Bad joke of the day
12-06-2007, 01:14 PM
#46
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12-06-2007, 01:25 PM
#47
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A joke every night, or a headache? Lol. Believe me, some of the stuff I hear about the goings on at the Air Force base is enough to laugh AND get a headache every night.
12-06-2007, 01:49 PM
#49
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12-06-2007, 04:39 PM
#52
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A young newly wed couple came up with a plan to save money for a nice evening out now and then. They agreed that each time they had sex, the husband would put a dollar in a jar that would be kept under the bed.
After a while the husband wanted to see how much money they had saved, so he emptied the jar on the bed and began counting it. He was surprised to see a number of twenties and fifties mixed in so he asked his wife. "Where did these come from? I don't recall putting any large bills in the jar?!?!"
She replied "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."
After a while the husband wanted to see how much money they had saved, so he emptied the jar on the bed and began counting it. He was surprised to see a number of twenties and fifties mixed in so he asked his wife. "Where did these come from? I don't recall putting any large bills in the jar?!?!"
She replied "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."
12-06-2007, 07:43 PM
#53
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"Wonderful and new" has its advantages, but I'd far rather stick with "tried and true." 
12-06-2007, 08:27 PM
#54
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Superman is out flying above the forest when he sees Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked, in the middle of a beautiful meadow. Superman thinks "I've always wanted a piece of her, and now is a perfect opportunity. With his super speed, he flies down and bam, bam, bam, he satisfies himself and flies away.
The Invisible Man gets up and says "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man gets up and says "What the hell was that?"
12-07-2007, 03:15 PM
#55
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I just plagiarized this from the 996 forum. Funny.
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, his wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him...
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, his wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him...
12-07-2007, 04:12 PM
#56
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My final contribution to this most excellently bad thread.
Polotics and Business, simplified:
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the
rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one
cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with
nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then
buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon
image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
“Democracy.... "
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
Polotics and Business, simplified:
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the
rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one
cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with
nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then
buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon
image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
“Democracy.... "
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
12-07-2007, 05:17 PM
#58
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12-09-2007, 09:43 PM
#59
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One day God and Adam were talking.
God says: I’m going to make you a companion. She will be called Woman, she will cook your meals and clean your house.
Adam: That would be great.
God: She will rub your back and feet and have sex with you anytime you want.
Adam: Wow God, how much will that cost me?
God: It will cost you an ‘Arm’.
Adam: That’s too much, God.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.What do I get for a ‘Rib’?
God says: I’m going to make you a companion. She will be called Woman, she will cook your meals and clean your house.
Adam: That would be great.
God: She will rub your back and feet and have sex with you anytime you want.
Adam: Wow God, how much will that cost me?
God: It will cost you an ‘Arm’.
Adam: That’s too much, God.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.What do I get for a ‘Rib’?