Bozo returns to Porsche Ownership
02-24-2004, 02:24 PM
#1
Addict
Rennlist Member
Rennlist Member
Thread Starter
Bozo returns to Porsche Ownership
As some of you may recall, Bozo sold his 993 a while back and, with some spare change from a bottom drawer, went in search of the clown's holy grail - a 356A - the pretty ones...
Bozo searched all over, but there was not much to be found - B and C models galore, but nary an A in sight. Then out of the blue, a car appeared in Bozo's old San Rafael neighborhood, in California.
The pictures looked good, a california friend's pictures and test drive looked good, and plane tickets were almost purchased! But then, a vigilant 356-list member recognized the car from a postage stamp picture of a door jamb - talk about dumb luck - and saved bozo from a giant mistake! That car apparently had had more surgery than Michael "Peter Pan" Jackson (but was equally in denial about them)...
Upon tracking down the last mechanic to work on said car, bozo learned it sported the welded butt of an earlier car which sagged more on one side than the other, a damaged nose repaired so badly that the catch for the hood had to be relocated sideways, a front axle apparently relocated an inch back from its previous residence, and most fun of all, its famed and powerful 912 engine had previously caught fire and burned its previous host - a 912 , bet you did not see this coming - to the ground.
Lots of bad Karma there, especially for someone with 2 left hands!
It was too late to cancel the inspection, and Bozo wanted to hear it from his own mechanic too, who as it turns out ended up kicking the guy out of his shop after a 5 minutes inspection! Goes to show you... there are crooks out there, and Porsches that may look pretty and even drive well could still be elephant dung under the skin. That's what Pre-purchase inspections are for!!!
Dissapointed, Bozo took solace in the presence of another car closer to home...but upon reception of the pictures, that one looked like it came out of an episode of nip-Tuck, and had had botox injections instead of peter pan surgery... The incredible smoothness and plastic look of the lower bodywork, coupled with the severely bowed door gaps pointed to a large application of plastic - and let's face it, if Bozo wanted to buy tupperware, he'd get a Corvette instead.
Eventually, losing 356 faith, bozo decided to re-investigate a car he'd given up on early during his search, due to geographical difficulties... Ahem... the car was in Vancouver, Canada. Not just Vancouver the city, mind you, vancouver Island !! Bozo likes to makes things hard for himself! About as diagonally across North America as you can get from the redneck swamps of Tampa, Florida, where Bozo's tent is currently sinking.
Still, the owner came recommended as an honest guy, and the price was attractive enough to withstand additional plane tickets and shipping costs without getting too much over budget. At worse, a nice trip to the land of Starbucks..
So, off to Seattle Bozo flew, with Mrs Bozo in tow. From there, a small commuter plane ride to Victoria, the island.. The owner was friendly and the car as represented, more or less, but rather more than less. No big surprises. Bozo liked. Mrs Bozo as well... We bought it...
A test drive revealed that the clutch was only active on the last 1/2 inch of travel, anything else was just grind city and that the 4 (presumably 4, feels like one and a half) drum brakes were about as efficient at stopping the car as putting both of Bozo's left hands out of the windows as an airbrake, but my, what an engine!
Other than a flat spot around 2500rpm severe enough to mash Bozo's clown nose on the windshield - probably fixable with a tune-up and new jetting, bozo liked the power and the feel of the little tub. As for the brake pedal, it grabbed so low that Bozo's clown shoes had to hit the floor, generally grabbing the gas pedal on the way down as well, in an unintended heel and toe maneuver that generated interesting braking patterns, and a few skids marks...in bozo's underwear (Skid marks on the road are just not possible at this point) But hey, it was pretty and fixable !
Off to the ferry we went, and obviously just missed the one that would have gotten us back in time to drive in daylight...Then the line to the next ferry started moving just as Bozo was busy cleaning up his skid marks, leaving Mrs Bozo to make friends with the car in a hurry! For those of you whose Porsche experience is limited to 993s - this involves figuring out which direction the fuel **** should be pointed at, how to start a carburated and warm 356 (floor it) and get it in gear with practically no clutch without grinding it! She made Bozo proud, though she did hit him pretty hard on the arm upon his return, for her troubles! Still, there was visible bonding going on.
On and off the ferry we went, a gorgeous ride, and we headed for the border.
Those canadians are so polite they put the rest of the world to shame. The ferry captain even warns you when he's going to sound the horn so as not to startle you !
The signs indicated shorter and shorter distances to the crossing, as the car seemed to warp the time-space continuum thanks to its powerful 912 engine, and the fact that Bozo mistook the distances in Kilometers for miles ;-) Mostly that second one. Yeah, well...
Not all was well in Bozoworld though, as he shrewdly noticed a new deafening noise at speed in 4th gear, prompting Bozo to instantly regret his purchase of yet another "to be rebuilt" transaxle, not a cheap proposition on a 356, not to mention those gears don't quite grow on trees anymore. Cursing slightly, Bozo pressed on to the border border to declare his latest purchase to uncle Sam and pay his custom duty. Upon parking in the customs "probing" area reserved for smugglers and unlucky travelers thought to carry drugs in orifices best left unmentioned, it occurred to his bozoness just what the noise was...
The friggin' handbrake (a twist and pull affair under the dash for you 911 people) had not "properly" released like it should have (and did on bozo's ex-356), so this clown had inadvertently left it 1/2 way tight! The rear drum shoes of the rear drums are probably pretty square now, but it's no great loss as the whole system will be gone over. Ahem ! On the + side, Clown makeup hides red cheeks real well.
Trying to break free of the throng of customs agents surrounding the vehicle, like Wiedeking parting the crowd at a 993 fan meet (yeah, right), a very embarrassed bozo retreated in the customs building. As it turns out, he could have smuggled an entire shipment of Canadian clown noses, as none of the admiring customs agents ever thought to either look inside the car, open the trunk, the door or even check the VIN#. Makes you feel safe and protected, eh ? But then again, no complaints and it all went smoothly and courteously.
Then we drove down to Seattle, in pitch black night, with the fantastic candle power of 2 slightly tired 6V headlights that let you see about as far as you can throw Wiedeking! Best part was when Bozo tried to turn on the high beams with the foot switch, and the world around us went BLACK! And I mean Black, no moon, no exterior lighting, nothing! Thankfully, frantic foot action returned the regular beams a few seconds later and we were still pointed towards starbuck-city!
The next day, the car was dropped off at a transporter depot for shipping (the poor guy there drove it with the handbrake on as well - which makes no difference anyway - making Bozo feel smug) and it's already on its way to Bozoland as we speak! It'll need a LOT of interior work - don't let the shiny exterior fool you- chrome stuff, and some mechanical tuning, but Bozo enjoys a minor project such as that one to keep him sane... that 912 engine sure goes, though ! So just like that, in a week or so, Bozo should be porscheless no more!
Bozo searched all over, but there was not much to be found - B and C models galore, but nary an A in sight. Then out of the blue, a car appeared in Bozo's old San Rafael neighborhood, in California.
The pictures looked good, a california friend's pictures and test drive looked good, and plane tickets were almost purchased! But then, a vigilant 356-list member recognized the car from a postage stamp picture of a door jamb - talk about dumb luck - and saved bozo from a giant mistake! That car apparently had had more surgery than Michael "Peter Pan" Jackson (but was equally in denial about them)...
Upon tracking down the last mechanic to work on said car, bozo learned it sported the welded butt of an earlier car which sagged more on one side than the other, a damaged nose repaired so badly that the catch for the hood had to be relocated sideways, a front axle apparently relocated an inch back from its previous residence, and most fun of all, its famed and powerful 912 engine had previously caught fire and burned its previous host - a 912 , bet you did not see this coming - to the ground.
Lots of bad Karma there, especially for someone with 2 left hands!
It was too late to cancel the inspection, and Bozo wanted to hear it from his own mechanic too, who as it turns out ended up kicking the guy out of his shop after a 5 minutes inspection! Goes to show you... there are crooks out there, and Porsches that may look pretty and even drive well could still be elephant dung under the skin. That's what Pre-purchase inspections are for!!!
Dissapointed, Bozo took solace in the presence of another car closer to home...but upon reception of the pictures, that one looked like it came out of an episode of nip-Tuck, and had had botox injections instead of peter pan surgery... The incredible smoothness and plastic look of the lower bodywork, coupled with the severely bowed door gaps pointed to a large application of plastic - and let's face it, if Bozo wanted to buy tupperware, he'd get a Corvette instead.
Eventually, losing 356 faith, bozo decided to re-investigate a car he'd given up on early during his search, due to geographical difficulties... Ahem... the car was in Vancouver, Canada. Not just Vancouver the city, mind you, vancouver Island !! Bozo likes to makes things hard for himself! About as diagonally across North America as you can get from the redneck swamps of Tampa, Florida, where Bozo's tent is currently sinking.
Still, the owner came recommended as an honest guy, and the price was attractive enough to withstand additional plane tickets and shipping costs without getting too much over budget. At worse, a nice trip to the land of Starbucks..
So, off to Seattle Bozo flew, with Mrs Bozo in tow. From there, a small commuter plane ride to Victoria, the island.. The owner was friendly and the car as represented, more or less, but rather more than less. No big surprises. Bozo liked. Mrs Bozo as well... We bought it...
A test drive revealed that the clutch was only active on the last 1/2 inch of travel, anything else was just grind city and that the 4 (presumably 4, feels like one and a half) drum brakes were about as efficient at stopping the car as putting both of Bozo's left hands out of the windows as an airbrake, but my, what an engine!
Other than a flat spot around 2500rpm severe enough to mash Bozo's clown nose on the windshield - probably fixable with a tune-up and new jetting, bozo liked the power and the feel of the little tub. As for the brake pedal, it grabbed so low that Bozo's clown shoes had to hit the floor, generally grabbing the gas pedal on the way down as well, in an unintended heel and toe maneuver that generated interesting braking patterns, and a few skids marks...in bozo's underwear (Skid marks on the road are just not possible at this point) But hey, it was pretty and fixable !
Off to the ferry we went, and obviously just missed the one that would have gotten us back in time to drive in daylight...Then the line to the next ferry started moving just as Bozo was busy cleaning up his skid marks, leaving Mrs Bozo to make friends with the car in a hurry! For those of you whose Porsche experience is limited to 993s - this involves figuring out which direction the fuel **** should be pointed at, how to start a carburated and warm 356 (floor it) and get it in gear with practically no clutch without grinding it! She made Bozo proud, though she did hit him pretty hard on the arm upon his return, for her troubles! Still, there was visible bonding going on.
On and off the ferry we went, a gorgeous ride, and we headed for the border.
Those canadians are so polite they put the rest of the world to shame. The ferry captain even warns you when he's going to sound the horn so as not to startle you !
The signs indicated shorter and shorter distances to the crossing, as the car seemed to warp the time-space continuum thanks to its powerful 912 engine, and the fact that Bozo mistook the distances in Kilometers for miles ;-) Mostly that second one. Yeah, well...
Not all was well in Bozoworld though, as he shrewdly noticed a new deafening noise at speed in 4th gear, prompting Bozo to instantly regret his purchase of yet another "to be rebuilt" transaxle, not a cheap proposition on a 356, not to mention those gears don't quite grow on trees anymore. Cursing slightly, Bozo pressed on to the border border to declare his latest purchase to uncle Sam and pay his custom duty. Upon parking in the customs "probing" area reserved for smugglers and unlucky travelers thought to carry drugs in orifices best left unmentioned, it occurred to his bozoness just what the noise was...
The friggin' handbrake (a twist and pull affair under the dash for you 911 people) had not "properly" released like it should have (and did on bozo's ex-356), so this clown had inadvertently left it 1/2 way tight! The rear drum shoes of the rear drums are probably pretty square now, but it's no great loss as the whole system will be gone over. Ahem ! On the + side, Clown makeup hides red cheeks real well.
Trying to break free of the throng of customs agents surrounding the vehicle, like Wiedeking parting the crowd at a 993 fan meet (yeah, right), a very embarrassed bozo retreated in the customs building. As it turns out, he could have smuggled an entire shipment of Canadian clown noses, as none of the admiring customs agents ever thought to either look inside the car, open the trunk, the door or even check the VIN#. Makes you feel safe and protected, eh ? But then again, no complaints and it all went smoothly and courteously.
Then we drove down to Seattle, in pitch black night, with the fantastic candle power of 2 slightly tired 6V headlights that let you see about as far as you can throw Wiedeking! Best part was when Bozo tried to turn on the high beams with the foot switch, and the world around us went BLACK! And I mean Black, no moon, no exterior lighting, nothing! Thankfully, frantic foot action returned the regular beams a few seconds later and we were still pointed towards starbuck-city!
The next day, the car was dropped off at a transporter depot for shipping (the poor guy there drove it with the handbrake on as well - which makes no difference anyway - making Bozo feel smug) and it's already on its way to Bozoland as we speak! It'll need a LOT of interior work - don't let the shiny exterior fool you- chrome stuff, and some mechanical tuning, but Bozo enjoys a minor project such as that one to keep him sane... that 912 engine sure goes, though ! So just like that, in a week or so, Bozo should be porscheless no more!
02-24-2004, 02:51 PM
#3
Addict
Rennlist Member
Rennlist Member
Great write up as always, Congratulations! Happy to hear customs cleared you so fast. I only hope that the sleeper cells in Canada don't start snapping up 356's to smuggle their stinger missles.
02-24-2004, 02:54 PM
#5
Instructor
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Harrow. United Kingdom
Posts: 213
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
I just love old 356's, wish i had the space and cash to own one along with my 993.
Congrats on the purchase, Vancouver is superb, can't think of a better way to buy a car.
Congrats on the purchase, Vancouver is superb, can't think of a better way to buy a car.
02-24-2004, 03:02 PM
#6
Nordschleife Master
Greg,
Please, please, please. Continue to post your Porsche adventures (despite it being a 356) here on the 993 board for your fellow clowns to enjoy. Your writing is great; I love reading about your aventures. Don't desert us now!
Please, please, please. Continue to post your Porsche adventures (despite it being a 356) here on the 993 board for your fellow clowns to enjoy. Your writing is great; I love reading about your aventures. Don't desert us now!
Trending Topics
02-24-2004, 03:10 PM
#8
Addict
Rennlist Member
Rennlist Member
Congrats Bozo. I hope you will continue to post 356 info here on the 993 board as I love those cars and hope to have one of my own one day.
Cheers.
-Skip
Cheers.
-Skip
02-24-2004, 03:15 PM
#9
Addict
Rennlist Member
Rennlist Member
Thread Starter
No worries.. Bozo plans to stick around. For one he might get another 993 in a few years, and then, the 356-talk list, while a great source of info, is not as informal and fun as this board ! Plus bozo is a die-hard rennlister anyway. More pictures you asked ?
Ok, twist my left arm (any left arm) !
Awaiting the ferry with a naked butt :
The engine compartment ; look how the paint looks almost blue there in sunlight compared to previous shots!
Side shot - classic lines..
The rotten interior with non period wheel !
PS: it's called Fjord green. I just figured out why. Gotta be the color of scandinavian private parts when they fall thru the ice in a Fjord. Between blue and green ! ;-)
Ok, twist my left arm (any left arm) !
Awaiting the ferry with a naked butt :
The engine compartment ; look how the paint looks almost blue there in sunlight compared to previous shots!
Side shot - classic lines..
The rotten interior with non period wheel !
PS: it's called Fjord green. I just figured out why. Gotta be the color of scandinavian private parts when they fall thru the ice in a Fjord. Between blue and green ! ;-)
Last edited by Greg D.; 02-24-2004 at 03:36 PM.
02-24-2004, 03:34 PM
#13
Addict
Rennlist Member
Rennlist Member
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Lat: 47 Deg 26.848N Lon: 122 Deg 21.341W Seattle
Posts: 2,021
Likes: 0
Received 0 Likes
on
0 Posts
Great story, Bozo...congrats on the car!
Next time somebody needs clowning in Seattle or emergency clowning send a post! We could turn a 1 hour job into a 8 hour nighmare!
I am near the airport and would hate a rennlister to be stuck around here.
I the old days, I was in the BMW motorcycle club and there was a directory to allow folks to get together or call for emergency help. It was nice to know that there are folks out there to lend a hand or a floppy shoe!
Next time somebody needs clowning in Seattle or emergency clowning send a post! We could turn a 1 hour job into a 8 hour nighmare!
I am near the airport and would hate a rennlister to be stuck around here.
I the old days, I was in the BMW motorcycle club and there was a directory to allow folks to get together or call for emergency help. It was nice to know that there are folks out there to lend a hand or a floppy shoe!
