Bird Kills Two Cars With One Crap
BOSTON, MA—A bird completely destroyed two cars and hospitalized a Boston man earlier today by experiencing a rather massive bowel movement well flying over neighborhood traffic. No witnesses were present to describe the bird to authorities, but local sheriff Ralph Moore told reporters that the bird was definitely massive in size. “I've seen elephants at the zoo that don't take a crap that size,” Moore said. “If this thing were still flying around I'm pretty sire someone would notice it. I wouldn't be surprised if it were a god damn pterodactyl that shat on these peoples windows.”

No one is fully certain of exactly what transpired at the scene of the accident but the police believe they have made a fairly accurate timeline of the events that occurred. Police believe that the two vehicles involved, a BMW and a Honda, were driving on Marilyn Avenue in opposite directions when the mysterious bird in question ejected its excrement over a power line on the side of the road. It is believed that the mass of crap hit the power line splitting it into two smaller parts and that each part landed on the driver's side windshield of both vehicles causing the drivers to panic and swerve into each other.

Jim Maxwell, 64, was the driver of the BMW who is now in critical condition suffering a serious head trauma during the accident. After tests were run, doctors discovered that Maxwell did not suffer any hemorrhaging and should be released in a few weeks. Maxwell's wife, Jane told reporters that Jim was on his way home from an Elks Club meeting when the accident occurred. Mrs. Maxwell wished a long and painful death to the bird that caused her husband's accident on a local news station interview.


Above: The two crap splattered cars that were involved in a freak accident earlier today. Investigators believe it to be the work of a giant bird of some kind.

People everywhere have begun the hunt for this freak bird-like creature, fearing future accidents. Area Boston resident Herman Tacket was questioned about the bird-hunt when seen patrolling the neighborhood parallel to the morning's accident with shotgun in hand. “Someone needs to stop this bird before it claims more lives,” Tacket exclaimed. “I'm not going to just sit around and watch my family members die from giant bird attacks, I don't care what you say, I'm taking that thing down.” Tacket then wielded his shotgun in the air and hooted. “Sure, I know, **** happens. But how long are we going to stand around and just let **** happen before we decide to do something about it,” Tacket added.

Lisa Smith, the driver of the Honda involved in the incident, was left unharmed but a bit shaken by the day's events. “I have never been in an accident in my life,” Smith said, “and I don't want to be in one ever again, especially one like that.” Smith went on to describe the accident: “All I remember was driving down the street and seeing a large shadow being cast over my car. I thought it was a cloud at first but I specifically remember not seeing any when I stepped outside. Then before I had a chance to see what it was, SPLAT! My windshield was covered in bird crap. I didn't know what it was at first. I thought I hit something. I took my hands of the wheel and started screaming, that's when I ran into Mr. Maxwell. I hope to God that he is ok.”

A sample of the excrement was taken from the scene of the accident for analysis in hopes to discover more information about the species of bird that is believed to have caused the accident. So far, experts have determined that the material in question is indeed bird poop, and it does appear to be from a single bird. Although no tests have been finalized, on first glance fecal analyst Josh York told reporters, “This looks just like pigeon poop.” Several leading scientists who specialize in bird studies have been called in to partake in the study.