jimculp

I like eggs.

LiveNupe

This is read-ick-U-lis

fork_included

how about people just tell jokes, that way this thread isnt totaly worthless


here is a duck joke:

a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer,
the bartender tells the duck "you're a duck, get the hell out of here"

next day the duck comes back and asks the bartender for a beer
bartender goes: "i told you before, i cant give you beer, your a duck, now get out of here"

third day duck comes back and asks for a beer
bartender goes "listen duck, if you come back in here one more time i'm going to nail you beak to the freaking table, you got that?"

fourth day, duck comes back, asks the bartneder "got any nails?"
bartender replies "no"
duck goes "can i have a beer?"

Veloce Raptor

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
> girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
> middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
> take her eyes off him.
>
> The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
> directly toward her. (As men will.)
>
> Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned
> over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
> that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one
> condition."
>
> Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
>
> The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
> three words."
>
> The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
> removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
> hand along with her address.
>
> She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
> said.........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Clean my house."

Veloce Raptor

5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
>>
>>Lesson 1:
>>A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
>>shower, when the doorbell
>>
>>rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
>>When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
>>
>>Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
>>towel, "
>>
>>After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
>>in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
>>The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
>>gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
>>
>>"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
>>
>>"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
>>me?"
>>
>>Moral of the story:
>>If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
>>your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
>>exposure.
>>
>>Lesson 2:
>>A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
>>her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
>>controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
>>
>>The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
>>But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
>>
>>The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
>>
>>The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
>>
>>Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
>>
>>On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129
>>
>>It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
>>
>>Moral of the story:
>>If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
>>opportunity.
>>
>>Lesson 3:
>>A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
>>lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
>>out.
>>
>>The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
>>
>>"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
>>Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
>>
>>Puff! She's gone.
>>
>>"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
>>relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
>>Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
>>
>>Puff! He's gone.
>>
>>"OK, you're up," the Genie says
>>
>>to the manager.
>>
>>The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
>>
>>Moral of the story:
>>Always let your boss have the first say.
>>
>>Lesson 4
>>An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
>>saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
>>
>>The eagle answered: " Sure , why not."
>>
>>So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
>>
>>All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>>
>>Moral of the story:
>>To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
>>
>>Lesson 5
>>A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
>>the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
>>energy."
>>
>>"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
>>"They're packed with nutrients."
>>
>>The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
>>enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
>>after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after
>>a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
>>
>>He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
>>
>>Moral of the story:
>>Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
>>
>>Lesson 6
>>A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
>>froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
>>there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
>>
>>As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
>>realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
>>there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
>>
>>A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
>>the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
>>promptly dug him out and ate him.
>>
>>Morals of the story:
>>(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
>>(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
>>
>>friend.
>>(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
>>
>>THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
>>
>>
>>

kurt M

Fatherhood. His first salvo, fired at my chest with little warning, was a kill shot so second third and forth loads were harmlessly expended into his lap. No I am not getting any ad money from TPC but a new shirt would be nice.

Ray S

IBTL

sjanes

Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

jester911

Uno mas

TR6

Thanks for sharing such a special moment. Well, I'm off to lunch now...

Astro0boy

Duck walks into a drugstore
Asks the clerk for a tube of Chapstick.
The clerk asks, will this be cash?
Duck says, "Nah, just put it on my bill."

12 pages, at least. I predict at least 12 pages.

MJSpeed

Having kids of my own, I know the feeling, just didn't want to see that!!

ceboyd

lol you guys are HORRIBLE :P

DaveM993

burp...

kurt M

My work is done here.


This will learn ya. Never ask for a delete. Do it yourself and if you can't, edit it into a short, easy and kinda dull question so it will die on its own. Best place to get tie down straps or the like.