrains the owner one step further than the above dumb constraint, when his/her battery is dead.

3. DUMB DESIGN IDEA #3: Even with the key in the ignition (because now it can't be pulled out due to the dead battery) and with turning the key to "on" or "start" the steering wheel remains locked. How dumb is that?

So now with my car in a very tight space in storage:

a. I can't pop the hood to jump the battery (no manual override of the electronic lock is designed in the car) since the "jumper cable to fuse box/hood pull-out and door hinge" work around is not working - neither the key stuck in the ignition nor the spare key "hood release" button release the hood.

b. no electrical outlets near the storage so I can't pull a battery tender/trickle charge in.

c. I can't push/roll my car out of the tight storage because the steering wheel remains locked (even with keys in ignition while in "on" position or me "holding to start" position).

d. Even if I could push/roll the car out of storage, there is only about 36' of space to the building behind the storage garage door, so even if I wanted to flatbed it somewhere - I can't, the steering wheel is locked so even if I could push the car out of storage with the steering wheel locked, I could not turn the steering wheel to the left or right to angle it away from the garage/building to get on a flatbed.

These have to be a collection of some of the dumbest design decisions I have ever experienced on any car. I am sure some of the engineers at Porsche could try to rationalize these dumb decisions - but the reality is - having a battery die on a car is not that uncommon and for many many years most cars had none of the above "features" so jumping/replacing a battery for fairly easy - but the geniuses at Porsche decided to design in things that made it extra difficult to so a basic/common thing like battery replacement.

No clue how I get my car out of storage and started now. If I had power near the car I could use trickle charger in the cigarette lighter - I don't. If the steering wheel didn't remain locked I could roll the car out and get it on a flatbed - it doesn't work that way, steering wheel remains locked. If the jumping/power to the "hood pull out" thing in the fuse bo worked, I could pop the hood - it doesn't (this is a mystery - I have no clue why this is not working - this is supposed to be very straight forward). I checked and the jumper is grounded properly and positive end was properly secured to the "hood release power thing" in the fuse box.

 

No contention about the design flaws in this respect. Some parts of this car are divine, other pieces seem to be made of cheese.

Might not help you much, but there is a mechanical key release that requires no power. I think you pull the plastic ring around the key off, which reveals a little hole, then you poke something into that hole and the key should pop out. Google it to be sure.

To get to the frunk release cable you have to remove the front left wheel and forward wheel arch cover; how easy is that. Rumor has it that some have managed this by going through the left light cover just in front of the wheel.

Good luck!

 

Thanks for the tip, I appreciate it.
Its been a fun car to drive but this kind of stuff drives you nuts.

 

All German cars are difficult and unnecessarily complicated. Not well thought out.

 

You could get 2 wheels dolly under the front wheels and roll it out or let the tow truck driver figure it out. That's what they are paid to do

 

Most tow companies have the dollies on their trucks.

 

I have had every other major German brand (VW, MB, Audi) and multiple models and US cars, Japanese and even English and I have never seen this combination of dumb design decisions. Dead battery = lock you out of access to the battery most when you need it, holds your key hostage in the ignition, locks the steering wheel even with keys in ignition so I can't roll it out and onto a flatbed......that is totally dumb ***.
Only these morons could turn a dead battery into the above scenario, its not just one bad design decision its one on top of another that created the above scenario.

 

yea I thought about that (using dollys form tow company) but that assume I can turn the steering wheel and roll it out of storage and or jack it up from and back to get the dollys under it...they space it is in is too tight

 

MSQ, in your post you said that you put the positive jumper on the red post in the fuse box and the negative jumper on the door hinge. The door hinges have a thick heavy coat of paint on them and will not conduct electricity. If you look in the owner’s manual it will say to attach the negative cable to the door arrester base. This door brake is located midway between the door hinges. An even better ground is the shiny chrome door latch striker hoop.

 

I can try this tomorrow when I go back for try #3. I tried the ground in few different places in and around the hinge and the Lithium charger seemed to indicate I had a complete circuit, but I will try. Not sure what the door arrester base is however, I assume its below the hinge? (I was duplicating what a guy on you tube did for ground it it worked for him)

Thanks for taking time to answer.

 

Use dollies to get the car out.

Once you get the frunk open pull the latch and add a wire from the bottom of the lever to behind the right side running light. That light pops off easily for access to the wire that will easily open the frunk mechanically.

This has been written up elsewhere in the last couple of months as you are not alone in your pain.

 

I've had several batteries die between the three 997's I've owned but never had the key get stuck like you describe. I must have lucked out where there wasn't enough left in those batteries to crank the car or arrest the key but just enough to pop the frunk with the door sill switch or the middle button on the key. As for the red breaker on the CB panel it seems to be hit and miss for reasons unknown. Works for some but no luck for others.

I'll add to your list of poor design decisions with a post of mine from Saturday: https://rennlist.com/forums/997-foru...l#post17356127

These batteries, at least the ones on the 997's I've owned give no warning they're near death. As I said in the post referred to above they can go from what seem to be perfectly healthy to worthless or near worthless from one crank to the next. Never had this phenomena on any other car I've owned and I've been through a number of them by now.

Lastly, getting to the mechanical release in the left front wheel well isn't just a PIA but even if you manage to locate it, it doesn't always work based on a number of posts I've read here over the years.

 

And thus the reason for the second cable exiting right and accessible through the right side marker light. This is a very easy mod. It's best to be proactive IMHO.

 

The fuse box connection with keyfob pop will work if done correctly. I just did this on mine after forgetting to move the Battery Tender plug from the battery for the emergency generator back to the 997 when we were expecting a storm. Totally killed my 8 year old Optima battery, which probably would have lasted another 2 years. Realized it when opening the door and the window didn't drop. Put the key in - key stuck like you mention.

I believe your first problem is that your battery is shot. The Tender shows it fully charged but it has no capacity so it gets a surface charge, but as soon as its under load (like starting the car), it's dead. Replacing that is job one after getting the car out of the parking spot.

Your second problem could be that you're connecting the tender to a socket that doesn't stay active when the car goes to sleep. You should be able to use either the passenger foot well one or the ashtray one, but cannot use the center console one under the arm rest. Really, it's petter to hook the tender quick connect pigtail directly to the battery terminals and bring it out by the windshield near the cowl.

Fancy jumper cables will not work for the trunk pop. I'm talking about the type that automatically detect the polarity so they can't be hooked up backwards. Tried those on mine and yiu never get the 2nd connection light. You have to use regular ones. Pull the hot terminal out, put the positive cable onto it. I also tried the silver door catch and that didn't work. Find the raw (unpainted) nut at the front of the door that's part of the door catch and hook the negative to that. Once you have a good connection on that and the positive pull out, you'll actually hear the ignition lock release the key. Wait 10 seconds or so for the system to build some charge and then the key button will pop the hood.

Good luck.

 

to unlock the steering wheel, there is a little tab in the plastic trim ring around the key surround. Pop that tab out, insert paper clip and key will come out. Try to straighten wheel. I agree 1000% about the really stupid design decisions that you describe. I have had the key stuck in ignition situation (which is in the glove box manual BTW), and a dead battery - but with the frunk not shut tight, so I was able to open it with the latch.