Joke of the day thread
08-30-2010, 10:10 PM
#31
Racer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Southwestern Ontario
Posts: 335
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Stanley the accountant gets sent to prison for tax evasion. He goes to his cell and is met by his 6'8 300lb cellmate "Bubba". Bubba introduces himself to Stanley.
Bubba - "let's play a game Stanley"
Stanley - "uhhhhh - I don't think I want to play any games Bubba"
Bubba - "Stanley, I SAID you and me is GONNA play a game!"
Stanley - "uhhh - OK - what's the game?"
Bubba - "we gonna play a game called "house""
Stanley - "uhhhhh - I don't think I want to play house"
Bubba - "I SAID we gonna play house!"
Stanley - "OK"
Bubba - "now in a house, there's a Momma and a Poppa. Ima gonna be a sport, and let you choose. Tell me Stanley, you wanna be the Momma or the Poppa?"
Stanley thinks for a while, and says, "I think I wanna be the Poppa"
Bubba - "Fair enough. You the Poppa. Now come over here and suck Momma's dick."
Bubba - "let's play a game Stanley"
Stanley - "uhhhhh - I don't think I want to play any games Bubba"
Bubba - "Stanley, I SAID you and me is GONNA play a game!"
Stanley - "uhhh - OK - what's the game?"
Bubba - "we gonna play a game called "house""
Stanley - "uhhhhh - I don't think I want to play house"
Bubba - "I SAID we gonna play house!"
Stanley - "OK"
Bubba - "now in a house, there's a Momma and a Poppa. Ima gonna be a sport, and let you choose. Tell me Stanley, you wanna be the Momma or the Poppa?"
Stanley thinks for a while, and says, "I think I wanna be the Poppa"
Bubba - "Fair enough. You the Poppa. Now come over here and suck Momma's dick."
09-01-2010, 08:51 AM
#33
Rennlist Member
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay. You'll walk again and everything, but... "Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your **** was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new **** that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops in the kitchen."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new **** that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops in the kitchen."
09-03-2010, 09:13 AM
#38
Advanced
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: ancaster, ontario
Posts: 77
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug".
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
She's such a Bitch.........
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug".
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
She's such a Bitch.........
09-03-2010, 02:39 PM
#39
Rennlist Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 2,457
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as
The whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
Killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
Ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
Pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
Enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
Crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
Were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
Alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
Sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
No... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as
The whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
Killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
Ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
Pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew
Enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
Crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
Were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
Alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
Sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
No... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
09-03-2010, 08:19 PM
#41
Rennlist Member
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no *****, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the ******* - and they are interchangeable.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no *****, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the ******* - and they are interchangeable.
09-04-2010, 10:45 AM
#42
Team Owner
a drunk farmer staggers into his house with his wellie boots on and sheep under his arm .. he walks up to his wife laying back on the couch and says" this is the pig i have been f#@king when you have a headache" ... you MORON says his wife..... that's a sheep
the farmer responds ......
"and who the f@#ck is talking to you !?"
the farmer responds ......
"and who the f@#ck is talking to you !?"
Last edited by theiceman; 09-05-2010 at 10:21 AM.
09-07-2010, 08:38 AM
#43
Rennlist Member
I answered the door to a policeman last night, who said "I'm afraid it looks like your wife has been involved in a serious car accident"
"I know," I replied "but she has a lovely personality"
"I know," I replied "but she has a lovely personality"