Nemick42

To Whom It may Concern,

After due diligence and research, I respectfully submit my application for membership to Hey Wait For Me Racing.

I have looked at the roster and found that one of the most crucial of all Team roles has not been filled. I believe that I am emminently qualified to apply for the position of Team Poseur! In keeping with the apparent lack of driving talent within the Team, I can cofess that I am slow. I have been told that I could not drive a soapy stick up a dog's ***, so I think that should help with my application.

In addition, I have no real knowledge of Motor Racing, but I do know a few buzz words that I can blithley toss around at Poseur get-togethers, while stunning the gathered masses with stories of near disasters and great feats of inhuman prowess.

It has been my experience, that NO Team can really claim to be such, until it has a fully qualified Poseur. Who else will have the time to bring to the attention of other Team members the latest bling-bling "must have" or the proximity of good looking members of the opposite sex, while looking ridiculously good in chamois leather pants and string back driving gloves????? Also, I am a born masochist as may be witnessed by my ownership of 2 Lotus'.

In closing, I ask for the approval and support of all Team members, for which I will happily provide a virtual keg of your favorite brew to each....... as long as its cheap.

Thank you for your consideration

STLPCA

Hey Mike
Forget all the rhetoric - Neil is from Indy - that could be important when we gather for the F1. I wonder if he'll mind a bunch of guys dropping by late Sat rather than hanging in the Wingate lobby? Given the history of Indy racing & Lotus, maybe he's connected since he's got 2 Loti At the least, that alone deserves some sympathy. Suppose he can get us into the Paddock Club ... just for some lobster? Looks promising ... unless he really is just a poseur

Even so, it would be good to have a local bathroom we can all use during the weekend.
My vote ...

Nemick42

Well, I can't get you into the Paddock Club, but I can tell you stories of my famous visits to it in the past!! Does that count?

STLPCA

... and Mike, while we're on HWFMR members, I'd like to nominate Mick from Springfield. If you can remember (concentrate), you gave him a hat last year at the F1. Mick wore it proudly all weekend, as did I (my hat, not his), at our recent PCA DE at Gateway. So, as a result of your act of benevolence a number of people already think Mick's a member, although a much larger number think he and I are partners in a family turtle farming business.

This was Mick's first DE and he did well in his novice group which is to say he was sloooow. Indeed, I tried to get a lap time at turn 5, but after 1:30.0 I figured he'd pitted, stopped my watch, and began to walk to the garage when there he was touring through the esses. I think it's important to get new members before others teach them how to be fast.

However, all that's window dressing. The real point is that Mick is a banker. But not just any banker, he's an Illinois banker. I don't believe HWFMR has a Team Banker, but it'll surely need one if you keep breaking your car. In addition, a strong banking affiliation will add to our credibility when we announce our F1 team. I spoke to Mick about a $250,000,000 loan to fund our first year and he's thinking about it. That and an engine deal with Daewoo, together w/the HWFR stable of drivers and crew, and we'll be all set.

Let's see - lobster & champagne or ... stories - that'll be a tough one for Mike.

ca993twin

Neil,

Anybody who can work the phrase "drive a soapy stick up a dog's ***" into a membership application; even a HWFMR membership application, has my respect and possibly my vote. I'll be watching my email for the requisite beer.

Mike in Chi

HMMM

Very busy on the membership front...

Neil
Unfortunately, we don't want any poseurs on the team. While we pursue our passion for motorsports rather slowly, it is none the less genuine.

But that does not mean you are unfit for membership.

You do have two english sports cars, in addition to a 993. If you delved deeply into the team by laws in your research, you know the clause the grants anyone who has two p-cars immediate membership (providing they don't embarrass us or do anything to get us sued.) With two Loti, in addition to a 993, you may qualify. Is a Lotus Esprit half the car a 993 is? One plus two halves would make two.

There are other roles that have not been filled on the team. Since you have tried to "drive a soapy stick up a dog's ***", you could be our team's P.E.T.A. representative. Since we are often in danger of being run over on many tracks, that would make us turtles an endangered species, and require the help of P.E.T.A.

While we are deliberating, please tell us more of those visits to the Paddock Club.

Dan

Money does grease the application process. I knew Mick from Springfield was a strong candidate, even before the possibility of $250MM. That's terrific news about the Daewoo engine deal. Great work (as always) I had been working on Briggs & Stratton, but with the engineering might of Daewoo behind us, we're sure to give Minardi a run for their lira.

You say Mick's not just any banker, but an Illinois banker. Can we trust him? (But we'll worry about that after the $250,000,000 check clears.)

Nemick42

Mike in Chi,

I understand the Team not wanting an official Poseur, but I was so looking forward to somehow legitimizing my years of practice. That said however, I think the Loti and the 993 qualify me for the position of PETA representative.

I would be happy to regale you with many stories of my famous visits to the Paddock Club, but a financial agreement between Bernie and me rather puts me in an awkward spot there.

No doubt you want to know the truth behind the much rumoured "Bernie and the Bratwurst" incident. I can't go into it on this open forum, but rest assured that Schuey was only kidding and they weren't fish net stockings anyway.

Then again, perhaps you would be more interested in the "Max and the Midget" story? This one is unfortunately quite true, but it was just a height challenged person, not a midget.

Of course there was the "Ron and the Ronettes" fiasco, but once the Mercedes deal was done, everyone and their Midget wanted to sweep that one under the table. It is true that I have often been invited to speak to the Rich & Famous while Bernie was personally checking credentials and ticket sales, but then again, how much Lobster and Champagne can one man consume?? I mean, you know, you've been the life of the party at one Grand Prix Paddock Club and you've been the life of the party at them all.

I really had to draw the line though when Bernie insisted on calling me for advice on the rules and regulations. "Bernie", I said, "To be honest, I think it would be of enormous benefit to everyone if you could find a way for Michael to win every race. That way, instead of all the guests having to be disturbed from their revelry, they can stuff themselves with Lobster and Champagne and still know the outcome of the race"

I like to think that the last few years have shown that he appreciates and trusts my input. Despite the untimely decimation of the planets Lobster population, things have worked out rather well, even if I do say so myself.

However, in view of my possibly becoming the new HWFMR PETA Representative, I shall be calling Bernie tonight to discuss alternatives to Lobster, perhaps we could throw in a bit of Cod and Chips now and then.

Anyway, I have rambled long enough and eagerly await your decision. Just ask yourself this, do you want to be allowed access to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway this year???????? I don't want to call in any favours with the BernMeister, if you get my drift?

swftiii

With that kind of dedication and effort (application and rebuttal), I think Nemick42/Neil would make a good team addition. Therefore I will cast my vote to accept the application and get him moving on saving our slow, endangered, green asses on the tracks of america.

Viva the Turtles...

-Skip

David in LA

Really? I wasn't aware of this But then again, my inability to compose a decent haiku is probably a big negative

STLPCA

So true grasshopper
but do not fear expulsion
once in never out

RJT

Mike...

So if you have three or more P-Cars does that grant "Lifetime Membership" in the HWFM race team???

JoAnne
1955 356 Continental Coupe Outlaw
1965 356 C Euro Coupe
2004 Cayenne S

Gone but not forgotten:
1997 993 C2S
2001 Boxster
85 1/2 944
1974 911
1970 914/6
1966 911
Whew.................

ca993twin

JoAnne.

Three or more p-cars grants you a bin in the loony asylum. Where, by the way, you can hang out with most of the rest of the team.

Speaking of "lifetime memberships", I just read through the member's handbook, and there doesn't seem to be any limitation on the length of the membership: once granted, you can't get out. Unless, of course, you manage to get HWFMR sued, in which case all records of you ever having been a member will be mysteriously erased. Dan... is this correct?

Mike in Chi

Neil

An excellent follow-up, full of insight into the Formula One circus. And after reading that story of clowns and midgets, I can see why it is called a circus.

Plus, many of us have had English sportscars in our past, so we are sympatico to your plight.

Welcome to the team, PETA Rep. (Note to other teammates: do not bring your dogs to the paddock when Neil is around)

And Neal, I already have my tickets for the Grand Prix this year.

David
Do you have two p-cars?

Joanne
What Steve the Old Fart said.

We do indeed cleanse our membership files regularly. Dan taught us that. And sorry that the team has been so well-behaved lately. It must be very frustrating for the Mother Superior.

mick

Dan, thanks for the nomination and Mike, "Your check is in the mail."

mick

One more thing Mike before you consider my nomination; in keeping with the tradition of the HWFM team, that check will probably be slow in arriving. Mick