Larry Herman

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes
in, and he waits outside.

A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.

"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.

The hooker swears at him and walks away.
A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As
they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man
and his wife and says, "HA! see what you get for five bucks?"

Bonster

I was on a plane for most of yesterday, and by the time I got home, I didn't feel like checking anything on the Net or my email. Now that I have reviewed the past page of posts, I wish I had looked sooner. You guys crack me up.

Yeah, it was an awful joke -- but that part was on purpose. I honestly don't remember ever hearing it before, and glad that I have led such a sheltered life. Leave it to John to tell it, lol. Warning -- he's told me far worse jokes. I have just been kind enough not to remember them long enough to post them.

deep_uv

Two fisherman were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure.
While rummaging through the boats provisions one of the men came across
an old lamp.
Secretly hoping a genie would appear he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of the castaways a genie came forth. This particular genie,
however, stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought one of the men blurted out, "make the entire
ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of the beer on the hull broke the stillness as
the men considered their circumstances. One of the men looked disgustedly at
the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long tension filled moment he spoke, "nice going idiot, now we're
going to have to **** in the boat!"

JEC_31

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's ********* and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's *********, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'.

Bull

sbelles

Ed was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife was really, really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 Seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and there was a brand new Bathroom Scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

jester911

deep_uv

A man was in a long line at Walmart.
As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so
he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't
know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed
hold of him and called over the intercom,
'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was
interesting, and like most of us, was up
for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he
told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked
if she could have some brought to the
register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated
that he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up
the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage
boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type
of sexual contact with a live female, so
he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the
checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said
he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and said...

'Cleanup, Register 5'

JEC_31

I was a little late to work this AM as I rear-ended a car. So, there I was alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . Well, you know how, sometimes, you just get so stressed and life all of a sudden seems to get funny .

I could NOT believe it . . . the driver was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"


So, I looked down at him and said, "Well........which one are you then?"

. . . and that's when the fight started . . ...