gripet

high school wrestler enters state finals against his arch enemy know for the deadly "pretzel hold". Coach says "whatever you do don't get in his "pretzel hold". 30 sec. into the match he carelessly gets into the "pretzel hold". The coach puts his head in his hands expecting the worst. Suddenly, there is a blood curdling scream and the pretzel wrestler is pinned, our boy has won the state wrestling championship. His coach asks what happened. The boy replies, "I was so twisted up I couldn't breath but in a last desparte attempt I reached out and bit these ********* right in front of my nose. Turns out they were mine...

gripet

Night attendant at a nursing home was seen giving the old men hot chocolate and viagra. When questioned she said, "the hot chocolate helps them sleep and the viagra prevents them from falling out of bed and breaking a hip"

gripet

New priest in a new parish gets lost on the way to a graveside ceremony. After arriving hours late the parishoners have all left except for three men filling in the dirt atop the already covered crypt. The young priest asks if they would join him in saying a prayer. They agreed and the priest delivered a brief but heartfelt eulogy at the end of which all the men said "amen" As he left the priest overheard one of the men say, "I never heard anyone say a prayer for a septic tank before"

gripet

A young man overhears a conversation in a bar between an elderly man and his wife of 50 years. She says, "Zeb, do you remember making love to me for the first time out behind this bar when you bent me over the fence?" He said that he did. She said, "Why don't we finish our drinks and get it a whirl for old times sake." Zeb says, "Sure, honey." Well, the yound man sneaks out back to watch and is surprised to see old Zeb drop his drawers, bend Maw over the fence. All of a sudden Zeb and Maw start whooping and hoolering, writhing and spasaming, then drop in a heap after about 30 minutes. When they came to the young man says to zeb, "wow that was something" Zeb says, "well 50 years ago that fence wasn't electrified."

gripet

Young lady gets stopped by a radar cop. He says, "why are you going so fast?" She says, "I'm late for work at the hospital" " Well, what do you do at the hospital?" says the cop. "I am a rectum stretcher" says she. I put both fists into a butt and stretch it until it is six feet." He says, "what do you do with a six foot rectum?" She says, "give it a radar gun!"

gripet

The Lone Ranger is abducted by Commanches and told he has only three days to live. His whispers to his horse Silver and Silver dashes away only to return with a beautiful blonde. The second day he again whispers to Silver and silver returns with a red head. On the third day, the Lone Ranger says to his horse Silver, "dammit, Silver, I said bring the POSSE"

gripet

A young gal tells her virgin boyfriend that she wants him to come over to her house on saturday night for dinner and stay for sex. He is so excited he stops at the drugstore to pick up some condoms. The pharmacist listens to his story and counsels him on the appropriate measures, then wishes him luck. At dinner on Saturday night with the whole family gathered around the dining room table he asks his date if he could say the blessing. She says okay. He prays for a very long time. She leans over and says, "I didn't know that you were so religious." He says, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist"

Bull

The finishing line is "I bit these ********* right in front of my nose, and you would be surprised how much strength you have when you bite yourself in the *****!".

Bull

Is there an echo in here???? "Hey Ringo....you got that damn reverb unit turned up again???".

Bonster

Before posting a dozen jokes in a row, you really should go back through this thread to see that half of what you posted are repeats. Show some respect for the team, man.

Veloce Raptor

Classes for men at our local Learning Center for Adults - Sign-up by
Jan. 31, 2008



NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, each
course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.


TOPIC 1
HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step, with slide presentation.


TOPIC 2
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Round table discussion.


TOPIC 3
IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND
AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB?
Group Practice.


TOPIC 4
FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.


TOPIC 5
THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE
KITCHEN SINK?
Examples on Video.


TOPIC 6
LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE OR ALLOWING OTHERS TO USE IT.
Help line support and support groups.


TOPIC 7
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE
INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.


Open forum.


TOPIC 8
HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
Graphics and audio tape.


TOPIC 9
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonials.


TOPIC 10
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.


TOPIC 11
LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LIVING ALONE OR WITH OTHERS.
Online classes and role playing.


TOPIC 12
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation, exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.


TOPIC 13
HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.


TOPIC 14
CAR KEYS AND OTHER ITEMS:
Practice on developing skills of putting things back where they belong so
that they can be easily found.


Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to any survivors.

-------------------------------



BUMPERS STICKERS FOR LADIES


BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPL E

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES

And last but not least:

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

jester911

My wife did appreciate those.

deep_uv

At the local nursing home, there was a little old man named Fred and a little old lady named Edna who would meet in the TV room every night to watch TV together. At some point along the way Fred asked Edna if she would hold "it" for him. She figured what the heck, the old guy doesn't get much pleasure, so she obliged and would hold "it" for him every night as they sat and watched TV together.

One night Edna arrived in the TV room to find Fred sitting with another little old lady who was holding "it" while they watched TV. Edna was furious and she yelled at Fred, "How can you do this? What does she have that I dont' have?" Fred calmly replied, "Parkinsons".

Bull

THAT is subversive activity!

Bonster

Steve . . . that is just . . . SICK . . . BWAHAHAHAHAHA!