Mike in Chi

Holiday Jokes only. All others will be moved to JOTD. Comments not in the Holiday Spirit will be deleted with a Ho-Ho-Ho.

We'll start with a golden oldie:


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-
Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the
cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the cider jug and it broke into hundreds of little glas s pieces all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten
all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree…....

Bull

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those Porsche 4 wheel drive vehicles"?

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Cayenne"?

Veloce Raptor

..

Mike in Chi

Hey Look! One of Martini Mike's Manor Ho's!

Mike said she really had the spirit of giving...

Happy Ho-lidays Mike -- Ho-Ho-Ho

Rick

Here's a top 10 list of things you do NOT want to hear when the relatives are over:

10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your ***** are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph's honker!
7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

Mike in Chi

And a Happy Holidays to those celebrating the feast of lights

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vrd9p47MPHg

pmgoodwin

Check out this link

White Trash Christmas

Mike in Chi

Just received this from Rennlist legend JimBob Jumback:


Shirleenz been on my kase to git the Xmas lites up fer a coupl a weeks.
They ar up now an fer sum reasin she will not talk ta me.
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Mike in Chi

WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute *****.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its *****.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its *****.
6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
4. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Mike in Chi

The Office Party

Guy wakes up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete *** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an *******," John said. "**** on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Veloce Raptor

Awesome!

deep_uv

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells" .

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's"

Veloce Raptor

BWHAHAHAHAAA!!!!

Bonster

Good one, Steve!!!

Bull

I'm sending that one to my ex-wife for Christmas!