Veloce Raptor

On the daily freak show actors.

Bonster

I hear they have a special style of poker in SF -- queers are wild and straights don't count. I know, you've all probably heard that already, but it still makes me laugh.

TR6

A hunter was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a big black bear. But he was a lousy shot and missed, and before he could aim again, the bear pounced on him. Since it was mating season, and this poor bear hadn't been getting any, his instincts kicked in and he ripped the hunters pants off, bent him over, and and buggered him but good.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, the hunter soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the same black bear. Once again, he raised his rifle to fire, missed, and before he could fire again, the bear pounced on him. Once again, the bear, recognizing an easy target, rips the hunter's pants off, bends him over, and goes to town on him.

Although the hunter survived, it would take several months before he finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the same bear. When he went to fire, his rifle jammed. Of course the bear pinned him down again. This time, before ripping his pants off, the bears says "Admit it, boy, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

trackjunky

Does this qualify VR as a "tools player"?

(couldn't resist )

Veloce Raptor

Six guys are playing poker...

After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.

"Break it to her gently," they all urge.

"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

TR6

A very materialistic woman and her wealthy husband are out to dinner when a young, very beautiful woman smiles and winks at the husband as she walks by. The wife demands "who was that???" The husband calmly replies, "that is my mistress". The wife explodes with rage telling her husband that she wants a divorce. The husband calmly says "Ok, that's fine. But you remember the pre-nuptial agreement you signed. You will have no more trips to Paris to shop for the latest fashions, no more new jewlerly every time you get bored with last month's diamonds, no more luxury cars, no more estate with tennis courts, no more villa on the Italian riviera for summer vacation, no more membership at the club to socialize with the other wives. In fact, I daresay, you'll probably have to get a job."

The wife silently fumes for a few minutes. Then she notices a man sitting at another table with an unidentified, young woman. The wife says, "who is that over there with Joe??? That's certainly not his wife Susan!" The husband responds "oh, that's his mistress".

The wife looks at the young woman again and smugly says "Our mistress is much prettier than theirs."

trackjunky

VR, looking at your sig, I was wondering if you have any room for a new sponsor? The law offices of Dewey, Cheetam & Howe.

trackjunky

A man goes to see a doctor because his wife has complained about his lack of "endowment".
THe man asks the doctor: "Doc is there anything you can do for me? I've tried everything, pills, lotions, the works. I'm desperate."

The doctor responds by telling the man that there is a very risky new procedure that this gentleman may qualify for. It seems that someone has determined that the muscles on an elephants trunk are similar to those on the male *****. The doctor further explains that a simple grafting of some of these cell and resultant muscle can improve his size.

The man immediately signs up for the surgery.

Following the surgery, the doctor tells the man that even though the surgery was a success, he must abstain from all sexual activity for one month. If he doesn't, he could run the risk of irreversibly damaging himself.

To celebrate the one month aniversary of his procedure, the man takes his wife to an elaborate dinner at an upscale restaurant. They begin to chat about what the events of the evening might be like. Both the man and his wife are overcome with excitement and anticipation. The waiter comes by and brings rolls and butter, then lets the two of them get back to talking.

Suddenly, this huge thing appears from under the table in front of the man........grabs a roll.....then goes back under the table. The man has a look of surprise and pain. The wife says "Oh my God! Is that what I think it was?" The man says "I believe it sure was." The wife says "do you think you could do that again?" The man says "I think so, except I don't think that my ******* could take another roll!"

Ba da bump!

paradisenb

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated as she searched.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

deep_uv

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said, "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered ... "Well ... go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ..........tentatively said ...."Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

Larry Herman

President Bush sneaks out of the White House to go to a local bar.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that President Bush sitting at the end of the bar?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's him." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"

Bush says, " I'm planning WW III." **** The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big ****.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big ****? Why kill a blonde with big ****?"

Bush turns to the bartender and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims."

kurt M

Two 40 something ladies are spending the day at the zoo. One falls into the gorilla pit and is savagely stripped of her clothing and raped. she is taken to the hospital and spends days recuperating from her ordeal. The other lady comes to visit and finds that the victim is still all messed up about the event. She is shaking and crying andf moaning. The friend asks what hurts and the victim said "Its been 3 days and he as not called"

Veloce Raptor

Hahahahaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JEC_31

Q: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
















A: Get your drunk-*** off the merry-go-round.

Bull

THE REDHEAD

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
; ;
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? '

'No,' she replies. . . . . .
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'You just happened to catch my eye.'


(Hey! Check the title of this thread!)