Joke of the Day
08-05-2007, 09:05 PM
#46
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Originally Posted by trackjunky
OH, I re-read the post and apparently he wan't to "smoke" Sunday Drivers "Pole" quite badly.
I'm planning to go for the sweat fest in September.
I'm planning to go for the sweat fest in September.
Glad to hear you'll be there. Since the PaperBoy will likely not show up, I need somebody to pick on.
Bull....NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE...
08-05-2007, 10:57 PM
#47
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Two rednecks go out to go ice fishing. They came up to the first likely spot and set up shop. Suddenly, a booming voice comes from out of nowhere and says, "There are NO fish under the ice THERE."
The one redneck looks to the other, scratches his head, and they move on to another location. So again, they set up shop, get ready to catch dinner, and AGAIN, comes a loud booming voice, stating, "There are NO fish under the ice THERE."
"Well, ****," Earl says to Jimbob, "what do you thing this is? Is this God speaking to us?"
Then the loud voice comes on one last time and says, "No, this is NOT God. This is the rink manager."
That one's for you folks in New Jersey. 
The one redneck looks to the other, scratches his head, and they move on to another location. So again, they set up shop, get ready to catch dinner, and AGAIN, comes a loud booming voice, stating, "There are NO fish under the ice THERE."
"Well, ****," Earl says to Jimbob, "what do you thing this is? Is this God speaking to us?"
Then the loud voice comes on one last time and says, "No, this is NOT God. This is the rink manager."
That one's for you folks in New Jersey.
08-06-2007, 02:00 PM
#48
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Originally Posted by Veloce Raptor
Yeah, GerbilRaper has a lot of "latency" issues, if you catch my drift here.
Glad to hear you'll be there. Since the PaperBoy will likely not show up, I need somebody to pick on.
Bull....NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE...
Glad to hear you'll be there. Since the PaperBoy will likely not show up, I need somebody to pick on.
Bull....NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE...
08-06-2007, 02:01 PM
#49
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Wow.
I got nothin'.
I got nothin'.
08-06-2007, 02:27 PM
#50
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Apologies to everyone in Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri and the rest of the Heartland.
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day ******** the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day ******** the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
08-06-2007, 02:46 PM
#51
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That's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
08-06-2007, 04:52 PM
#54
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Finals of National poetry had arrived. 2 contestants were left, one from Harvard University, one a redneck from Dimville, Texas.
Rules stated that each was to compose a 4-line poem in one minute or less - the catch? The poem had to use the word "Timbuktu"
Harvard Man went first. 30 seconds after the clock started he got up and recited his poem.
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.
The audience went Crazy. How, they wondered could the redneck could top that?
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.
Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went...
Met three ****** in a pop-up tent...
They was three, we was two...
So I bucked one and Timbuktu...
Rules stated that each was to compose a 4-line poem in one minute or less - the catch? The poem had to use the word "Timbuktu"
Harvard Man went first. 30 seconds after the clock started he got up and recited his poem.
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.
The audience went Crazy. How, they wondered could the redneck could top that?
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought.
Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went...
Met three ****** in a pop-up tent...
They was three, we was two...
So I bucked one and Timbuktu...
08-06-2007, 05:24 PM
#55
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Originally Posted by Bull
Mikey will like it!
The locals dressed the guy who told it in sheep skins, and staked him out in the pasture.
After one night, he pleaded to be allowed to return home.
After two nights, the guy begged to stay in Wyoming.
After three nights, he wanted to move to California.
08-06-2007, 05:50 PM
#56
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Originally Posted by Mike in Chi
Heard that one out here five years ago from a guy visiting from New Jersey.
The locals dressed the guy who told it in sheep skins, and staked him out in the pasture.
After one night, he pleaded to be allowed to return home.
After two nights, the guy begged to stay in Wyoming.
After three nights, he wanted to move to California.
The locals dressed the guy who told it in sheep skins, and staked him out in the pasture.
After one night, he pleaded to be allowed to return home.
After two nights, the guy begged to stay in Wyoming.
After three nights, he wanted to move to California.
08-06-2007, 08:37 PM
#59
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Oh, brother...LMFAO.
08-06-2007, 08:53 PM
#60
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So, Mrs. Smithers 6th Grade English lesson is going fairly well one day, where she is explaining the more subtle difference between prose and poetry. She gives the class one more example, using Mary Had A Little Lamb as an example of poetry (staying with today's theme here), then just telling the same story in the style of prose. She then asks the class to give their own examples of each. Seeing no hands go up, Mrs. Smithers also sees little Johnny (could have been Davey or Mikey) in the back of the class looking as if he was not paying attention. She proceeded to ask Johnny to give the class his examples of prose and poetry.
Johnny turns in her direction and says "Mary had a little pig. It was a scrawny runt. It slipped its head between her legs and its tongue slipped up her......."
Stopping there, he asked "what would you like teach, prose or poetry?". Mrs. Smithers said "oh my God, PROSE!".
I'll let others finish this story as it is a family channel here.......
Johnny turns in her direction and says "Mary had a little pig. It was a scrawny runt. It slipped its head between her legs and its tongue slipped up her......."
Stopping there, he asked "what would you like teach, prose or poetry?". Mrs. Smithers said "oh my God, PROSE!".
I'll let others finish this story as it is a family channel here.......
