The Way Cars SHOULD be classified!
12-04-2011, 09:22 PM
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The Way Cars SHOULD be classified!
(Dino and I were talking about car classifications today and I was joking about an article I wrote a long time ago for an automotive website. Hope you enjoy)
In this ever increasing car world of ours it is getting more and more difficult to classify cars! First is started with just Coupe, Sedan, and Truck. Now there are Crossovers, SUVs, compact, sub-compact, mid-sized, you name it! Then they introduced Hybrids, PZEV, Electric, I can't take it anymore!
The reality is we don't use those classifications unless we're parked on AutoTrader or at a dealership rummaging through the brochure we just picked up. Seriously, just look at the car. When you're out in the world you use a whole different lexicon to describe a car that just drove past you. These titles may even deter you from buying a car you want because the title goes with it! Lets walk you through a few.
Chick Magnet
Probably one of the most used phrases at any used car lot is the Chick Magnet. It's easy. This car will causes woman to jump in your car. 9.99 times out of 10, it isn't accurate and the worst part is that there is a percentage that the car does the exact opposite! The worst part is I've seen the line used on females as well! The reality is that if you need a car to get chicks then you're already doing something immensely wrong.
Mid-Life Crisis
This model of car is made for those getting over the hump of life. It is ruled by Porsche and Chevrolet with motorcycles thrown in for flavor. Basically the cheapest performance cars available that get the most bang for the buck. What it really means is that you're going to spend above your means, crash the car and break your hip! If its taken you 30 years to get into a cool car, you probably weren't cut out for one. Save your money for your 1.5 children.
Female Ride
If anything is abhorrent to a male driver it has to be the Female Mobile. It's basically a car that would look perfectly acceptable with flower rims, hearts, dolls, whatever fits into the woman's perfect ride. It also emasculates any male that comes within 50 feet of it. Think about a Hell's Angel sipping on a Shirley Temple through a straw. That's what it does! The Volkswagon Beetle is an excellent example of a female ride. Yup, they're that bad! Fortunately, scientist say there is no proof that it lowers your sperm count faster than Soy though, so you should be safe in one, but you may want to avoid prolonged exposure... at least for personal reasons.
Old Man's Mobile
Ever walked up to a car and felt old? Oldsmobile, Buick, or Cadillac ring a bell? If you're younger than 50 then you'll fight as staunchly against owning one as you will against death itself! The problem is that the Old's Mobile is constantly changing, so you'll have to keep up on trends, but it shouldn't be that hard. Just sit in the car and if Death is sitting in the back seat then you may want to pass. In reality the Old Mobile won't kill you. That's because it hardly goes over 30 mph without a running start and feels like you're driving at sea.
Snob
For this one I need only say BMW and Mercedes. It's easy. Sit behind the wheel and you'll feel a sense of your nose getting higher in the air. No, it's not your seat self-adjusting, it's actually your attitude changing. Soon you'll be triple parking in handicaps spots and running over the blind guy's dog. That's right, you think the world is your oyster now and you can do whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell it suits you. Cut off anyone you like, they should already know it was going to happen. It's easy to remove though shortly after the car gets repossessed and you have to buy a small Toyota from the amount of depreciation on the car.
Yuppie
You don't work. You sit in an office all day barking orders, smooching the boss' behind, and going on liquid lunches and when the day is over you go to your overpriced condo to be greeted by the wife, a dog, and 1.5 kids like clockwork. You have the intensity level of grass growing. In fact, you're the perfect candidate for the Mid-Life Crisis car in about 10 years when you ask what the hell happened to your life. Your car of choice is easily the Saab and Volvo. Just make sure you have a vanity plate and executive parking.
Compensator
Ever seen a 3 foot tall man step out of a truck that could drive over your house? Of course you have! These guys have deficiencies and for that, they need a car that compensates! The bigger, more flamboyant, the better. Car companies know these guys exist and build these vehicles to target them. You'll never own one because you can't deal with excess, but this fills up the compensator void perfectly. This department is ruled by Lamborghini and Ferrari, but it's not limited to it. By the way, the compensator usually thinks the car is a chick magnet.
Stalker
Small truck, box van, you may be just an upstanding guy that is just trying to get through a day lugging around a ton of supplies, but to the outside world you are a predator waiting to pounce. Better make sure some kind of logo is on the side of your truck or you'll have the cops called faster than you can say I fixed it! The worst part is you are probably walking around in a wife beater sporting a spare tire or typical glasses with a pocket protector, which makes them hide their children faster! Whatever you do, don't park near a playground for a quick lunch! That is unless you already have a lawyer retained.
The Cop Magnet
This can cover a wide range of vehicles, but the more accurate term would be the criminal. Camaros and Japanese tuner cars are the vehicles of choice. You are seen as a straight up problem that is out to cause trouble for local law enforcement. Expect to be pulled over a lot! In fact, you may want to retain a lawyer up front. Trust me he'll get more work than the retainer called for because once a cop pulls you over seeing you like bait on a hook and winds up empty handed he'll have to give you a ticket, no matter how bogus, just to save face.
Drug Dealer
NyQuil may have been the worst drug you've ever used, but get spotted in one of these cars and by the end of the day you'll have a wire tap and a drug enforcement van parked out front of your house faster than you can say, exstacy! It's ruled by Lexus and Infiniti or any kind of Japanese Luxury or what real luxury guys call faux luxury. The beauty of this class is you can actually dodge it. How you may ask? Easily! Don't put aftermarket rims on it! Leave those stock ugly, and the uglier the better, on the car and suddenly you'll blend right back into the populace as a productive, yet not so smart, part of the community.
Eco Police
Your car is small and fuel efficient. If it's not a PZEV (Positive Zero Emmision Vehicle) then it's a hybrid that, although it's the size of a walnut, costs as much as an H1 Hummer. The fact that the vehicle will never help the environment, or your wallet for that matter, you're doing your part by helping people see the error of their ways. You have no problem swerving into the left lane to slow down people driving too fast or make a comment to a diesel truck driver about how their lungs look like two chunks of coal brickets. You have no facts to back up any of your claims, but you just know without a shadow of a doubt that you're making a difference. If you had done a little more research you'd probably realize the car you're driving sucks and is about as good for the environment as the original Volkswagon diesel van. Chances are you're driving a female ride too.
Soccer Mom!
Yea, that's right, you're a mom! You need to get 4 kids, half of which aren't even yours, to band practice, karate class, and most importantly the soccer game and you have to be there yesterday! There are guys hopped up on caffeine and speed that are jealous of your adrenalin level. Although you're simply a stay at home mom you believe that your directive has priority above all others in the universe and you will probably yell fervently at the cop that pulled you over for going 120 mph because he just doesn't understand! Yup, to perform your job you need a vehicle the size of a commuter bus or a truck capable of driving over the arctic landscape but still have 3rd row seating. It's got to be big and as full efficient as an Abrams tank. Minivans and SUVs, most notably the Hummer, are perfect in this department.
Now lets be honest. This list is just for fun. Just because you drive an Integra doesn't mean you stole the engine out of the Wal-Mart parking lot or that you drive a Prius that it's for the wrong reason. Maybe you just like the car! The problem is the stereotypes will never change and people don't have the ability to keep their irrational views to themselves. In reality, the people who are on this list are the people who are causing the problem for the rest of us. Don't let any of the above statements deter you from buying the car you want. Even if it is made for a girl!
In this ever increasing car world of ours it is getting more and more difficult to classify cars! First is started with just Coupe, Sedan, and Truck. Now there are Crossovers, SUVs, compact, sub-compact, mid-sized, you name it! Then they introduced Hybrids, PZEV, Electric, I can't take it anymore!
The reality is we don't use those classifications unless we're parked on AutoTrader or at a dealership rummaging through the brochure we just picked up. Seriously, just look at the car. When you're out in the world you use a whole different lexicon to describe a car that just drove past you. These titles may even deter you from buying a car you want because the title goes with it! Lets walk you through a few.
Chick Magnet
Probably one of the most used phrases at any used car lot is the Chick Magnet. It's easy. This car will causes woman to jump in your car. 9.99 times out of 10, it isn't accurate and the worst part is that there is a percentage that the car does the exact opposite! The worst part is I've seen the line used on females as well! The reality is that if you need a car to get chicks then you're already doing something immensely wrong.
Mid-Life Crisis
This model of car is made for those getting over the hump of life. It is ruled by Porsche and Chevrolet with motorcycles thrown in for flavor. Basically the cheapest performance cars available that get the most bang for the buck. What it really means is that you're going to spend above your means, crash the car and break your hip! If its taken you 30 years to get into a cool car, you probably weren't cut out for one. Save your money for your 1.5 children.
Female Ride
If anything is abhorrent to a male driver it has to be the Female Mobile. It's basically a car that would look perfectly acceptable with flower rims, hearts, dolls, whatever fits into the woman's perfect ride. It also emasculates any male that comes within 50 feet of it. Think about a Hell's Angel sipping on a Shirley Temple through a straw. That's what it does! The Volkswagon Beetle is an excellent example of a female ride. Yup, they're that bad! Fortunately, scientist say there is no proof that it lowers your sperm count faster than Soy though, so you should be safe in one, but you may want to avoid prolonged exposure... at least for personal reasons.
Old Man's Mobile
Ever walked up to a car and felt old? Oldsmobile, Buick, or Cadillac ring a bell? If you're younger than 50 then you'll fight as staunchly against owning one as you will against death itself! The problem is that the Old's Mobile is constantly changing, so you'll have to keep up on trends, but it shouldn't be that hard. Just sit in the car and if Death is sitting in the back seat then you may want to pass. In reality the Old Mobile won't kill you. That's because it hardly goes over 30 mph without a running start and feels like you're driving at sea.
Snob
For this one I need only say BMW and Mercedes. It's easy. Sit behind the wheel and you'll feel a sense of your nose getting higher in the air. No, it's not your seat self-adjusting, it's actually your attitude changing. Soon you'll be triple parking in handicaps spots and running over the blind guy's dog. That's right, you think the world is your oyster now and you can do whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell it suits you. Cut off anyone you like, they should already know it was going to happen. It's easy to remove though shortly after the car gets repossessed and you have to buy a small Toyota from the amount of depreciation on the car.
Yuppie
You don't work. You sit in an office all day barking orders, smooching the boss' behind, and going on liquid lunches and when the day is over you go to your overpriced condo to be greeted by the wife, a dog, and 1.5 kids like clockwork. You have the intensity level of grass growing. In fact, you're the perfect candidate for the Mid-Life Crisis car in about 10 years when you ask what the hell happened to your life. Your car of choice is easily the Saab and Volvo. Just make sure you have a vanity plate and executive parking.
Compensator
Ever seen a 3 foot tall man step out of a truck that could drive over your house? Of course you have! These guys have deficiencies and for that, they need a car that compensates! The bigger, more flamboyant, the better. Car companies know these guys exist and build these vehicles to target them. You'll never own one because you can't deal with excess, but this fills up the compensator void perfectly. This department is ruled by Lamborghini and Ferrari, but it's not limited to it. By the way, the compensator usually thinks the car is a chick magnet.
Stalker
Small truck, box van, you may be just an upstanding guy that is just trying to get through a day lugging around a ton of supplies, but to the outside world you are a predator waiting to pounce. Better make sure some kind of logo is on the side of your truck or you'll have the cops called faster than you can say I fixed it! The worst part is you are probably walking around in a wife beater sporting a spare tire or typical glasses with a pocket protector, which makes them hide their children faster! Whatever you do, don't park near a playground for a quick lunch! That is unless you already have a lawyer retained.
The Cop Magnet
This can cover a wide range of vehicles, but the more accurate term would be the criminal. Camaros and Japanese tuner cars are the vehicles of choice. You are seen as a straight up problem that is out to cause trouble for local law enforcement. Expect to be pulled over a lot! In fact, you may want to retain a lawyer up front. Trust me he'll get more work than the retainer called for because once a cop pulls you over seeing you like bait on a hook and winds up empty handed he'll have to give you a ticket, no matter how bogus, just to save face.
Drug Dealer
NyQuil may have been the worst drug you've ever used, but get spotted in one of these cars and by the end of the day you'll have a wire tap and a drug enforcement van parked out front of your house faster than you can say, exstacy! It's ruled by Lexus and Infiniti or any kind of Japanese Luxury or what real luxury guys call faux luxury. The beauty of this class is you can actually dodge it. How you may ask? Easily! Don't put aftermarket rims on it! Leave those stock ugly, and the uglier the better, on the car and suddenly you'll blend right back into the populace as a productive, yet not so smart, part of the community.
Eco Police
Your car is small and fuel efficient. If it's not a PZEV (Positive Zero Emmision Vehicle) then it's a hybrid that, although it's the size of a walnut, costs as much as an H1 Hummer. The fact that the vehicle will never help the environment, or your wallet for that matter, you're doing your part by helping people see the error of their ways. You have no problem swerving into the left lane to slow down people driving too fast or make a comment to a diesel truck driver about how their lungs look like two chunks of coal brickets. You have no facts to back up any of your claims, but you just know without a shadow of a doubt that you're making a difference. If you had done a little more research you'd probably realize the car you're driving sucks and is about as good for the environment as the original Volkswagon diesel van. Chances are you're driving a female ride too.
Soccer Mom!
Yea, that's right, you're a mom! You need to get 4 kids, half of which aren't even yours, to band practice, karate class, and most importantly the soccer game and you have to be there yesterday! There are guys hopped up on caffeine and speed that are jealous of your adrenalin level. Although you're simply a stay at home mom you believe that your directive has priority above all others in the universe and you will probably yell fervently at the cop that pulled you over for going 120 mph because he just doesn't understand! Yup, to perform your job you need a vehicle the size of a commuter bus or a truck capable of driving over the arctic landscape but still have 3rd row seating. It's got to be big and as full efficient as an Abrams tank. Minivans and SUVs, most notably the Hummer, are perfect in this department.
Now lets be honest. This list is just for fun. Just because you drive an Integra doesn't mean you stole the engine out of the Wal-Mart parking lot or that you drive a Prius that it's for the wrong reason. Maybe you just like the car! The problem is the stereotypes will never change and people don't have the ability to keep their irrational views to themselves. In reality, the people who are on this list are the people who are causing the problem for the rest of us. Don't let any of the above statements deter you from buying the car you want. Even if it is made for a girl!
