Interpreting 928 Car Ads (Long)
02-08-2008, 12:59 AM
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Interpreting 928 Car Ads (Long)
The following "translations" are only humorous because we've seen them too often....for real! I don't take credit for all these as many of you added to the list a few years ago. I just got around to compiling them tonight...and I started laughing again so hard my eyes started dripping.
If you see some that are missing, please add them.
---------------------
928 GLOSSARY OF COMMONLY USED CAR TERMS
MINT CONDITION - Condition as manufactured, w/minor paint issues, dents in undercarriage, a few leaks.
MINTY CONDITION - As above, only it has some tears in seats, some rust, etc.
NEEDS A TUNEUP - Doesn't run, bad ECU, etc.
A LITTLE ROUGH - Vaguely resembles a 928
GOOD FOR ITS AGE - Poor to Awful
RESTORED - I threw enough stuff in it to be complete
THE FINEST EXAMPLE YOU'LL FIND – (in my garage)
BEEN IN STORAGE - under the oak tree behind the house
ALL ORIGINAL - except the cheesey ricer add-ons I found at Walmart
310HP EURO MOTOR - ragged '80 US 4.5
NEVER HAD A TIMING BELT WARNING LIGHT: Warning system disabled drive at your own risk!!
RECENT TIMING BELT SERVICE -- Done at Bubba's foreign car service, what do you mean there needs to be oil in the tensioner, rollers replaced, WP replaced?
RECENT TIMING BELT SERVICE -- Sprayed some armor-all through the vent hole with the engine idling. Belt looks great, keeps it from cracking more.
TENSIONER SERVICED -- Wrapped some electrical tape around the tear in the boot. I put almost a quart of used oil from the Peterbuilt in there. Almost all of it ran out the back, but then it stopped. Cleaned it up with some gas, no more leaks!
RECENT INSPECTION -- Yep, we looked! Didn't fix or replace anything, but we looked. In fact, that's why we're selling it before more stuff happens!
COMPLETELY RESTORED = I've already thrown twice what it's worth into this pig and I STILL can't figure out why it won't run!
RUST FREE: the rust is free. (For 914s)
"CONCOURS” = "A decent fifteen-footer"
SOME DAMAGE FROM SMALL ENGINE FIRE - everything rubber or plastic under the hood is gone.
WILL HELP WITH SHIPPING- will do anything to get this POS off my property
HANDLES GREAT - if it had new shocks, bushings, and tires
FLIP-UP HEADLIGHTS - they'll flip up but won't flip back down
QUICK - can beat some SUVs
NEW TIRES- Did a couple burnouts. Watch out for the trans r&p.
GOOD AS NEW = spray painted or siliconed everything questionable
ONE OWNER CAR- he just moves alot and changes his name often
SMALL TICK ON STARTUP – Belts & rollers shot
$12,000 VALUE FOR ONLY $5,000 - Now priced at only twice what it's worth
ORIGINAL PAINT- It's faded 'till you can't tell what color it is but it's still the original paint
FRESH NEW PAINT - By Bubba's Sandblasting and Paint Shop (don't laugh, there is one of these here locally)
SHOWS HONEST WEAR - Used as an off-road vehicle for the past few years
VERY GOOD RUNNING - Cranks and idles and will hit at least 3K rpms
GOOD RUNNING - Cranks and idles
RUNS - Idles and backfires and won't kill as long as you leave in in 1st gear
FAIR SHAPE - No glass but it doesn't have genuine Chevy fenders retrofitted.
NEEDS A LITTLE WORK - Beyond repair
TIGHT - Thanks to epoxy cement and duct tape
HAIRLINE CRACK - You can see light through it
SMALL CHIPS IN PAINT- Front end looks like it was sandblasted with gravel
NICE PATINA ON MANIFOLD - Even coat of salt corrosion
REPRESENTATIVE PIECE - You can still tell that it's a 928
GOOD DRIVER - For the suicidal
PROBABLY PO WAS A MOVIE STAR - Probably not
CUSTOM VARIATION - PO had the interior carpeting color changed from original
NEEDS PAINT - Has no paint
NEEDS TLC - Nothing works
NEEDS TIGHTENING UP - Everything's loose
RECONDITIONED - Belt sander special
NO CRACKS IN DASH -Just little "hairlines"
ALL ORIGINAL - I finally was able to find all the pieces that were missing
BELONGED TO A DENTIST'S WIFE - You say it belonged to Bonnie and who?
YOU'LL BE THE THIRD OWNER OF THIS LOW MILE BABY - The second owner was Willieholt, Seana, SlowMiler or something like that. She only buys cool looking cars.
ORIGINAL MILES - On the junkyard odometer
SPEEDOMETER'S STUCK ON 35K MILES - It quit working when we tried to turn it back. I guarantee you it's a low mile car. Oh, the driver's side bolster? The PO carried a lot of money in his billfold, causing the finish to wear off early.
ALL ORIGINAL - Stuff's worn out but nothing's ever been replaced
LEAKS OIL - "All Porsches do that" (or it's just marking its territory)
GIVES A LITTLE PUFF OF SMOKE ON STARTUP - Blown head gasket
SOUND GREAT!! - Muffler rotted and fell off at 280,000 miles. Odometer replaced but could use a muffler if you don't want as much horsepower
ALL LIGHTS WORK - Intermittently
RUNS STEADY - Just won't accellerate past 50 mph
ALWAYS STARTS UP - If you jump it.
ALL PANELS LINE UP EVEN - Half-inch gap is normal on these cars.
DOORS LOCK UP TIGHT - The chains and padlocks come with the car.
REAR HATCH LOCK WORKS - Yea, right
TORQUE TUBE IS IN GOOD SHAPE - The housing anyway
IT'S AN EXTREMELY RARE 5-SPEED -They made three more Tiptronics than sticks
SHIFTS SMOOTH AS SILK - As long as you match the engine speed to the trans
ALL ORIGINAL ENGINE - From a *****'s Jeep
ALL ORIGINAL WHEELS - From four different original cars
HAS FACTORY WHEEL LOCKS - But no keys
AC WORKS - In the winter, just open the moon hatch
WHAT ABOUT THE ORIGNAL TOOL KIT? It has a tool kit? Where's it supposed to be?
"IMMACULATE" was the word used to describe a Karmann Ghia. So I borrowed a truck and trailer and drove two hours to buy it. It was more bondo than steel and had a rust hole on the nose large enough to stick my fist through.
JUST NEEDS A LITTLE FREON .. LOL (True most of the time!)
IT'S BEEN SITTING A WHILE, BUT IT'LL SMOOTH OUT WITH SOME MILES ON IT- Blown head gasket/worn out rings.
OWN A CAR LIKE THE ONE FROM 'RISKY BUSINESS' (actually saw this one)- Means doing business with this guy would be risky
ORIGINAL PAINT IN EXCELLENT-NEAR PERFECT CONDITION= Total respray, fisheyes in paint, and mismatched panels that can be noticed from 50 yards.
TRANSMISSION FLUID JUST REPLACED - there was so much metal in the pan, we're selling it quick
SEAL CONDITIONER ADDED - seals will fail in three...two...
THESE CARS NEED TO BE DRIVEN - but we couldn't because it was in the shop most of the time
RECENTLY REBUILT STROKER - burned oil like a two-stroke
SOME ELECTRICAL WORK DONE - pod and dash reassembled by the Talosians
FEELS LIKE IT HAS 500 HORSEPOWER -- compared to my 3-cylinder Suzuki car
300 HORSEPOWER EURO MOTOR -- I wish this US car had one
AC BLOWS COLD -- if it's cold outside
LOOKS BRAND NEW FROM 10 FEET - you'll hardly notice the ripples in the Bondo.
SLIGHT CURB RASH - goes nicely with the corded tires.
CUSTOM PAINT - Home Depot ran out of red spray cans, so I had to use white on the doors.
JUST NEEDS A GOOD DETAIL TO BE PERFECT - as long as that includes new carpets, seat covers and a dashbord.
JUST NEEDS WASH AND WAX - after you grind off the rust spots.
PURRS LIKE A KITTEN - after a firecaracker was shoved up its rear.
NEVER ABUSED - if you don't count the week it spent underwater in hurricane Katrina.
MINOR FENDER BENDER - Jaws of Life was only used on one door.
JUST A FEW MINOR PROBLEMS THAT SHOULD ONLY TAKE 10 MINUTES TO FIX - you're not allowed to ask why I don't just fix them.
THEFT RECOVERY WITH NO DAMAGE = salvage title after 2 hour pursuit with police ending in 928 crashing into several police cars & suspect shot in car
CUSTOM TWO-TONE INTERIOR = seats redyed to remove the red stain from above
THIS CAR IS SO CLEAN YOU COULD EAT OFF THE INTAKE - There is so much grim and grease on everything it will increase your bad cholesterol level by just looking at the car
RUNS LIKE A CLOCK = Has bad lifters....... it even ticks like one!
If you see some that are missing, please add them.
---------------------
928 GLOSSARY OF COMMONLY USED CAR TERMSMINT CONDITION - Condition as manufactured, w/minor paint issues, dents in undercarriage, a few leaks.
MINTY CONDITION - As above, only it has some tears in seats, some rust, etc.
NEEDS A TUNEUP - Doesn't run, bad ECU, etc.
A LITTLE ROUGH - Vaguely resembles a 928
GOOD FOR ITS AGE - Poor to Awful
RESTORED - I threw enough stuff in it to be complete
THE FINEST EXAMPLE YOU'LL FIND – (in my garage)
BEEN IN STORAGE - under the oak tree behind the house
ALL ORIGINAL - except the cheesey ricer add-ons I found at Walmart
310HP EURO MOTOR - ragged '80 US 4.5
NEVER HAD A TIMING BELT WARNING LIGHT: Warning system disabled drive at your own risk!!
RECENT TIMING BELT SERVICE -- Done at Bubba's foreign car service, what do you mean there needs to be oil in the tensioner, rollers replaced, WP replaced?
RECENT TIMING BELT SERVICE -- Sprayed some armor-all through the vent hole with the engine idling. Belt looks great, keeps it from cracking more.
TENSIONER SERVICED -- Wrapped some electrical tape around the tear in the boot. I put almost a quart of used oil from the Peterbuilt in there. Almost all of it ran out the back, but then it stopped. Cleaned it up with some gas, no more leaks!
RECENT INSPECTION -- Yep, we looked! Didn't fix or replace anything, but we looked. In fact, that's why we're selling it before more stuff happens!
COMPLETELY RESTORED = I've already thrown twice what it's worth into this pig and I STILL can't figure out why it won't run!
RUST FREE: the rust is free. (For 914s)
"CONCOURS” = "A decent fifteen-footer"
SOME DAMAGE FROM SMALL ENGINE FIRE - everything rubber or plastic under the hood is gone.
WILL HELP WITH SHIPPING- will do anything to get this POS off my property
HANDLES GREAT - if it had new shocks, bushings, and tires
FLIP-UP HEADLIGHTS - they'll flip up but won't flip back down
QUICK - can beat some SUVs
NEW TIRES- Did a couple burnouts. Watch out for the trans r&p.
GOOD AS NEW = spray painted or siliconed everything questionable
ONE OWNER CAR- he just moves alot and changes his name often
SMALL TICK ON STARTUP – Belts & rollers shot
$12,000 VALUE FOR ONLY $5,000 - Now priced at only twice what it's worth
ORIGINAL PAINT- It's faded 'till you can't tell what color it is but it's still the original paint
FRESH NEW PAINT - By Bubba's Sandblasting and Paint Shop (don't laugh, there is one of these here locally)
SHOWS HONEST WEAR - Used as an off-road vehicle for the past few years
VERY GOOD RUNNING - Cranks and idles and will hit at least 3K rpms
GOOD RUNNING - Cranks and idles
RUNS - Idles and backfires and won't kill as long as you leave in in 1st gear
FAIR SHAPE - No glass but it doesn't have genuine Chevy fenders retrofitted.
NEEDS A LITTLE WORK - Beyond repair
TIGHT - Thanks to epoxy cement and duct tape
HAIRLINE CRACK - You can see light through it
SMALL CHIPS IN PAINT- Front end looks like it was sandblasted with gravel
NICE PATINA ON MANIFOLD - Even coat of salt corrosion
REPRESENTATIVE PIECE - You can still tell that it's a 928
GOOD DRIVER - For the suicidal
PROBABLY PO WAS A MOVIE STAR - Probably not
CUSTOM VARIATION - PO had the interior carpeting color changed from original
NEEDS PAINT - Has no paint
NEEDS TLC - Nothing works
NEEDS TIGHTENING UP - Everything's loose
RECONDITIONED - Belt sander special
NO CRACKS IN DASH -Just little "hairlines"
ALL ORIGINAL - I finally was able to find all the pieces that were missing
BELONGED TO A DENTIST'S WIFE - You say it belonged to Bonnie and who?
YOU'LL BE THE THIRD OWNER OF THIS LOW MILE BABY - The second owner was Willieholt, Seana, SlowMiler or something like that. She only buys cool looking cars.
ORIGINAL MILES - On the junkyard odometer
SPEEDOMETER'S STUCK ON 35K MILES - It quit working when we tried to turn it back. I guarantee you it's a low mile car. Oh, the driver's side bolster? The PO carried a lot of money in his billfold, causing the finish to wear off early.
ALL ORIGINAL - Stuff's worn out but nothing's ever been replaced
LEAKS OIL - "All Porsches do that" (or it's just marking its territory)
GIVES A LITTLE PUFF OF SMOKE ON STARTUP - Blown head gasket
SOUND GREAT!! - Muffler rotted and fell off at 280,000 miles. Odometer replaced but could use a muffler if you don't want as much horsepower
ALL LIGHTS WORK - Intermittently
RUNS STEADY - Just won't accellerate past 50 mph
ALWAYS STARTS UP - If you jump it.
ALL PANELS LINE UP EVEN - Half-inch gap is normal on these cars.
DOORS LOCK UP TIGHT - The chains and padlocks come with the car.
REAR HATCH LOCK WORKS - Yea, right
TORQUE TUBE IS IN GOOD SHAPE - The housing anyway
IT'S AN EXTREMELY RARE 5-SPEED -They made three more Tiptronics than sticks
SHIFTS SMOOTH AS SILK - As long as you match the engine speed to the trans
ALL ORIGINAL ENGINE - From a *****'s Jeep
ALL ORIGINAL WHEELS - From four different original cars
HAS FACTORY WHEEL LOCKS - But no keys
AC WORKS - In the winter, just open the moon hatch
WHAT ABOUT THE ORIGNAL TOOL KIT? It has a tool kit? Where's it supposed to be?
"IMMACULATE" was the word used to describe a Karmann Ghia. So I borrowed a truck and trailer and drove two hours to buy it. It was more bondo than steel and had a rust hole on the nose large enough to stick my fist through.
JUST NEEDS A LITTLE FREON .. LOL (True most of the time!)
IT'S BEEN SITTING A WHILE, BUT IT'LL SMOOTH OUT WITH SOME MILES ON IT- Blown head gasket/worn out rings.
OWN A CAR LIKE THE ONE FROM 'RISKY BUSINESS' (actually saw this one)- Means doing business with this guy would be risky
ORIGINAL PAINT IN EXCELLENT-NEAR PERFECT CONDITION= Total respray, fisheyes in paint, and mismatched panels that can be noticed from 50 yards.
TRANSMISSION FLUID JUST REPLACED - there was so much metal in the pan, we're selling it quick
SEAL CONDITIONER ADDED - seals will fail in three...two...
THESE CARS NEED TO BE DRIVEN - but we couldn't because it was in the shop most of the time
RECENTLY REBUILT STROKER - burned oil like a two-stroke
SOME ELECTRICAL WORK DONE - pod and dash reassembled by the Talosians
FEELS LIKE IT HAS 500 HORSEPOWER -- compared to my 3-cylinder Suzuki car
300 HORSEPOWER EURO MOTOR -- I wish this US car had one
AC BLOWS COLD -- if it's cold outside
LOOKS BRAND NEW FROM 10 FEET - you'll hardly notice the ripples in the Bondo.
SLIGHT CURB RASH - goes nicely with the corded tires.
CUSTOM PAINT - Home Depot ran out of red spray cans, so I had to use white on the doors.
JUST NEEDS A GOOD DETAIL TO BE PERFECT - as long as that includes new carpets, seat covers and a dashbord.
JUST NEEDS WASH AND WAX - after you grind off the rust spots.
PURRS LIKE A KITTEN - after a firecaracker was shoved up its rear.
NEVER ABUSED - if you don't count the week it spent underwater in hurricane Katrina.
MINOR FENDER BENDER - Jaws of Life was only used on one door.
JUST A FEW MINOR PROBLEMS THAT SHOULD ONLY TAKE 10 MINUTES TO FIX - you're not allowed to ask why I don't just fix them.
THEFT RECOVERY WITH NO DAMAGE = salvage title after 2 hour pursuit with police ending in 928 crashing into several police cars & suspect shot in car
CUSTOM TWO-TONE INTERIOR = seats redyed to remove the red stain from above
THIS CAR IS SO CLEAN YOU COULD EAT OFF THE INTAKE - There is so much grim and grease on everything it will increase your bad cholesterol level by just looking at the car
RUNS LIKE A CLOCK = Has bad lifters....... it even ticks like one!
02-08-2008, 01:41 AM
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H2
02-08-2008, 02:05 AM
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Harv, take a look at this thread from 2004: https://rennlist.com/forums/928-forum/146483-should-i-buy-this.html#post1440369 (go to the third page...)
Screw it - I'll just copy the good one's into this thread in the next post....
It has some good ones. I'm particularly proud of my own contribution:
In this thread it would be translated thusly:
SERVICED BY SPECIALIST - I've been fleeced by this shop for years just like all the other Porsche owners. How could we admit this and still be men?
Screw it - I'll just copy the good one's into this thread in the next post....
It has some good ones. I'm particularly proud of my own contribution:
Originally Posted by me
p.o. "The mechanic that works on the car is known in these parts as The Best"
translation: "I am part of the herd fleeced by this guy. How could we admit this and still be men?"
translation: "I am part of the herd fleeced by this guy. How could we admit this and still be men?"
SERVICED BY SPECIALIST - I've been fleeced by this shop for years just like all the other Porsche owners. How could we admit this and still be men?
02-08-2008, 02:11 AM
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I am trying to start a "rennlister-to-bad-p.o." translation guide:
p.o. "I haven't had to do anything to it".
translation: "I have done absolutely no maintenance, and you will have to do it all".
p.o. "I'm looking for something sportier".
translation: "this car needs an alignment, shocks, brakes, a complete tune up and it runs pretty bad right now. And I'm not going to pay to fix any of it".
p.o. "Looks and runs like new".
translation: "It was new once, I was young once, and I told the truth once".
p.o. "Needs nothing".
translation: "It starts and doesnt catch fire, so that's pretty good-right?"
Don't get me started.
Carl
p.o. "I haven't had to do anything to it".
translation: "I have done absolutely no maintenance, and you will have to do it all".
p.o. "I'm looking for something sportier".
translation: "this car needs an alignment, shocks, brakes, a complete tune up and it runs pretty bad right now. And I'm not going to pay to fix any of it".
p.o. "Looks and runs like new".
translation: "It was new once, I was young once, and I told the truth once".
p.o. "Needs nothing".
translation: "It starts and doesnt catch fire, so that's pretty good-right?"
Don't get me started.
Carl
Oh you forgot:
p.o. "It just needs someone who knows how to work on them"
translation: "I haven't been able to find a shop that has an effing clue about these cars."
p.o. "It just needs a tune-up"
translation: "If you can find a piece of rubber under the hood that doesn't need replacing, I'll kiss your ***"
p.o. "It just needs someone who knows how to work on them"
translation: "I haven't been able to find a shop that has an effing clue about these cars."
p.o. "It just needs a tune-up"
translation: "If you can find a piece of rubber under the hood that doesn't need replacing, I'll kiss your ***"
And these:
p.o: "Porsche OEM [C2,993,996,xxx (except original 928)] wheels"
translation: "I dumpster-dove and found four bent rims and repainted them"
p.o: "Tires in good shape with xx% thread left"
translation: "I feel bumps on the tire when I run my hand over it. Might be tread. Might be finish nails. Who knows?"
p.o: "I don't get to drive it very often"
translation: "I tried to start it 5 years ago and it didn't. So, I've been using the hood and roof as storage space since."
p.o. "The leather needs conditioning"
translation: "A towel is in place to cover the damage done by mice hunting for buried treasure."
p.o. "The mechanic that works on the car is known in these parts as The Best"
translation: "I am part of the herd fleeced by this guy. How could we admit this and still be men?"
p.o: "Porsche OEM [C2,993,996,xxx (except original 928)] wheels"
translation: "I dumpster-dove and found four bent rims and repainted them"
p.o: "Tires in good shape with xx% thread left"
translation: "I feel bumps on the tire when I run my hand over it. Might be tread. Might be finish nails. Who knows?"
p.o: "I don't get to drive it very often"
translation: "I tried to start it 5 years ago and it didn't. So, I've been using the hood and roof as storage space since."
p.o. "The leather needs conditioning"
translation: "A towel is in place to cover the damage done by mice hunting for buried treasure."
p.o. "The mechanic that works on the car is known in these parts as The Best"
translation: "I am part of the herd fleeced by this guy. How could we admit this and still be men?"
02-08-2008, 05:31 AM
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How about,
"Just needs inspection" .... more like, ridden hard and put up wet, requiring replacement of all suspension and brake parts, hoses, lighting circuits, melted wires, relays and lenses, horn ring and exhaust (could be patched). Then you can do the runnability things as you have time.
"Just needs inspection" .... more like, ridden hard and put up wet, requiring replacement of all suspension and brake parts, hoses, lighting circuits, melted wires, relays and lenses, horn ring and exhaust (could be patched). Then you can do the runnability things as you have time.
Last edited by Landseer; 02-08-2008 at 05:52 AM.
02-09-2008, 10:59 AM
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Worf,
Lots of good ones! Thanks! Here's a few more...
YOU WON'T HAVE TO PUT A SINGLE PENNY INTO THIS BABY- Forget about the pennies, it'll take thousands of dollars!
AS IS, WHERE IS, PAYMENT WITHIN 3 DAYS, NO REFUNDS - After seeing it, the last 4 buyers chose to leave it here.
REALLY TIGHT SUSPENSION - It's rusted solid, nothing moves.
Lots of good ones! Thanks! Here's a few more...
YOU WON'T HAVE TO PUT A SINGLE PENNY INTO THIS BABY- Forget about the pennies, it'll take thousands of dollars!
AS IS, WHERE IS, PAYMENT WITHIN 3 DAYS, NO REFUNDS - After seeing it, the last 4 buyers chose to leave it here.
REALLY TIGHT SUSPENSION - It's rusted solid, nothing moves.