Bozo changes his engine oil !
07-15-2003, 06:23 AM
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Bozo changes his engine oil !
Part #2 of Bozo's adventures
Bozo can be weird at times – you wouldn’t notice from the clown nose but that is true… He cannot help but anthropomorphize his faithful steeds… For those who did not go to clown school, that means to ascribe human characterics to objects – like his 993 or his 356. For JimBob, that means he treats dem like livin’thangs…
So Bozo was bothered (repeat 10 times without spitting), not knowing when his faithful but newly acquired steed has last received the sacrament of a nice oil change, the way the Porsche Gods meant it. So even though the DIY said 4 hours for dummies (bozo being a subcategory of dummy) and Mrs bozo was justifiably getting a wee bit tired of seing her husband spend night after night playing with his lift and ruining his best clothes, Bozo decided that the oil had to go, NOW, or he would not sleep…
He got a few extra quarts of Mobil 1 and a triangular filter removal tool that looks like it came out of a horror scifi movie, and went to work, armed with Robin’s Site DIY and Ray Calvo’s addendum…
He came home to find a blue/green puddle of swepco 201 under the 356 however, not the most auspicious start. Swepco is said to creep up every crevace and orifice it can find, making it the lubricant of choice… for old transmission, you perverts… The 356 being stored on the lift gave the rear axle a tilted angled that the best axle boot did not stand a chance again. Hmm... gonna have to store it differently…
Now Bozo being bozo, even after reading the instructions twice and memorizing the pretty pictures, he wasn’t entirely sure where those drain plugs were located! Bozo comes from a simpler world where cars have ONE drain plug located in the middle of the crank case, like on his 356 or Mrs Bozo’s Land Rover (for which the oil can be replaced in under 5 minutes flat, filter and shower included). They also look very much liek drain plugs, not your garden variety circus bolt.
Bozo therefore spent the better part of 30 minutes under his car doing quizical clown eyebrows for the benefit of the surrounding kids. He looked and looked for the offending plugs to no avail. There were at least 3 candidates for the crankcase plug, because some of them look just like the tranny drain plugs (allen bolt), and no oil tank to be found… hmm… Logic eventually prevailed as Bozo decided to follow the oil filler pipe to its logical conclusion, the thingie looking like a tank, sitting over the long filter… Ahhh, ohhh, ohh ohh said the chimpanzees in a nearby cage, that be the Oil tank. All of a sudden, the part where it vaguely says “you need to remove the side rocker trim” suddenly made sense. You DO need to remove the side rocker trim to see the offending plug! Just like it said in the DIY… Well, Bozo will put it in red next time. If it’s too obvious or written in the middle of a paragraph, it’s as good as invisible to Bozo !
Bozo positioned his oil pan and loosened the bolt, observing for the first time a gushing of oil of cataclysmic proportion, a bit like the one caused by the sinking of the island of Thera, inspiring accounts of biblical floods in pretty much all religious faiths around the mediterranean (that should exclude buddhists but boz isn't sure)! Yes, that cataclysmic! Except that Bozo’s oil pan was no flood plain, and he started to seriously worry whether this was ever gonna stop or what, before overflowing his pan! The whole thought process took 2 seconds, one more than it took for the tank to empty its vast contents from that small orifice ! Wow! Even Dumbo's (the circus elephant) meteoric diarrhea cannot compare to this rate of flow! Thankfully, not a drop outside the bucket this time - If only dumbo could learn that trick!
Now what bozo wants to know is why such a small orifice is capable of expelling so much oil in such a short time, while the oil filler tube, which is much wider and with a deeper throat will gag whenever you pour more than a trickle at a time! The engineer in charge of that, and the one who decided to locate the tank plug under a rocker trim (same guy?), should be made to visit the male gorilla’s cage when they are in heat and explain to them that, really, he’s not in the mood tonight, ‘cause he has a headache.. Seriously !
Anyway, Bozo removed the long filter with his funny remover tool, which looks more fit to rip the heart from the chest of an aztec sacrifice victim than be used on an oil filter, but there ya go, it worked spendidly. New one went in hand tight, though Bozo’s got to wonder what hand tight means when you are covered in oil and your hand is sliding around the filter… So he tightened some more with rags and left the rocker panel off to observe leaks, because he is pessimistic by nature…
Then came the crankcase bolt. Bozo finally narrowed it down to one suspect by positioning the photo upside down and 180 degrees opposite. It also helped that it was the only 15mm bolt around. Thankfully neither plug had been overly tightened, and more oil came out, though thankfully not as strongly as before… That done, Bozo removed the pink rubber pipe thingie, not a very manly color for the underside of a Porsche in his opinion, and looked around.. he was definitely not confident about the oil return tube. He figured he’s try to do without touching it. The top filter came off relatively easily and gushed some more on bozo’s head. The filter dropped and was stopped from crushing bozo’s clown nose by the sway bar and suspension parts. A new one was inserted and hand tightened again, kinda hard to gauge hand tight when you have so little room and your hands are still Ky jelly like greasy, but what’s a clown to do…
The crankcase bolt went back on, and Bozo found out his newly acquired torque wrench did not fit there (so forget about torque specs), plus it too was now covered in oil (and not returnable), and to top it all off upon subsequent inspection it’s not even strong enough to do the motor mounts, ergo totally useless ! Great, $29 out the window...
Bozo, pretty pleased with himslef by now, proceeded to refill via the aforementioned small throat, with the occasional burps coming back out, thankfully caught by a lip in the body and quickly sponged off… The filler extension was totally desintegrated so Bozo removed it altogether.. Still burps the same in case you wondered.. All in all well under 2h, including 30m of looking for stuff....
Being pretty proud of himself, Bozo went for a spin toc heck on things and paid the price for hubris: he’d put too much oil! Should know better, really, too little is better than too much when you have over 10 qts at your disposal… %$#%$!!
Bozo does not ever want to blow a seal, besides there are no seals in the circus, just sea-otters… it had to come out!
Bozo turned back home and was too lazy to put the 993 back on the
lift: He put on his trusty pirelli gloves and undid the crankcase bolt once again in the hope of dropping just a trickle of extra oil. Ha! That’s where the bozoification takes place, as bozo had forgotten that he had just brought the oil up to temperature for an accurate measurement. Well, that he knew, but not “how hot” exactly and he assumed the gloves would be fine… No siree. It gushed hot, scalding bozo’s hand through the gloves, which were discarded faster than J-Lo’s last husband. @##$@#$... The clown skin is pretty amazing though, as it seems it'll take burning temperature without damage as long as the exposure lasts under 2 seconds!
A scalded Bozo moved the car to clean up the minor spill cause by yanking his hand real quick and staining his nice clothes, and managed to block the pan under the car. Now in full bozo mode, he pulled on the pan until it came free, causing yet another spill, this one closer to biblical in proportions! $%$%#$% again ! Mind you that was not totally useless, as was what came out the 2nd time was still dirtier than what came in, probably the contents from the oil return tube not removed by bozo who did not want to tempt fate !
Finally the level read about right after re-adding a little oil, the filters did not show any evidence of leaks other than the splash damage that had just occured, everything looked copacetic except that the underside of the exhaust was now covered in oil from the pan incident! The rocker cover and rear wheel fender panel came back on. Add another hour to Bozo’s otherwise respectable time, for being a dumbass !
Moral of the story, add 8 qts, go for a spin and then and only then decide if it needs more. This car has enough oil to survive when low!
Today, Bozo took the car to work and noticed he re-added too much oil AGAIN! I tell you, bozo’s good! The oil tank level reads 2/3 full at normal operating temps, and up to 3/4s when the car is as hot as it’ll be. Unless otherwise indicated by non-bozos on this board, it will have to do (it’s not pegged at least), that used to be 1 month worth of oil burning on Bozo’s previous 911 but this one does not seem to burn anything!
Well, tranny and engine oil down, misc stuff like pollen filters, ballast resistors and hood shocks replaced, now Bozo just has to do the plugs to empty the contents of his maintenance kit. Will he on won’t he strip one! That could be expensive, so it might be a job for the dealer, hmmm...
Bozo can be weird at times – you wouldn’t notice from the clown nose but that is true… He cannot help but anthropomorphize his faithful steeds… For those who did not go to clown school, that means to ascribe human characterics to objects – like his 993 or his 356. For JimBob, that means he treats dem like livin’thangs…
So Bozo was bothered (repeat 10 times without spitting), not knowing when his faithful but newly acquired steed has last received the sacrament of a nice oil change, the way the Porsche Gods meant it. So even though the DIY said 4 hours for dummies (bozo being a subcategory of dummy) and Mrs bozo was justifiably getting a wee bit tired of seing her husband spend night after night playing with his lift and ruining his best clothes, Bozo decided that the oil had to go, NOW, or he would not sleep…
He got a few extra quarts of Mobil 1 and a triangular filter removal tool that looks like it came out of a horror scifi movie, and went to work, armed with Robin’s Site DIY and Ray Calvo’s addendum…
He came home to find a blue/green puddle of swepco 201 under the 356 however, not the most auspicious start. Swepco is said to creep up every crevace and orifice it can find, making it the lubricant of choice… for old transmission, you perverts… The 356 being stored on the lift gave the rear axle a tilted angled that the best axle boot did not stand a chance again. Hmm... gonna have to store it differently…
Now Bozo being bozo, even after reading the instructions twice and memorizing the pretty pictures, he wasn’t entirely sure where those drain plugs were located! Bozo comes from a simpler world where cars have ONE drain plug located in the middle of the crank case, like on his 356 or Mrs Bozo’s Land Rover (for which the oil can be replaced in under 5 minutes flat, filter and shower included). They also look very much liek drain plugs, not your garden variety circus bolt.
Bozo therefore spent the better part of 30 minutes under his car doing quizical clown eyebrows for the benefit of the surrounding kids. He looked and looked for the offending plugs to no avail. There were at least 3 candidates for the crankcase plug, because some of them look just like the tranny drain plugs (allen bolt), and no oil tank to be found… hmm… Logic eventually prevailed as Bozo decided to follow the oil filler pipe to its logical conclusion, the thingie looking like a tank, sitting over the long filter… Ahhh, ohhh, ohh ohh said the chimpanzees in a nearby cage, that be the Oil tank. All of a sudden, the part where it vaguely says “you need to remove the side rocker trim” suddenly made sense. You DO need to remove the side rocker trim to see the offending plug! Just like it said in the DIY… Well, Bozo will put it in red next time. If it’s too obvious or written in the middle of a paragraph, it’s as good as invisible to Bozo !
Bozo positioned his oil pan and loosened the bolt, observing for the first time a gushing of oil of cataclysmic proportion, a bit like the one caused by the sinking of the island of Thera, inspiring accounts of biblical floods in pretty much all religious faiths around the mediterranean (that should exclude buddhists but boz isn't sure)! Yes, that cataclysmic! Except that Bozo’s oil pan was no flood plain, and he started to seriously worry whether this was ever gonna stop or what, before overflowing his pan! The whole thought process took 2 seconds, one more than it took for the tank to empty its vast contents from that small orifice ! Wow! Even Dumbo's (the circus elephant) meteoric diarrhea cannot compare to this rate of flow! Thankfully, not a drop outside the bucket this time - If only dumbo could learn that trick!
Now what bozo wants to know is why such a small orifice is capable of expelling so much oil in such a short time, while the oil filler tube, which is much wider and with a deeper throat will gag whenever you pour more than a trickle at a time! The engineer in charge of that, and the one who decided to locate the tank plug under a rocker trim (same guy?), should be made to visit the male gorilla’s cage when they are in heat and explain to them that, really, he’s not in the mood tonight, ‘cause he has a headache.. Seriously !
Anyway, Bozo removed the long filter with his funny remover tool, which looks more fit to rip the heart from the chest of an aztec sacrifice victim than be used on an oil filter, but there ya go, it worked spendidly. New one went in hand tight, though Bozo’s got to wonder what hand tight means when you are covered in oil and your hand is sliding around the filter… So he tightened some more with rags and left the rocker panel off to observe leaks, because he is pessimistic by nature…
Then came the crankcase bolt. Bozo finally narrowed it down to one suspect by positioning the photo upside down and 180 degrees opposite. It also helped that it was the only 15mm bolt around. Thankfully neither plug had been overly tightened, and more oil came out, though thankfully not as strongly as before… That done, Bozo removed the pink rubber pipe thingie, not a very manly color for the underside of a Porsche in his opinion, and looked around.. he was definitely not confident about the oil return tube. He figured he’s try to do without touching it. The top filter came off relatively easily and gushed some more on bozo’s head. The filter dropped and was stopped from crushing bozo’s clown nose by the sway bar and suspension parts. A new one was inserted and hand tightened again, kinda hard to gauge hand tight when you have so little room and your hands are still Ky jelly like greasy, but what’s a clown to do…
The crankcase bolt went back on, and Bozo found out his newly acquired torque wrench did not fit there (so forget about torque specs), plus it too was now covered in oil (and not returnable), and to top it all off upon subsequent inspection it’s not even strong enough to do the motor mounts, ergo totally useless ! Great, $29 out the window...
Bozo, pretty pleased with himslef by now, proceeded to refill via the aforementioned small throat, with the occasional burps coming back out, thankfully caught by a lip in the body and quickly sponged off… The filler extension was totally desintegrated so Bozo removed it altogether.. Still burps the same in case you wondered.. All in all well under 2h, including 30m of looking for stuff....
Being pretty proud of himself, Bozo went for a spin toc heck on things and paid the price for hubris: he’d put too much oil! Should know better, really, too little is better than too much when you have over 10 qts at your disposal… %$#%$!!
Bozo does not ever want to blow a seal, besides there are no seals in the circus, just sea-otters… it had to come out!
Bozo turned back home and was too lazy to put the 993 back on the
lift: He put on his trusty pirelli gloves and undid the crankcase bolt once again in the hope of dropping just a trickle of extra oil. Ha! That’s where the bozoification takes place, as bozo had forgotten that he had just brought the oil up to temperature for an accurate measurement. Well, that he knew, but not “how hot” exactly and he assumed the gloves would be fine… No siree. It gushed hot, scalding bozo’s hand through the gloves, which were discarded faster than J-Lo’s last husband. @##$@#$... The clown skin is pretty amazing though, as it seems it'll take burning temperature without damage as long as the exposure lasts under 2 seconds!
A scalded Bozo moved the car to clean up the minor spill cause by yanking his hand real quick and staining his nice clothes, and managed to block the pan under the car. Now in full bozo mode, he pulled on the pan until it came free, causing yet another spill, this one closer to biblical in proportions! $%$%#$% again ! Mind you that was not totally useless, as was what came out the 2nd time was still dirtier than what came in, probably the contents from the oil return tube not removed by bozo who did not want to tempt fate !
Finally the level read about right after re-adding a little oil, the filters did not show any evidence of leaks other than the splash damage that had just occured, everything looked copacetic except that the underside of the exhaust was now covered in oil from the pan incident! The rocker cover and rear wheel fender panel came back on. Add another hour to Bozo’s otherwise respectable time, for being a dumbass !
Moral of the story, add 8 qts, go for a spin and then and only then decide if it needs more. This car has enough oil to survive when low!
Today, Bozo took the car to work and noticed he re-added too much oil AGAIN! I tell you, bozo’s good! The oil tank level reads 2/3 full at normal operating temps, and up to 3/4s when the car is as hot as it’ll be. Unless otherwise indicated by non-bozos on this board, it will have to do (it’s not pegged at least), that used to be 1 month worth of oil burning on Bozo’s previous 911 but this one does not seem to burn anything!
Well, tranny and engine oil down, misc stuff like pollen filters, ballast resistors and hood shocks replaced, now Bozo just has to do the plugs to empty the contents of his maintenance kit. Will he on won’t he strip one! That could be expensive, so it might be a job for the dealer, hmmm...
07-15-2003, 09:00 AM
#2
Nordschleife Master
Greg,
Hall of fame writing. Is it possible that you are not a member of "Hey, Wait For Me" Racing? (HWFMR). If the team doesn't already have a chief mechanic, I just don't see how we can find a better one than you. Please submit you application tody. I can't wait to read it!
Hall of fame writing. Is it possible that you are not a member of "Hey, Wait For Me" Racing? (HWFMR). If the team doesn't already have a chief mechanic, I just don't see how we can find a better one than you. Please submit you application tody. I can't wait to read it!
07-15-2003, 09:08 AM
#3
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I'd love to join, I love the motto about hitting apexes ;-) But you want me to write an application after this huge post ? Have mercy on my poor fingers !
Bozo, chief mechanic? Hmmm.... Who do I pester for this ?
Bozo, chief mechanic? Hmmm.... Who do I pester for this ?
07-15-2003, 09:17 AM
#4
Nordschleife Master
Greg,
The other motto which really strikes home is "slow in, slow out, slow down the straights". Words to live by.
The proper way to submit a HWFMR application is to start a thread with that title. Most folks need to include a really humiliating stunt they've pulled, but, honestly, you're there and back. The way to ensure your acceptance into this esteemed group is to send a couple of beers over to the Official AARP Representative for HWFMR.
The other motto which really strikes home is "slow in, slow out, slow down the straights". Words to live by.
The proper way to submit a HWFMR application is to start a thread with that title. Most folks need to include a really humiliating stunt they've pulled, but, honestly, you're there and back. The way to ensure your acceptance into this esteemed group is to send a couple of beers over to the Official AARP Representative for HWFMR.
07-15-2003, 09:35 AM
#5
Three Wheelin'
Great write up Greg! (I did a similar write up on a Triumph BBS several years ago when changing my oil in my loft living room, long story)
HWFM has a chief Mech. Doug Crossman but I think we could find something else for you! I am sure Mike will stumble across this thread in no time.
HWFM has a chief Mech. Doug Crossman but I think we could find something else for you! I am sure Mike will stumble across this thread in no time.
07-15-2003, 12:49 PM
#6
Rennlist Member
Greg,
Nice piece of writing.
I believe you can now start your own Bozo 993 club! Reading your two stories reminds me of the way I do things!!! So, I think I would be a qualified candidate to be a Bozo, as well.
Rich
Nice piece of writing.
I believe you can now start your own Bozo 993 club! Reading your two stories reminds me of the way I do things!!! So, I think I would be a qualified candidate to be a Bozo, as well.
Rich
Last edited by 911; 07-15-2003 at 01:01 PM.
07-15-2003, 07:03 PM
#7
Nordschleife Master
Greg,
You'll find that HWFMR team members are very protective of their team titles, so you'll have to be creative and come up with something else. Maybe something to do with DIY articles, as you are da man. BTW, I'm still waiting for those beers.
You'll find that HWFMR team members are very protective of their team titles, so you'll have to be creative and come up with something else. Maybe something to do with DIY articles, as you are da man. BTW, I'm still waiting for those beers.
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07-15-2003, 09:48 PM
#8
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Greg, Errr Bozo, thanks for the insightful overview on the oil change process. Having also recently acquired my own faithful steed, two weeks ago, I too have been wondering about the my oil. In my case, I know that the oil was changed in Sept 2002 and has 2K miles on it since that change. However - change the oil - it was changed with Syntec and I'm a Mobil 1 junkie so now - change the oil - I'm trying to decide if I need to change the oil; not because it necessarily NEEDS it - change the oil - but because it's the WRONG oil, at least - change the oil - that's what that funny little voice in my head is telling me - change the SHUT UP!!! - uh umm sorry about that.
I was going to take it to the dealer to have them change the oil - SHUT uhh never mind - but your courageous example of overcoming a serious handicap, Bozoitus Extremus, has given me the fortitude and confidence to take on this challenge as well and overcome my handicap of being born with two left hands - which is really tough since I'm right handed. So I'm off to Sears to buy some left handed tools...
I was going to take it to the dealer to have them change the oil - SHUT uhh never mind - but your courageous example of overcoming a serious handicap, Bozoitus Extremus, has given me the fortitude and confidence to take on this challenge as well and overcome my handicap of being born with two left hands - which is really tough since I'm right handed. So I'm off to Sears to buy some left handed tools...
Last edited by Scott K 993; 07-15-2003 at 10:16 PM.
07-15-2003, 10:29 PM
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Greg, I laughed until I cried and then I could not stop laughing which made it really difficult to read the entire post, my vision would blurr from the tears of laughter and then I would lose my place and reread parts that I had already read and start the laughing/crying cycle all over again.
Great post, when it comes to my 993, I'll leave oil changes to the Bozos at the dealership.
Great post, when it comes to my 993, I'll leave oil changes to the Bozos at the dealership.
07-16-2003, 05:55 AM
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Well, bozo is glad he has inspired other "2 left hands" clowns to go where no clown has gone before! (under the car, that is) He recommends you get lots of shop rags to clean up the upcoming mess! As for a bozo club, who'd want a membership, really? Isn't our goal to overcome our bozoed condition and become right handed experts? Nah..... More fun bozo's way !
n time, I can see a webpage of bozoified versions of the excellent DIY's on robins's page ;-) Not very useful for working on the cars, just good for a laugh - humor is just as important as a wel working 993...
Thanks for the kind words !
n time, I can see a webpage of bozoified versions of the excellent DIY's on robins's page ;-) Not very useful for working on the cars, just good for a laugh - humor is just as important as a wel working 993...
Thanks for the kind words !