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So after two different specialty shops recommended swapping or rebuilding the tranny, I took your advice and tracked down a valve body specialist - Ream Man Valve Body in Michigan.
Had my guy pull the valve body and sent it to them. Got the car back two days ago, and once fully warmed (after 80 of the 130 mile return trip) I ran it through all the gears, hard upshift under power, decelerating downshifts, back and forth, up and down, high rpms, for 30 miles. Couldn't get it to miss-shift or flare once. It appears it was the valve body after all.
Thanks for the tip to look into the valve body. I'm surprised two reputable shops never considered this.
I wish I could but I can't recommend any shops in the midwest . But that ZF5hp19 transmission is used widely in the BMW cars so I would get in touch with someone in your area BMW Club for the recommended BMW transmission expert.for your area.. Automatic Transmission repairs are truly a specialized field..