Ooooh, Wade, is Mary PISSED! (AKA The Official Renntreffen Trash-talking Thread)
08-18-2005 | 10:06 AM
#35
Race Director
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 12,208
Likes: 16
From: The Heart of it All
If you've ever seen the movie "Blue Velvet", which includes a perverted, helium-snorting Dennis Hopper screaming the f-word every five seconds, one of the truest lines in the movie is, "It's a strange world."
This line is especially true for families. While my family doesn't have anyone who beats people in the face and screams "Don't look at me, dammit!" while having sex with them - like Hopper's character - all of us are still strange in our own way. My parents usually deny being strange, and blame the weirdness of my brother and I on relatives they don't like. Since my family has an exceptionally large amount of strange, unlikable relatives, my parents never run out of people to blame. It's a nice little racket they've got going.
If any of my relatives are reading this, rest assured that I'm kidding. Maybe.
My parents are just as weird as my brother and I, and recently, I was able to obtain proof. It's not a big scandal of any sort, but my findings are still rather disturbing. You see, my parents seem to have an extremely unhealthy obsession with Jell-O.
Upon opening the refrigerator the day before Christmas, I found a smorgasbord of Jell-O cups. My parents have a selection larger than the supermarket where I live. In all, there were 62 individual Jell-O cups in the fridge. You want lime? They've got lime. You want orange? They've got orange. Does your pregnant wife have some odd hankering for black cherry Jell-O? They've got that flavor as well. If Jell-O came out with a new vomit-flavored variety, I'm sure my parents would buy some of that, too.
I checked the refrigerator again a few days later, and no one had eaten any of the Jell-O. With that much of it, you'd think they ate the stuff rather regularly, but none of it was gone. It was just sitting there, like a small shrine. I asked my mother if Bill Cosby had visited them recently, but she just gave me a weird look.
Perhaps there's another explanation. In the fridge, surrounded by all the boxes of Jell-O is one sole cup of Jolly Ranchers brand gelatin. This cup looks as though it's been sitting around for quite some time, which leads me to believe this cup lords over the rest of the Jell-O, like a mob boss over his henchmen. Why else would this cup be so carefully guarded by the other packs? If you look at the second picture I took, you'll see some stray cups of Jell-O in a side section of the refrigerator. They look like animals milling around in a fenced area. These are obviously cups of Jell-O that are disliked by the head gelatin, and are slated to be eaten next.
I decided not to eat any of the Jell-O, for fear of the Jolly Rancher cup ordering the other Jell-O cups to murder me in my sleep. I could have eaten the Jolly Rancher cup of Jell-O, thereby making myself the new gelatin master, but I feared mutiny. Also, the Jolly Rancher cup looked old, so I was afraid it would give me diarrhea.
Instead, I made plans to push some heavy shelves in front of my bedroom door before retiring for the night. I tried to interrogate my dad about the Jell-O, but he gave me the runaround, as expected. Instead of telling me the truth about his weirdness, he made up some story about being on the Atkins diet, and said something about how the diet only allows him to eat Jell-O, uncooked ground beef, and dairy products that have been regurgitated by someone else. I did not mention my theory regarding the Jolly Rancher cup. He might be in cahoots with that one.
Either way, it's become obvious that no matter what the truth is, my parents are still really weird. I warned you, dad. Now the proof is here for everyone to see. You're the caucasian Bill Cosby. That would make my mom the caucasian Phylicia Rashad, which just gives me the *******.
This line is especially true for families. While my family doesn't have anyone who beats people in the face and screams "Don't look at me, dammit!" while having sex with them - like Hopper's character - all of us are still strange in our own way. My parents usually deny being strange, and blame the weirdness of my brother and I on relatives they don't like. Since my family has an exceptionally large amount of strange, unlikable relatives, my parents never run out of people to blame. It's a nice little racket they've got going.
If any of my relatives are reading this, rest assured that I'm kidding. Maybe.
My parents are just as weird as my brother and I, and recently, I was able to obtain proof. It's not a big scandal of any sort, but my findings are still rather disturbing. You see, my parents seem to have an extremely unhealthy obsession with Jell-O.
Upon opening the refrigerator the day before Christmas, I found a smorgasbord of Jell-O cups. My parents have a selection larger than the supermarket where I live. In all, there were 62 individual Jell-O cups in the fridge. You want lime? They've got lime. You want orange? They've got orange. Does your pregnant wife have some odd hankering for black cherry Jell-O? They've got that flavor as well. If Jell-O came out with a new vomit-flavored variety, I'm sure my parents would buy some of that, too.
I checked the refrigerator again a few days later, and no one had eaten any of the Jell-O. With that much of it, you'd think they ate the stuff rather regularly, but none of it was gone. It was just sitting there, like a small shrine. I asked my mother if Bill Cosby had visited them recently, but she just gave me a weird look.
Perhaps there's another explanation. In the fridge, surrounded by all the boxes of Jell-O is one sole cup of Jolly Ranchers brand gelatin. This cup looks as though it's been sitting around for quite some time, which leads me to believe this cup lords over the rest of the Jell-O, like a mob boss over his henchmen. Why else would this cup be so carefully guarded by the other packs? If you look at the second picture I took, you'll see some stray cups of Jell-O in a side section of the refrigerator. They look like animals milling around in a fenced area. These are obviously cups of Jell-O that are disliked by the head gelatin, and are slated to be eaten next.
I decided not to eat any of the Jell-O, for fear of the Jolly Rancher cup ordering the other Jell-O cups to murder me in my sleep. I could have eaten the Jolly Rancher cup of Jell-O, thereby making myself the new gelatin master, but I feared mutiny. Also, the Jolly Rancher cup looked old, so I was afraid it would give me diarrhea.
Instead, I made plans to push some heavy shelves in front of my bedroom door before retiring for the night. I tried to interrogate my dad about the Jell-O, but he gave me the runaround, as expected. Instead of telling me the truth about his weirdness, he made up some story about being on the Atkins diet, and said something about how the diet only allows him to eat Jell-O, uncooked ground beef, and dairy products that have been regurgitated by someone else. I did not mention my theory regarding the Jolly Rancher cup. He might be in cahoots with that one.
Either way, it's become obvious that no matter what the truth is, my parents are still really weird. I warned you, dad. Now the proof is here for everyone to see. You're the caucasian Bill Cosby. That would make my mom the caucasian Phylicia Rashad, which just gives me the *******.
08-18-2005 | 04:28 PM
#39
Track Day
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 21
Likes: 0
Originally Posted by Wade B
sen' sei (sen' say)
That said, I am really sorry that she is pissed..
...but there seems to be a bit of misunderstanding......
By definition, one would have had to have taught others in the ways of the Jello to earn the name of "sensei."
Or maybe one might have even made a few Jello shots themselves? The only ones I have tasted (or have even HEARD about) at our gatherings in the last few years had a very familiar name attached to them......
That said, I am really sorry that she is pissed..
...but there seems to be a bit of misunderstanding......By definition, one would have had to have taught others in the ways of the Jello to earn the name of "sensei."
Or maybe one might have even made a few Jello shots themselves? The only ones I have tasted (or have even HEARD about) at our gatherings in the last few years had a very familiar name attached to them......
I haven't been privy to provide my services in past fests, so of course you've been able to take center stage. I have in fact taught others in the way of jello shots, and have quite a lengthy history of having done them myself...Sensei is correct here. 
